Deadly Infatuation

44 - Fuck A Fake Smile

~Fake Smile- Ariana Grande~

Here goes fucking nothing.

I steel myself and make my way into the school's main entrance. Even though I'd convinced my parents to let me stay home until I got rid of the crutches, I still can't find the strength to deal with the entire student body.

Keep walking and don't make eye contact, I repeat the mantra over and over in my head as I walk through the hallway. Students seem to stop whatever it is they are busy with to turn and stare at me. I can feel lots of eyes on me but I keep walking. I just hate being the center of attention.

I open my locker and get out my essentials before Elle joins me. "Hey girl," She gives me a hug. "Hey," I smile in response. Elle seems to notice my fidgety behaviour, I don't know why but I can't stop the nervousness I'm feeling. I mean, I've walked these corridors hundreds of times for four years.

I can't explain it, but I just feel cramped, almost even claustrophobic. "It's okay Tam, they're just surprised to see you back here, most of them are pleased, but it'll die down soon enough, just ignore it," Elle advises me as she puts her arm around me and leads me to English class.

Miss Clark continues with her English lesson and all I can do is doodle at the back of my notebook while my brain takes me far away from class. Last week while I recooperating at home, I started going for therapy with this psychologist called Dr Pamela Michaels. Doctor Sanders had referred me to her to help "cope with the trauma" I'm experiencing.

I thought I'd find the sessions boring but she's actually quite interesting. I've been there only twice and I'm due for another session today after school. I won't lie, I'm still messed up in the head due to what Alex put me through and between the mood swings and the nightmares, I don't even think I'll be able to write the end of year exams, which are coming up in less than a month from now.

I've been trying to focus on my books because I must pass, I only got provisional acceptance to GBU but my end of year mark determines whether I have a place there or not.

I'm not alright, both mentally and physically. Especially mentally. I can feel it, and the people around me are starting to sense it, I don't think I can pretend anymore. My mother keeps pressing me to tell talk about how I feel instead of bottling it up, the only person I feel comfortable reliving the whole ordeal with is Dr Michaels.

I don't know if that's because she's a trained professional or because she's a stranger and so I don't have to fear any judgement from her. These days I'm always either anxious or mentally absent, even during lunch periods with Elle and Taylor, I hate it, but I can't help it.

It's like the part of me that everyone knows and loves died in that hospital bed. Dr Michaels says its normal, and its only temporary. It doesn't feel normal, it's like I'm trapped inside my own head. The biggest struggle is that I'm going through all this depression and I feel obliged to hide it from my family and friends.

There's nothing I dislike more than being treated like a fragile object, like I'll break any second.

Sooner or later, I'm dragged out of my thoughts by the sound of the bell ringing to signal lunch period. Elle and I make our way to the cafeteria and on the way there, a few students tell me that they're glad I'm back. All I can do is smile at the polite gestures. Lord knows if I can fake another smile.

The three of us, Elle, Taylor and I, sit at one of the tables at the back. While I eat my food and Elle goes on about another one of St Peter's many teenage drama stories, I spot Calum sitting alone at the other end of the cafeteria. That's weird. Calum is one of the popular ones, why is he alone?

His usually tousled brown hair is slicked back and he looks a little better than how I last remember him but his eyes look dead, void of any emotion. I know this because he happens to catch me staring at him. And I thought I had it bad. When our eyes meet, I offer him an awkward smile and he hesitantly returns the gesture. Awkward.

"Right babe?" I hear Taylor say suddenly. "Huh?" I respond. I immediately feel guilty when Taylor furrows his brows in confusion, upon realising that I haven't being paying attention to anything he said. "You alright?" He asks me gently. I nod my head vigorously. "Of course, what makes you think otherwise?" I look up at him through the mass of my loose curls.

"You were spacing out again, weren't you? Am I boring you or something?"
"No babe, I'm sorry, you were saying?" I try to prevent a possible disagreement. Elle gives me a wary look as if seeing through my façade. "Well, I was just asking if you'd be able to come watch me play against Milton High next weekend," he repeats. "Sure, I'll always be there to watch you, you don't even have to ask," I smile at him.

Taylor grins at me before pushing aside my stray locks of hair and leaning down to give me a peck on my lips. Which I should find normal, but for some reason I curve him by the looking elsewhere as if it was an involuntary action. I awkwardly fiddle with my cheese sandwich. What the hell just happened?

Elle clears her throat awkwardly. "I forgot, I need to see Principal Carter real quick, apparently my mom brought me something," Elle grabs her tray and disappears. Leaving me alone to face Taylor's oncoming inquisition.

"Tam, talk to me, what's up? And don't you dare lie and say you're alright because I know you aren't," Taylor faces me. I swallow hard before speaking. "Okay, I'm sorry its just... I just feel exhausted for some reason, I even went to get painkillers from the school nurse, it looks like they aren't working," I lie. Taylor eyes me. "Are you sure, it has nothing to do with..."
"Maybe, but I'm just feeling out of it today mostly, I just need sleep I guess, I bet I'll be back to normal tomorrow," I tell him.

That last part isn't a lie. I do need sleep, this insomnia is killing me. Taylor nods in understanding before weaving his hands together with mine. "You know you can tell me anything right?" I nod in response. "Anything at all baby, I'm right here," He kisses my forehead.

I don't think you'd stay around any longer if you really knew.