I sat on on my picnic blanket as i waited for the gems or even Steven to come for me.
Theyre all out on a mission to the sea spire or something...I get up and formed back into my natural state before walking off deeper into my room.
"~ I lived alot of different lives been different people many times i lived my life in bitterness
and filled my heart with emptiness and now i see for the first time, there is no crime in being kind...~" I hum out mumbling slightly at the end before rubbing a hand over my cheek
I sigh " i can't believe i was that close to telling her and i lost it...I need more time but how long do i have?"
I yawned suddenly and laughed thinking of what noises i couldve made. "I laugh plenty. I mean, i laughed plenty. I laughed at how absurdly fucked everything is. I laughed because there's not much else you can do. You can laugh or you can cry. I'd do plenty of both"
I did a slight twirl and outstretched my arms kinda lost in thought.
Why do i feel 'off' around Pearl? She isn't like she used to be that is for sure so why do i feel as if something will happen between us?
When should i drop the diamond bomb on Garnet? how will she take it? i hope it goes well either way.
Ame is being more active with me lately, most likely to make Garnet jealous or something more her style.
Steven is growing up faster than i would like but none the less he will always be my baby even when my time comes to leave the plain of existence he still will be my little boy.
Its kinda funny now that i think about what has happened from the time span of leaving HomeWorld to meeting the crystal gems, they changed over time but i had aswell so i am in no space to judge now am i.
---FLASHBACK---
I sat on the cliff edge with my legs swinging as i gazed at the ocean down below contemplating whether to jump off and dive myself down deep into the ever clashing waves that seemed to have a mind of its own or to continue sitting here watching and thinking and waiting for something inevitable to happen, i started to hum softly a tune that Pink used to sing alot of the time it had drilled itself into my memory permanently.
" You do have a lovely voice you know that right?" i voice spoke as someone joined me
" Hello to you aswell Garnet." I said as i leaned against her side my head resting on her shoulder, she stiffened but soon relaxed into it.
" Never leave me alone with Crazy Lace and Bismuth again." I told her
She laughed "And why not?"
" They smothered me and i couldn't get at least a minute to myself!?"
" I was only gone for a week" she said
" Exactly!" i yelled, its true though...its still early days of being a lazuli and its still hard to get a grasp of holding my form permanently or at least long enough until i get out of eyesight.
" Okay okay, we-I wont leave you again for that long" she said as she gazed at me
I smiled up at her and continued to gaze out into the nothingness
Garnet and I have stuck together so far whether it being i was the first gem she met when she first fused or the fact i cling to her like goop.
---FLASHBACKEND---
Garnet and I have always been close and now we are closer than anything, she trusts and loves me which is something I treasure rather greatly.
She used to smell of Cotton Candy which was hilarious for some reason ;)
She still has a hint of that smell on her still which just makes her even more adorable because whenever i bring it up she smiles and gets flustered which brightens up my day.
When maybe a year or five before i had left HomeWorld i just...i felt so much pain and anger and its wasnt like i was mad at everyone either...i had cried alot...No one had ever noticed but, those tears would catch me off guard and there was times that i had cried an i cried for no reason at all for the smallest mistakes sometimes i didnt want to leave my chamber, i just wanted to be left alone...i didnt even have the energy to walk across the room anymore.
That feeling really sucks, it really sucks...
Its like swimming and someone suddenly pulls you under and at first you try to fight back up but soon your relax your muscles and stop trying because you dont care if you die anymore, I tried to talk other gems but it was hard, its so hard to socialize with normal people because i feel like everyone looks at me funny.
I feel like everyone talks about me and i feel like im drowning while everyone else is breathing, I try setting goals for myself but i failed before i even began and its because of these voices in my head its like apart of me is screaming at myself saying 'get up stop wasting your life' and another is saying 'it dosent matter cause life dosent mean anything' and its so stressful, its just stressful....
Steven asks me occasionally what's wrong but its hard to explain this horrible, dreadful feeling.
i miss living life to the fullest...i miss being happy, Garnet is basically the only one who can make me feel that feeling anymore...i miss the old me to e honest, im tired of this constant battle . I'm tired of all these tears and most of all...I'm tired of me...
I snap up right when I hear a knock and voices, they're back...
I walk out of the temple and was immediately embraced into a warm hug
" Garnet?..." I whispered out
" I missed you." She told me
I sighed smiling softly " I...I missed you too..."
She rubbed my right hip gently " what's the matter Garny?"
" Hmm? Oh, uh it's nothing lovebug...but, I was wondering if you were afraid of fusing?"
" I...I am not, I am just not quite ready for it yet." I say hesitantly
She nodded and smiled " I want to be the first one out of us to fuse with you, okay?" she giggled and i nodded smiling abit wider with a hint of worry.
