Wrath Of God

Chapter 4: 'Complete but empty'

I was comfortable and content. I would definitely get a black leather chair one day, exactly like the one I was sitting in now. My hands run along the arms of the chair, my fingers itching. I was wearing a white button up shirt and a tie.

Opposite me sat a psychiatrist by the name of Dr. Blanc. Apparently, I was feeling traumatized and am still in shock over what had occurred. The full gravity of the situation had not hit me yet.

I was considered a hero because I prevented a robbery, but I had killed a man.

Witnesses said I had acted on impulse and did not intend on killing the man.

I was saved from jail. I was not traumatized, I knew fully what had happened and I knew I had ended a life.

What scared me was that I was content. Inside my mind, I knew that I wanted that man dead. When I saw his dying face, I felt complete but empty at the same time.

I was quiet before but now I was like a zombie. My mind always playing repeatedly the scene of the man’s dying face, my mother’s dying face, faces of the people in the restaurant and at the orphanage. I would sit outside at night looking at the stars just thinking, trying to make sense of my existence. I was living a life I did not want to live. My absent-minded state infuriated Alison. She would scream at me with tears streaming down her face while I would look at her blankly wondering when she’d shut up and leave me alone. She’d cry to old man Williams. He was weary of me. He no longer smiled at me. Like Luigi at the restaurant, old man Williams treated me indifferently, as if they were afraid of me and of what I was. I no longer pretended or lied to people to keep them happy. I ignored them and they left me alone.

On my nineteenth birthday old man Williams told me it was time for me to go.

There was a small flat in the city where I could stay. The rent was fair and it was in close proximity to my work. I had become a manager at Luigi’s now.

Alison and I had been apart for six months now. I hardly saw her but from what I heard she was always depressed and near suicidal. I said goodbye to the twins and Debra, the only three people left from the old group. Old man Williams gave me a pocketknife, his grandfather’s.

It was his most prized possession. He looked me in the eyes and said to me, “Your life begins now, Kyle, become who you are meant to be.”

I saw a tear in his eye as he turned and went back inside. The last thing I saw before getting into the taxi and leaving the orphanage was Alison. She was half-hidden behind the wall. Her face was red and covered in tears that flowed from her reddened eyes.

I looked down and the taxi moved forward, taking me to my new life.

Living on my own was easy. I didn’t care about comfort. I didn’t watch television or listen to the radio. I'd lie on my mattress at night listening to all the sounds of the city and paint pictures in my head of what was happening around me. There was never a quiet night. Some nights sirens blared loudly as police vehicles or ambulances sped by.

Once the sirens were accompanied by loud gunshots as the police were in hot pursuit of a gang of thugs. Some nights the loud moans and noises from the other hotel rooms kept me awake. This hotel kept all the prostitutes in business. Because of the prostitutes there were also a lot of domestic disputes. Couples would throw things at each other and curse each other loudly until the police came.

There was never a peaceful night and for that I was grateful. The less I slept the less I woke up screaming in a cold sweat due to my nightmares.

Two months went by, my life a monotonous drag. I was empty. I lived without emotion or purpose, just went through each day, the same as the next. Even my hobby of studying people came to an end, it no longer interested me. I needed something more.

I needed a purpose. After two months of complete emptiness my life was thrown out of balance by none other than Alison. I was closing the restaurant when she came up to me. I saw her and I froze. I just stood there and looked at her. Her eyes were red, she had obviously been crying. She smiled shyly and said, ‘hi Kyle. How you?’

‘Why are you here?’ I didn’t want to waste time with pleasantries.

She bit her lip and stepped forward towards me. I stepped back . With tears streaming down her face, she proclaimed her love to me. She needed me. She wanted me.

She couldn’t live without me. I grew angry with every word she said. I wanted out of this. Being with Alison was what her and Old man Williams wanted. Was it?

I wanted my own path, my own choices, my own purpose. I was angry because I was confused.

I was angry because I felt emotion. This girl I had spent most of my life ignoring, this girl whose heart I had broken, why did I feel for her? Why did I want to wipe the tears from her face and tell her it was all going to be ok? I was confused and didn’t know what to do, a war was raging in my head. I was about to give in but then my expression hardened as I remembered the words of my mother, “Love is an illusion.”

I made a promise to never love. How dare this girl try make me break my promise to the only person in the world that ever mattered to me?

“Please Kyle… I love you…” sobbing she grabbed my hand.

My heart was beating fast and my mind filled with images of my mother.

“NOOOOO!” I screamed slapping Alison across the face. Her tears, I saw my mother.

I had killed a man and now I struck a woman. I was becoming my father. Shocked and full of fear of what I had done, I ran. I ran and ran until I could not run anymore. I ended up in an old, abandoned construction site. It was there where I broke down crying.

What have I become?!