Self Love • Christopher Velez •

Chapter 2; the incident

Chapter 2 - The Incident

When they were 14-

Dani woke to the sound of her alarm blaring in her ear. It was a song that she and Christopher had written and recorded. An original that they had written and recorded together. Well, it wasn’t recorded at a studio but it was recorded at home with their phones. 

Might as well listen to something that she liked before facing a horrible day. She did not want to wake up and she did not want to go to school. She hated that place. With a sigh, she stood up from her bed and walked to her bathroom and started to get ready for school. After she was done in the bathroom, she put on her uniform and walked out of her door, where Christopher already was. He had gotten better at waking up on time and not being late ever since the start of Secondary 1. 

“¡Buenos días Nila!” Christopher said to Dani as soon as she walked out of the door. She looked in his direction and mumbled a good morning to him. The two began to walk to school as usual with Christopher started talking. Dani kept quiet as she listened, only adding a word or two occasionally, but quietly. 

The two of them kept their promise of going to the same secondary school. They were, however, in different classes, which was Christopher disliked and Dani hated. 

Christopher continued talking as they were nearing the school. Once they reached the school, the duo split up and went their separate ways. Dani had already started to walk in the direction which she was going and did not look back. She walked with her head down, not looking at anyone in the eye. She had learnt how to walk without looking up at people but still not walk into anyone. 

Dani walked to her class as slowly as possible. She did not want to go there but at the same time she did not want to be late for her class and get in trouble. She avoided as many people as possible. Almost all her primary school friends were in a different school from her and Christopher. Now there were only two people in the school that she actually knew. Christopher and him. 

As she walked, she thought about how much she had changed in just a year and a half. She walked into class as quietly as she could, trying not to get anyone’s attention. Just as she was about to reach her sit at the back, Mateo called out to her - 

“Hey fatty, why did you come to school? I was hoping we would finally have a class full of students, not a class with a pig.” The rest of her classmates started laughing and calling her names. She looked down and sat at her sit quietly and placed her clenched fist on her lap and out of anyone’s sight. She did not need anyone to see that she had her fist clenched. Who knows what they would say. 

She could feel her skin tearing again because of her nails. It did not even have the chance to heal. Dani’s face showed no emotion, but she let the pain distract her from what her classmates were saying. The more she heard what they said about her, the deeper her nails went into the flesh of her palm. 

Focus on the pain, Nila, not the people around you, she told herself. She could feel her hands shaking from how hard it was clenched and the blood seeping out. Focus on it and nothing else. 

But no matter how hard she tried to ignore the words, she still heard it and could not ignore it. She heard every word that they said. Every word about how ugly she is, how useless she is, how she should die. 

When the teacher finally came to class, her classmates immediately kept quiet. Not once did the teachers know that she was getting bullied. For one and a half years, no one outside her class knew what happened, not even the other students. Her classmates could cooperate, but it was on the wrong thing. It was clear to her that the entire class agreed that no one outside their class was to find out what had happened and that they should make her hate herself. 

Dani let herself focus on the teacher. She liked it when the teacher was teaching. It meant that there was no bullying and no teasing. She would have peace. Since no one wanted the teachers to find out, they wouldn’t bully her in front of the teachers. For three hours, she would have peace.

The three hours went pass faster than she would have liked. She would rather have class for the entire day than to go for recess. She would have preferred to stay in class during recess, but no one was allowed to do so, they were all supposed to go to the cafeteria. She knew she was not going to get bullied there, but if she left the classroom, it would feel like she was going back to hell. She would rather stay in all day and leave once, than to leave but have to go back. 

Taking a deep breath, Dani walked to the door and ignored her classmates’ harsh words. She knew that she could not clench her fist as her classmates would see them, so she simply put her hands in her pocket and hope that blood would not transfer to her clothes. She would have a hard time explaining why she had gotten blood there and she did not want to have a conversation with her mother about her situation.

She walked to the cafeteria. She saw Christopher and Mateo sitting together and laughing. She did not want to sit anywhere near Mateo, but if she did not sit with Christopher, he would ask her and she did not want to lie to him. He was one of the few people she could not lie to. 

‘It’s fine, Nila, they won’t say anything to you. He won’t say anything to you. There are people from another class there,’ she told herself. She walked over and sat at the end of the table, beside Christopher. She was always sitting at the end of the table so that she did not have to sit with anyone. She did not mind sitting next to Christopher. It was Christopher, her best friend and her only friend in the school. When she sat down, Christopher immediately smiled at her, making her feel slightly better and she gave him a tiny smile without looking at him in the eye. She saw Mateo stare at her from behind Christopher and she looked down at the table. She did not eat during her recess, she would just sit and listen to Christopher while occasionally checking her phone. 

She felt ridiculous. She did not want to be here. Everyone around her were laughing and smiling with their friends and she felt like she did not fit in. She wanted to get out of where she was, she wanted to be in the comfort of her room, she did not want to be in school, her personal hell. She kept her head down and stared at her hands, occasionally turning to look at Christopher when he talked to her. 

“I have a plan for my math class,” Christopher told her. She turned to look at him and she softly asked, “what is it?”

He began telling her about how he had drawn all over the board with permanent markers. His math teacher used the board often so she would have to waste time in class. Dani smiled and shook her head, causing Christopher to smile at her when he saw her smile. When she realised he was looking at her and smiling, her smile dropped as she remembered her classmates’ remarks. 

The bell finally rang, indicating that recess was over. Everyone stood up and she waited for them to leave first before she stood up and Christopher followed. The two of them walked in the same direction before splitting up and walking in the opposite direction. Before leaving, Christopher yelled, “see you later!”

Dani turned and mouthed it back to him before walking to her own class. She told herself to focus on the slight sting on her palms. Focus on it and nothing else, she told herself, focus on it. 

When she walked into class, Mateo started to call her names before her other classmates started doing the same. She tried to tune them out and not listen to them, but as usual, she could never really tune anyone out. She could hear all the insults clearly. She thought to herself, why is it that not only everyone hates me, but my body too? Why was it that everyone and everything was against her?

“No one likes you, Dani, and Christopher is only pitying you. What makes you think you’re even worthy of his attention? Stop being a dead weight,” Mateo said and her classmates started laughing and agreeing with him. She quickly walked to her seat and clenched her fist, taking focusing on the pain and taking pleasure from the pain, trying not to think about what he said.

translations:
¡Buenos días! - Good morning!