alive

for sleep

hey i'm really tired right now so this chapter will reflect that i guess. trigger warning,,,, no serious of severe topics just the character experiencing a depressive episode. 

sorry about this chapter. i was really just spilling my mind out. 

unedited 

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I open my eyes and stare up at the ceiling. I feel like I've been run over a truck multiple times. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. I just feel like shit.

Lately I've been dealing with really bad insomnia. The past two weeks and it's just draining. Everyday I go home to sleep because I'm just so tired. I get headaches and feel so sick so easily. I'm so exhausted.

Not only that but I just feel nothing. Depressive episodes happen maybe twice a year for me and are maybe a week long.

I haven't gone to school in two days. I really should.

Falling grades is just another thing I can't take right now. I just don't care. I can't do it.

I stare at my bottle of meds next to my bed.

I am pathetic. I feel nothing. Anger and sadness have left and instead it's just nothing.

It's boring.

I'm so bored but I don't want to get up. I don't want to lay here either but I really don't want to get up.

These days are always so boring. Being emotionless is boring. Passion and excitement doesn't exist at this point. Interests? Not interested.

Unfortunately though, today I have to go to school. Mom paid for this ski trip and I know it was a lot. 

I sigh before sitting up. Mom has already left for work today but Harper said she'd drive me. Last night she came in my room to pack for me. She was quiet. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve her. She's so patient with me.

I grab my bag and head to the car where she's waiting. Inside, she hands me a muffin but I mumble I'm not hungry and just hold it.

"You going to be okay?"

"I'm fine," I say after exhaling a deep breath. "I'm just tired. It'll go away."

It's pointless to try and help. I haven't found anything yet to fix this. Only temporary highs of adrenaline from stealing and what not but I have too little energy to even bother.

"It will go away. Sometimes we just need to patient. Some people get inflamed skin every now and then or severe headaches, but it does go away."

It's less that I want it to go away and more that theres just nothing. It's just an absence of caring. Apathy will always be there but happiness dominates it. The absence of that sense of "I'm okay" is when the apathy shows itself.

Harper continues. "Depression is just the thing you have to deal with. I have things that come for a week and I tell myself it'll be over."

"I know Harper." She's given me this talk a hundred times. She pulls into the school parking lot behind two coach buses and gives me a weak smile.

"I know you know. It doesn't hurt to remind you that it's only temporary and I love you."

I give a small smile back. Some people don't have a Harper in their life and that's lonely. She has her own issues but she will always be my big sister and I couldn't live without her.

"I love you too." I lean and give her a hug before exiting the car with my bag. I enter the school and frown as I watch her drive away. 

I walk to homeroom where everyone is talking. As soon as I walk in both Tori and Ansel immediately notice and shoot me a weird look. Tori is the only one who actually walks up to me though.