My Life Without You

Chapter 8: You belong to me

September 1, 2019

Dear Diary,

It's 2:48 AM. I can't sleep. The house is quiet and I keep tossing and turning. I keep thinking about yesterday. My baby girl had an amazing time at the carnival with her father. All she could do was talk about her day at the park, how much fun she had with her father. When I asked her how did she feel about meeting her dad on our way home, she said it was so exciting and she couldn't wait to see him again.

Ro texted me last night telling me how grateful he was for yesterday. I saw his eyes fill up with tears, his voice cracking slightly when it was time for us to leave. He made me wanna cry too. Seeing them say goodbye was difficult. Especially when I saw him waving us goodbye from my rear view mirror. It's as if they had not been apart. As if he was there by my side during delivery, instead of leaving for the Navy.

They are going to be inseparable. I won't keep him from her. All he wants is his daughter in his life. After I had gotten Nairobi in her booster seat and shut the door, Ro hugged me tightly. Feeling his warm face against my cheek, he whispered in my ear, Thank you for having our daughter. I love you.

It was hard for me. Hard for me to see Ro and our daughter together without thinking of us myself, a complete family. No one can tell me, If they were in my shoes, they wouldn't have the same thoughts as me. No matter how wrong it is. We broke up so abruptly when Ro went to the military. I was so upset that I couldn't talk to him, nor see him off. I know now, that was such a huge mistake. He didn't deserve that. I thought he turned his back on me and the baby. Instead, it was me who turned my back on him. I forced a life upon myself that I didn't have to. My trust issues and my insecurities—Why did I have to have my walls up all the time? Even when I try not to, they're still there.

Why did I have to be so hurt, so embarrassed? It was not my fault. That day, years ago was not my fault—I was only fifteen. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't say anything. That grown-ass man knew what he was doing, he was on top of me before I knew it. It's his fault! Not mines! That's why I'm so messed up now. I wish I could rewind the time, erase everything that happened to me before I dated Ro. But I can't. So I'm stuck living in a world that hurt me. That took my innocence away. A world that never asked me what I wanted. Why did it have to happen to me?

~Val

The morning sun beats it's rays upon Valerie's sleeping eyes. Her eyes blinks as she slowly opens her eyes. She rolls over to wrap her arms around her husband, but instead she's met with a white envelope staring her in the face. She sits up, grabbing the letter off Rick's pillow...

​We need to talk...

What? What's this supposed to mean? She flips the letter over. Nothing else is written. She throws the royal blue and white duvet covers off to one side and places both feet upon the floor, feeling the gray and white plush rug against her cold feet. She grabs her robe off the bench at the foot of her bed. The robe strings hang down in a bow around her waist. Valerie's footsteps move swiftly across her room, her eyes move rapidly from one place to another. She glances over to her desk but sees nothing. Where's my journal?

Valerie feels the compression of her chest--restriction of air as her lungs struggles to inhale normally. Now I know I left it right here on my desk. What the heck happened to it? Desk drawers open and close back with frantic thuds. Braids fall in front of her face as she kneels to the floor. Moving her hair back with a tight grip of one hand, she moves her free hand back and forth under her bed. The soft carpeted floor brushes her skin with friction as she tries to grab a hard object. She pulls it closer to her as she slowly lifts her body up...