penny.

21; What we choose to accept

Shit; that's the simple word to describe how I feel right now. I don't think there's a word descriptive or long enough to explain the ache I have in my chest, or more like all over my body. And it wasn't a good type of ache if you know what I mean.

    Eli is the perfect boy. Well, more perfect than anyone I've ever met, and it just feels wrong to ruin that. Ruin him.

    He did nothing wrong, and I was still a cold hearted bitch to him. There's no other way to put it. I have never seen a boy spill his feelings like that, or be that persistent in an attempt to make me admit my feelings, it was terrifying.

    Being friends isn't enough.

    How did I even respond to that? If I said I wanted more with him I would hurt him and myself in the process. Dating wasn't a good idea outside of the gang, why? Because no one knew how to handle us. That's probably why Ruby and Owen weren't official yet.

    The entire night I couldn't stop replaying the fight in my head, and worse off, I couldn't stop picturing his face either. Or the kiss, for that matter.

    I could study his face (and body) for days on end. The curve of his lips and the size of them when they were slightly swollen after kissing me. His hair, Dios mio, his hair was so soft and curly and beautiful all at the same time.

    And his eyes. Green was a very underrated color that I had a newfound appreciation for. The brightness of them when he looked at me, or smiled at a joke someone told, or the darkness of them when he was on top of me, taking in my own face at a pace that made me want to retreat under my bed for a week. There was so much in there, a story waiting to be told with every look he shot at me, and I would never understand how I could see what was there with him, but not with anyone else.

    The sun came up faster than I expeted, but then again, when was I ever one to keep track of time? There wasn't one thing I was looking forward to today, not seeing Eli or finally facing Ava after a nice vacation from that bullshit.

By the time I had slipped on my clothes, Eli's car wasn't in the driveway like usual. At this point I could do one of two things: Apologize when we get to school and tell him I didn't mean anything I said (kind of, not really a big lie) or I could ignore him and hope he doesn't push me on it. Neither were good ideas, but as I walked through the front doors the latter seemed better and better.

As usual, the boys were waiting by my locker, Ruby included, but this time Eli was nowhere to be seen. There was a tiny part of me that hopeed he would have meant what he said, I'm not giving up on us that easily. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself have that kind of hope.

Owen smiled brightly, the size of it taking up the entirety of his face, he was trying a little too hard to make it seem okay. "Shortcake!" He said as I started to punch in my combination. Everyone else was looking at me with what I thought was pity, which definetly should not have been there.

"So you all know?" I said, slamming my skateboard into my locker. A trio of awkward neck scratches was the response. "Mierda." I shut the door and headed to history without another word.

More than anything, I wanted to skip school and go back to Ridgecrest and fight someone or something, at this point I would settle for burying my fist in a wall. Owen sauntered in a few seconds before the bell rang and sunk into his seat without a word. He didn't poke me or even try to annoy me like usual, whatever.

I didn't bother going to the table, instead opting for the dance room. It had only been a few days since I was last here, but that felt like an eternity to my limbs when I fell into a routine. There were too many things I had given up this past year, or really few years, and did I really want to risk losing everyone else over a boy?
    But was it really my fault?