My Life Without You

Chapter:5 Can't Let Go

Dear Diary,

Last Night I had a dream about him... He was laying beside me on my pillow, staring me in my eyes. We were face to face. His gaze was so intent. We lay under the sheets naked, as we had just made passionate love. He was kissing me tenderly on my shoulders as he lay behind me —holding me firm in his warm arms, he said nothing. Strange though--Somehow the dream switched from us laying next to each other to us being at a park. Nairobi was there. She was meeting her dad for the first time. Romelle couldn't stop smiling, as Nairobi asked him one question after another. He pushed her on the swings—her four ponytails flying in the wind. She told him about her dance lessons, her backstrokes in the pool, and about her brother Noah. They played Mr. Fox, Mr. Fox, what time is it until they heard the ice-cream truck. Ro brought a banana boat icecream sundae for them to split. As I woke, I remember their laughs. So vivid.So real.

My daughter knows Ro is her biological dad—there's picture of us on the nightstand in her room. She always knew he was a soldier, but never thought she would get the chance to meet him. I never let my daughter believe that her dad did not love her. I told her that he loved her more than she could ever imagine.Even if he doesn't know about her, I don't care, I would never make Nairobi think her father didn't know her or want her.

In the dream, Ro was so happy to have a daughter and even happier that it was with me. I have to tell him. I can't let this go on. I want my daughter to know her father & visa Versa. Will he be mad at me for keeping this a secret for so long? I hope that he won't be upset that I couldn't go through with the abortion. I hope he truly understands. Besides, It's my body. It was my choice. No one else's but mines. Surely he has to understand that.

On another note, I feel so horrible! I have not only lied to my husband, but I had an affair. I've never lied to him before and never thought about cheating on him. I'm such a terrible person. How can I ever forgive myself? What if he finds out? I would be so hurt knowing the pain I caused upon him and our children. Yes, they are still young, but that doesn't matter. I feel like such a failure. I'm such a damn fool!

~Val

Valerie closes her journal and continues sipping hot hazelnut coffee. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills the air. Her black coffee mug clanks on the glass table as she sits it down. Her eyes are fixed on the scenery outside. The incandescent sun gleams down without a trace of rain in the sky. No cloudy skies anywhere. Her neighbors are out mowing their grass. Joggers fleet past in the streets and a couple walks by briskly with their dogs. 

Sitting on a barstool in the kitchen, Val circles a group of letters on a crossword puzzle she's working on. Buzzzz... Val glances over and looks at her phone. A new text message from her husband appears across her screen.

Don't forget to get the paintbrushes, love.

Rick was at work. He promised Val that he would give the family room a fresh coat of paint, today after work.

I won't babe, she replies.

Valerie stares out her kitchen patio doors. Two birds feed on her bird feeder outside. She loves to watch the birds in the morning fly to the birdhouse. Maybe she'll spot a Blue Jay or a Red robin. 

It's Tuesday, and the children are off to day camp —the house is void of noise. Val takes another sip of her coffee. As she places her mug back on the table, she lets out a deep sigh and closes her eyes. Lord help me get over him. I can't keep going like this. I'm thinking about Ro night and day. Her heart is riddled with guilt.

She slowly gets up from the barstool. Her eyes trace over the crystal vase that sits on the center table. With her right hand, Valerie selects a pink tulip and brings it close to her nose. Her eye lids close as she inhales deeply and smells the strong, sweetest aroma that is sent down her nostrils.