Rituals, Regrets, and Really Dumb People

Chapter 4: Sanctuary, More Like Ban-ctuary, Part 1

"You cried, you say?" He, the Radiant, asked me.

I had gotten up early, before Lilly had awaken, and ran to my shrine room to call He. I was frustrated at this point, my inability to tell others "no" or to even take any sort of stance against them was getting under my skin. Didn't help I also cried in front of—well, you know. That was just weakness on display. I had too much going on and I needed to do something, anything, to get these abominable feelings out of me.

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "The helhound died and I began crying. I didn't even cry when Reinhardt died."

"When you murdered him, you mean," He said sardonically. "Well, I mean, what do you want me to do about it?"

I flailed my arms out and began howling at the smokescreen displaying the god. He was sitting there, in a wifebeater, enjoying a little breakfast, and here I was making a scene. "Give me some advice, you said I could call!"

"Why didn't you call She?"

"Well, I mean..."

"Oh, embarrassed."

"That and Lilly just—"

"Her succubi are enchanting creatures, I do admit. Has to be hard on a man such as yourself."

"Yes."

"Those families you robbed of their loved ones, wives missing their husbands, children missing their parents. You know, they may have had it a little hard too."

I bunched my fingers up, my fists straining under my impotent rage. "Yes," I said in my repressed tone, "I suppose so."

"I have to tease you a little. It is better than the punishments you doled out towards others, always the hasty one. You were always eager for bloodshed, looking down at your fellow man."

My bloodstained eyes narrowed in on him. "Thank you, He, for such radiant wisdom. You've surely converted me to your cause."

He leaned forward and placed his hands into one another, fingers crossing in between. "Sarcasm does not suit you, Mathias. You think this is comeuppance? You think this is revenge against you?"

"Yes," I said in my bitter voice. "One big mockery."

He shook his head fast, leaning back in his chair. "It's not revenge, nor is it vengeance. What did Jessica say to you about it?"

"That it was a chance to—redeem myself, I think. A chance at life."

He pointed up and tapped his temple. "Yeah. You were a hollowed man before, going by impulse. Now you feel what other men feel."

"Do other men cry in front of succubi?"

"No, but this is a sore spot for you; you have never really experienced these feelings before, so they are sensitive. Raw. She and I have watched you since before you were born, Mathias. You decided when you were young to give up your humanity. You gave up as a child, accepted the easy course in life. You're a talented man, you've always been special, but you used those talents to hurt others, to take advantage of them. That shame befalls me."

Admittingly, he was right, but not because of my own narcissism. I checked out of a normal life as a boy, I experimented, taught myself, bullied kids and was bullied myself. I accepted natural law, that the strong win, the strong take, that the strong decide and lead. I wanted to be one of the strong, I wanted to be the head of the pride.

"Okay, enough, I got it," I barked at him, "tell me what it is I should do."

He puckered his lips and thought about it. His eyes dulled in their radiance until they flared up again, coming to some sort of conclusion. One that seemed devious by the way he looked at me.