alive

for happy memories

even writing this hurts my heart because i created harper so i know her personality more then anyone and i tried to give her as much screen time (if u will even tho this is a story) to show her personality before she went. if u read the story u will see foreshadowing but aw i miss her.
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I never imagined I'd have to attend my sisters funeral, at least not so soon.

Mom is finishing up with funeral things and is going to sit by the grave for a while.

I can't even do that. I had to be pushed around in a wheelchair the whole day.

My sister. I can't-

Oh Harper.

"You get out tomorrow and everything will be alright," Ansel says soothingly.

I just frown and stare at the wall blankly like I've been doing for the past hour. She was the person I was closest to. I went to her for everything and she always knew when I needed something.

Even as kids she took care of me more then mom. When mom used to yell at me and ground me, Harper would sneak into my room to comfort me and bring snacks. She'd often sleep in my bed too if I had nightmares.

"Reid, you should sleep," he says.

The longer it's been since the accident, the more I realize she's gone and there's no going back. If only- I don't know! Maybe if we'd left a little later. We left because I was upset.

I miss her! I just want to talk to her!

Fuck.

I'm just sitting here, all fucking crippled. I'm already depressed as it is and now what the fuck is the point of living? I've lost my favourite person and I can't even go visit her grave on my own. Ansel acts like my god damn caregiver and my mom is so exhausted trying to soothe her grieving son even though she lost her daughter.

I don't even know if I'll finish senior year in time for graduation. Everything has fallen apart and it was hard enough without all this shit.

"Do you want to talk about her?"

I finally look away at the wall to look at him with furrowed brows. People are afraid to bring her up and he just straight asks me if I want to talk about her?

"I know it's no way the same but when I lost my grandma, I was able to talk to someone about all my favourite things about my grandma and all my favourite memories. It was nice to think about her being alive. You said Harper always talked to you when you're upset?"

I nod my head.

"Okay, well I'm no Harper but you know she would have you talk this out or just get some stuff off your chest. I understand if you're mad at me for suggesting it but it helped me and I thought I'd suggest it."

Tears well up in my eyes and to his surprise I nod my head. "Okay," I sniffle. "Harper was," I give a sad smile while I think about her. "Crazy. The happiest person to exist. She had her down times but she always looked to the bright side and dealt with everything calmly. That girl was never angry unless she was standing up for someone she loved."

Ansel smiles which makes me smile. I hold out my hand to hold his before I continue talking.

"Mom and I fight a lot and have since I was born but Harper knew how to calm us both down. She was super passionate about helping people and she says that's the only thing that got her through grade eleven and twelve chem. Gosh, she was so close to graduating."

Silence follows and Ansel rubs my hand.

"She wanted to adopt a buttload of kids and foster animals. She told me she couldn't wait for me to be an uncle and that I'd be great. Fuck. She was going to do so many great things."

"She did, Reid. She did a lot and she was happy. She was doing what she loved."

"I know," I frown. "I just don't know how I'm going to go home tomorrow and have to see a room full of her things without her in it. All her books, journals, photos. She didn't know that it'd be the last time she slept in that bed."

"I know," he says. "How about you tell me your favourite memory with her?"

"Okay, I can do that."

I ramble on about Harper till I grow sleepy. Part of me feels peace but also so sad. Thinking about her and being able to share her life makes me both awfully sad but happy.

Ansel said he wouldn't leave till I fall asleep so I close my eyes so he can go home to his family.

"Text me when you get home safely," I whisper before falling asleep.