Remember Us // Byler

Disconnecting

The sweet girl with the hazel hair lays on my shoulder as we stare at the sky above, I can't help but let my mind wander. To wander to what happened last week. If I could've changed what happened I would in a heartbeat. I never wanted to hurt Will again and it seems that's exactly what I've done. Again. El has her eyes shut whilst laying on me. We promised no labels but I'm not sure she knows what that means. I don't want to push her off though because what if I am wrong about my desires. What if trying to kiss Will wasn't what I wanted and that I am just confused, maybe that's why Will has been avoiding me all day, maybe he realized it was a fantasy for him. It's not like he tried to kiss me. He probably never wanted to kiss me. These delusions run through my head and I can feel my breathing speed up. My heart starts to race. This awakens El from her slumber and she looks up to see my eyes shifting in all directions. 

"Mike?" she says this softly and puts her hand on my cheek. "Mike?" I push her hand away and sit up trying to catch my breath.

"Mike? What's wrong?" she sits up with me and puts her hand on my shoulder which I push off also. 

"Stop"

"Stop what?" I can feel my breathing rush once more.

"Just. Stop all of this."

"Mike I don't understand" the tears clog my eyes and I can't stop my whole body from shaking. "Help me understand Mike-"

"I can't!" I turn to her and she is staring back with her beautiful brown eyes. She looks concerned and confused. My tears fall down my face and I wipe them away.

"How?"

"I don't know El I-I-" I force myself up. "I need to breathe" I start to walk away.

"Wait Mike! Mike!" I hear her shouting after me but I am long gone and I sprint till I hit a tree, I just fall to the roots of it. I wrap my arms around me, clawing at my skin and whilst hyperventilating the world around me shifts. Everything is covered in water, everything is clogged and everything is different. I rest my head back onto the tree whilst hearing the screams of my friends. 

"Mike!"

"Mike where are you!"

"Mike this isn't funny!"

"Wheeler where are you!"

I shake my head and scrape my hair almost pulling it out. I can't breathe. I can't speak. I can't communicate. I can't express how I feel. I can't say no. I can't love. I can't. I just can't.

I have been sitting here for a while now. Just holding my myself and crying but silently. I am still frozen and I still hear my friends screams for me. More frequent now. Except I hear Will this time. Actually I only hear Will. My other friends are still screaming but I can only hear the sound of Will's voice shouting my name.

"Mike!" I can hear his voice and it shakes me up, I look up ahead of myself and just listen to his calls for me.

"Mike please. Talk to me." I close my eyes and a single tear falls down and just as this happens I hear someone approach me.

"Found him!" I turn to see Lucas out of breath shouting back to the others. Once he looks back, I just turn away again and rest back into the position of hugging myself. Lucas approaches me slowly and kneels down to meet me. I look the other way so he doesn't see me cry. So, he doesn't see my shame. I tighten the grip on my back but release it to cradle my face. My eyes sting from the overwhelming smell of the flowers growing near and the tears that pricked from my eyes. My head still spins and my body still shakes. I don't know what Lucas will say but whatever it is cannot me good. 

A cold breeze brushes through my hair as the time passes. Lucas I guess has been trying to find a way to approach this situation. It's not everyday your best friend runs from his ex-girlfriend after having problems with almost kissing his other best friend. So, I guess it's my job to break the ice.