The Flaws of being a Hiccup take III

Chapter 19: Trance

Astrid

I gaze impassively at the open fire. The odd shapes and patterns taunting me within the burning flames. I hug my arms tight against my body, what's wrong with me?

This boy brings so many things back to me. What I have missed, what I don't have and what I will never have. Just looking at the innocence of his sleeping form it makes me wonder what Stoick would have looked like if he was here. If he was alive.

I scowl at myself. How can I think that? I know that somewhere in my broken heart that he is still out there somewhere. Just waiting, trying to find a way back to us, back to me. All I can do is hope, but really now hope just seems like a lost cause.

I'm so confused. Lost all sense of direction. Thinking back to the amount of time I spent looking for him. The amount of seconds, minutes, hours, even days, staring out into the horizon, scanning the shoreline for my darling boy. For my baby. So young to be snatched away from me. Us.

Us. Hiccup and me. The time I've spent moping over our loss. Hiccup has always stood by me, supported me. Not once has he cracked or broken down as I have. Not once has he strayed away from the hope that our son is alive, keeping it alight. Not once has he ever forgotten that, or even doubted it.

Even through all that has happened he has loved me no less. He has stayed strong for the both of us, but I had never noticed it. I had been too selfish. Too caught up, drowning, in my own sorrow and self pity. As Hiccup held me tightly, calming me, reassuring me that everything would be alright that we will someday get our son back.

I had never returned the favour. Not once. And all of a sudden an overwhelming guilt builds up, surrounding me. Poor Hiccup.

I hear the small click of a closing door, followed by the creaking and squeaking of the floorboards on the stairs beneath Hiccups pegleg. I want to smile, but I can't find the strength to.

I don't move, staring straight at the flickering flames, smiling wickedly back at me. Not moving a muscle. Blinking every so often.

"Astrid?" he asks, I can hear the stutter and aprehension in his voice. He knows what's happening better than anyone. I want to comfort him, I want to hug him. To kiss him. Nurture him, as he has me. But I can't. Stuck swimming in my own self pity. I finally find the strength and courage to turn my gaze toward him but regret it as soon as I do. "are you alright?" He continues.

His eyes are so sorrowful. So fearful. It's like I'm stuck in a trance, so I quickly turn my head to look at the fire again, before I get lost in his enchanting and misty green pools. Hoping that it will numb my feelings. My fears. My thoughts. Everything. But of course it won't .

He doesn't say anything again. He knows better. Why can't I be like him. I was once wasn't I. What did they call me? Oh yes, the fearless Astrid Hofferson. Far from it now. It's like mine and Hiccups personalities have swapped places. I'm cute but dopey Hiccup and he's the brave and fearless Astrid.

How far we've come. He's come, and how I've fallen. With nobody to catch me but him. He's always catched me, trying ever so desperately to keep me up on my feet, to be normal but I don't think I ever will be. In lost in the world of neverending sorrow and I can only thank Thor that Hiccup isn't stuck in it with me.

He deserves better than this. Than me.

I hear the same faint sympathetic sigh escaping his lips, followed by the ruffling of his hair. Oh how I'd like to stroke his hair. It's been so long. Five years to be exact. But I'm stuck, lost. I need to find my way back to reality. My head is spinning. So many thoughts. So many feelings.

The small squeak of the hinges of a door, breaks me from my trance. This is it. This is the moment I've been waiting for. Why am I so anxious?

"hey," the little blonde haired boy, Matthew,  says.

Well here we go...

HEY GUYS! I AIMED FOR LONG BUT I STILL DON'T THINK IT IS! THIS CHAPTER JUST GIVES YOU MORE OF AN IDEA WITH WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ASTRID, HER THOUGHTS.

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN A WHILE. I'M BACK TO SCHOOL AND AGAIN SINCE LAST WEDNESDAY NOW AND HAVE JUST FINISHED WATCHING A REMEMBERANCE CEREMONY FOR THE WORLD WAR WITH QUEEN ELIZABETH II AND A FEW SPEECHES AND STUFF. EVEN THOUGH REMEMBERANCE ISN'T TILL WEDNESDAY, GOING TO CHURCH TOMORROW TOO.

I TRIED TO MAKE UP FOR NOT UPDATING IN A WHILE, SO I HOPE THIS FITS THE PART! I WILL AIM TO UPDATE ASAP, POSSIBLY MONDAY OR TUESDAY! LATERS!

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