wonderlani

Chapter 19

Warning: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and actions, and headspace (kind of). Proceed with caution.

 🧞‍♀️ 🧞‍♀️ 🧞‍♀️

She's sitting in the middle of my bed, drinking juice. Apple juice from a little kiddie box; I don't even know where the little kiddo box came from. I was standoffish as I sat down next to her on the bed, her navy eyes glued to the tiny TV in my room; the one everyone said was shit and couldn't fix it. Just bang it a few times in the box, flick the screen and you're set. 

"This is my favorite part," She mumbled to me, her voice almost muffled by the fluffy blanket around her. My head met her eyes as a small smile crossed her face, "Am I your favorite part Harriet?" She giggled, "I met my favorite part in the movie; they think everything together, and like, I don't know, solve the case. But he's sad, I feel sad a lot too."

Shit. 

"Lucinda?" I looked at her with soft eyes and a slight blush, I can't believe I'm going to ask her this,  "Shouldn't you be at your party? Everyone's probably waiting for you down at Trinty, and you hate disappointing your fans," I snickered, sliding closer to her as she cocooned herself in. 

Her black curls fell from behind the blanket, "Nu, LoLo likes those parties. Louisa and I just go for fun. But I don't think they're fun... They make Louisa and me sad," She pouted, looking up over at me, "Those people aren't our friends. But LoLo says if they pay to see us, they're all friends. No matter how mean they are to her, to us," She sniffled, her hand gently wiping away the glint in her eyes. 

Louisa is sad? She's sad at her parties... With all the attention she gets, why would she be sad?

"Why would you and Louisa be sad? All the guys love you, all the girls wish to be you, you can get whatever you want, whenever you want it with the snap of your fingers-don't you love that feeling? What would you have to be sad over?" I swallowed back a bit, clearing my throat as I looked back up at the movie playing in the background, "...Diary of a Mad Black Woman?"

She nodded silently, "What scene were you talking about then? There was no case in the film,"

"The one where her abusive husband was shot," She mumbled to herself, her eyes wandered up to make my eyes, "The scene where he was shot, because he did the shady shit to his wife," I can hear Louisa's malicious tone kicking in. I looked down at the bed, then back over at the TV.

"...They don't love her you know? They only love the things she can do for her," She sniffled as small tears slowly started to roll down her cheeks, a blush rose in her face and her face now harden while she continued to watch, "They don't care that's she alive or dead. They don't care that she's uncomfortable. And she's too scared to tell them otherwise... Sometimes we just wish we could jump off a cliff, all our problems would be solved,"

She giggled with her face unmoving, "Don't you ever think what life would be like if you didn't exist mommy?"

"Yes. All the time." I deadpanned and sat closer to her, my arm snaked around her shoulders. Her eyes soften as her shoulders released under her tension, "But I have a strong support group who helps me through that stuff; my brother, my Pop, my band. They're my core, and without my core-"

"You'd probably be hanging from a ceiling right now, knowing there's a possibility that this could be all over tomorrow?"

I swallowed.

I breathed.

I nodded, "...Not the way I would have phrased it though Lucinda,"

"Sorry, mommy-"