My Life Without You

Chapter 9: Truth Is

Monday-September 16th

Dear Diary,

​It's 3:34 am. I can't sleep. My mind is racing a thousand miles per minute. Seeing Ro cry like that yesterday sunk my heart deep, into the abyss. I know he's confused. I know he's probably angry as hell with me, as he should be. Telling Ro I'm married was one of the hardest things I had to do, outside of telling him about our daughter he thought I had aborted. I didn't do right by him. I've done so much wrong. I just keep fucking over his life. I led him to believe that I wasn't married. I hung on to the thought of us, the what if's, for too long. I'm so selfish. I feel so awful. How can I live with myself? How can I look at myself in the mirror again? When I drop Nairobi off to see him next week, I'm not going to be able to face him.

I love him, but I can't keep doing him wrong. The marriage proposal was sweet but unexpected. We almost made love again. SHIT! I feel like such an idiot. I have a life, a husband, and children. Why do I keep putting myself in these crazy predicaments? Truth is... I never got over you. I don't know what I'm going to do. Should I stay or should I go? I don't deserve Romelle, and I don't deserve my husband either..

~Val

Valerie comes upstairs after watching the news and having her morning cup of coffee. Walking into her bedroom she glances at the time— 10:15 A.M. Her children are off to school and the house is awfully quiet. It's only been two hours since she's seen them off. Rick is a great husband. He never makes her feel that rearing the children up, getting them ready for school, nor dropping them off was strictly a woman's job. They both share in the responsibilities. She knows she is fortunate to have such a man.

Looking at her diary on her desk, Val thinks to write a goodbye letter, but to whom? She doesn't know yet. She doesn't even know if her husband is going to want her, after everything she's done to him.

Sleeping with Romelle is unforgivable, the ultimate sin in a marriage. She decides to come back to her diary a little later. She grabs a towel out her linen closet and glances at herself in the mirror. I really need to lose this stomach— pinching at her stomach fat. She jumps in the shower and tries to wash the memory of Romelle away, making love to him and hurting him. She feels like her life is a roller coaster—traveling high and low, with terrifying twists and turns.

She scrubs her body vigorously—her skin becomes rough from the constant rubbing. She stands motionless in the shower, arms laying across her chest, her eye lids shut, she soaks in the rush of rushing water upon her bare skin. The steam soaks into the glass shower doors. But no matter the temperature of the water, or the scrubbing of her skin, she can't erase the sin from her body, the lust from her mind, nor the pain of loving two people from her heart.

The shower head gradually slows down as Valerie turns off the steamy water. The sliding glass door slides open, and Val reaches for her towel off the stand. She blots her face first, then wraps the purple towel around her body. She wipes her foggy mirrors in a circular motion with the palm of her right hand as her left hand rests upon the countertop for balance.

She puts music on to disrupt the quietness in her room. Soothing sounds of the R & B singer Maxwell fills the air. She glances out the window, noting the thick mirage-grey clouds. The tree leaves are blowing back and forth vigorously. I really need to talk to my brother... 

Mark will be home from his travels in two weeks. Mark is Val's older brother by three years. She can always talk to him about anything—their loyalty towards each other is unbreakable.

Val has been contemplating if she should tell Mark everything; About Romelle, the affair, the unexpected marriage proposal. I have to talk to my brother about the affair. I got to get this off my chest. I know what I've done is unforgivable. Val's thoughts run away with her as she desperately searches for ways to let off some stress. I don't want my brother looking at me like an adulteress little sister. He's never judged me before, but I don't think I can handle his disappointment with me. I always try and make him proud of me, graduating from college, being a great mother to his niece, and me not being a failure. Ugg, telling him is going to suck! Hopefully, I can talk to him as soon as he gets back in town. No, I'll wait a couple days before I throw all my issues on him...