alive

for day old muffins

unedited, who's surprised lmao.
-

I am woken to a knock on the door from a teacher and Carson's obnoxious groaning. Graham mutters a shut up before rolling over and placing a pillow on his head.

"What time is it?" Tyler asks.

"Fucking five am? I don't know."

"It's eight," Ansel says sitting up.

Upon waking up, the feeling of udder exhaustion and little to no motivation returns.

I know we ski today. I don't want to. I don't want to go through all the effort of getting up, eating, getting warmly dressed, renting equipment and then skiing.

Plus, I'm sure they'll test who can ski and have the others stay with an instructor. I can ski. I haven't in years but I can.

Regardless, I have no desire to move.

Ansel gets out of bed and opens the curtains to blind everyone. The sun reflects off the snow covering every surface outside, making everything unbearably bright.

"Sometimes I forget you're a morning person," Graham says miserably.

"Not necessarily," Ansel mumbles before Carson starts talking.

"I want pancakes. I'm going to get pancakes." Carson gets up and out of bed.

"Okay but maybe get dressed first?" Tyler says.

"Ugh." Carson disappears into the washroom and Tyler buries his head under his blankets.

Ansel walks to, and sits on the foot of our shared bed. I don't bother caring what everyone is doing so I close my eyes and turn on to my side to face the wall.

It's a good ten minutes before I can hear everyone moving around, getting ready to leave.

"Reid, let's go bud," Carson says. "I mean, I'm no morning person either but c'mon."

"I'll meet you down there," I mumble, pretending to be sleepy. With boys, if they haven't experienced something, they don't seem to comprehend it well. Depression is a myth, unless you have it.

Of course that's not true in all cases but I've just noticed to keep my mouth shut about mental illness to boys my age.

"Uh, okay," Carson says.

"I'll go down with Reid," Ansel says. "I told my mom I'd call her."

The other three nod their heads and make their way out the door. As soon as I hear the door click shut, I hear Ansel's footsteps till he sits back on the edge of the bed.

"Still sick?"

I quietly nod my head on my pillow.

"Want anything?"

"No it's fine," I manage to mutter as I turn onto my back. "They're not going to let me stay in bed all day so I might as well get up."

He nods his head. "Well, pancakes are waiting downstairs so let's go."

I get ready and we head downstairs where the rest of our grade is either wandering around in or sitting in the buffet. We find the table that the others are sitting at and join them after getting food. I just eat yet another stale muffin. The others nearly have two plates full of food.

"Have you guys all skied?" Tyler asks. Everyone, with their mouths full, nods their head. "Okay well then I'm on the bunny hill alone."

"You can't ski?" Carson laughs out. "I won't miss that. I'll watch you go down the bunny hill."

"Wow," Tyler says sarcastically. "How kind of you to join me. I might just ask Val to stay with me for the day."

Tyler doesn't look up from cutting his sausage but everyone quickly glances at Ansel at the mention of his ex girlfriend.

To be honest, I was quite surprised that Tyler and Ansel never had any beef after Tyler basically stole Ansel's girlfriend. That being said though, Ansel didn't seem to care when she broke up with him. Which makes sense because I definitely don't think he likes girls. He just chooses to hide that fact about himself...

"No. You can drag her into that. I'll just briefly pop by to get a video of you falling down a hill."

After breakfast, the teachers tell us it's free rein so I decide to go back to the room. 

I waste time just laying. I don't fall asleep so I just think.

Every part of me feels so empty. It's awful. I just think about what Harper kept saying. She always tell me it, "it will go away."

That everything comes and goes and I just need to get past this wave.

An hour or so later, I hear the door creak open and I internally panic. The guys would definitely question why I'm sleepy. Just say you're sick.

"Reid?"

I turn my head and Ansel is stood with his winter coat and snow pants on. A small relief falls over me.

"Why are you in the dark?"

"I told you, I'm sick. Playing in the snow isn't ideal."

He nods his head before walking to the bed. "Want to grab lunch then? You barely ate this morning."

"No. The others are loud and I'm just tired."

"Here, why don't I go get something and just you and I can eat here?"

I stare at him for a moment, thinking.

"You didn't immediately say no so I'm taking that as a yes. Do you know what you want?"

I shake my head. I don't have an appetite to eat right now.

"Okay. I'll find something."

Then he leaves the room, making me feel lonely and pathetic. I like this kid too much. This trip was a bad idea. Letting whatever happened between us happen was a bad idea.

Sure, I do feel better and happier around him, but I just feel worse when I'm not.

Wow I'm a drug addict, except not addicted to drugs.

I lay down for what seems like the longest twenty minutes ever till Ansel returns. He struggles with the door and a tray but manages before putting the tray on the bed and taking off his coat and snow pants.

"We're eating in the dark aren't we?" He says. I nod my head.

"Okay. I got bunch of random stuff because it's a buffet and I don't know what you want. I got a basic sandwich because you literally have a sandwich everyday for lunch but then I also got pizza because who doesn't like pizza?"

I look down at the tray.

"And then water because you always drink water. I also got marshmallows because they literally had the tiny colourful marshmallows and I was like why not. Can't you tell I'm hungry."

"I'm pretty sure the marshmallows are supposed to be toppings."

"Be brave and put them on your pizza then."

I quietly snicker.

Ansel always acts different when it's just us. He smiles and makes silly jokes. I fucking hate him for it.

"You've been quiet lately. Got to admit, I do miss your snappy commentary," he says sitting down.

"I'm just sick. It'll go away though," I say smiling softly, more or less to myself. Harper is right.

With depression it's hard to optimistic but she's right, even if it doesn't feel like it, it will go away.

But that also means it'll be back again.

And so my smile fades but as soon as I catch a glimpse of Ansel placing marshmallows on a slice of pizza, the grin returns and then I'm snorting laughing.