My Life Without You

Chapter 15: My Whole Heart

Christmas Eve

"Mommy, can I please stay up!" Nairobi cries.

"No baby. Santa won't come unless you're asleep," Valerie replies. "Now, I've read you a night time story, song a song to you, and tucked you in really nice. Besides, it's already nine o'clock. You were supposed to be sleep already." The soft lips of her mother, kisses her daughter's forehead gently. "Now go to bed pumpkin."

Valerie waits until she knows that her daughter is good and sleep and begins to read a book. The red and while Santa plate sits on the glass end table by the sofa, noting but bread crumbs left. The small glass of milk sit half empty. The fireplace glows, the sounds of fire crackling against the logs inspired Val to read on the carpeted floor, in front of the fireplace. Val had just started reading again. With everything going on in her life, she hardly found the time or energy to relax her mind. She is an avid reader--reading one book a month. She loves women's fiction, suspense novels, and dystopian novels. The last couple of days she has enjoyed reading in the morning and at night when her daughter falls asleep. She sits there, turning page after page. Her suspense story has her imagining what will happen next.

One hour has passed by quickly. She walks towards the steps. When Valerie reaches her bedroom, she hesitates. The short walk to Nairobi's room is brief. The door creaks up slowly. Valerie smiles as she peeks into her room and finds her daughter still asleep. The sound of the door closing was very light. She walks into her room and walks into her closet. The purple sweater looks promising. Val grabs it off the hook and pulls it over her head. Fluffing her satin pillows, Valerie turns down her bedding. She  limbs into bed, the coolness of the sheets brushes against her bare legs. The burnt orange flames illuminate, Val places the fireplace remote back down on her night stand. She takes her pen and opens her journal.

Dear Diary,

I've decided what's best for me, without feeling guilty. No more guilt. No more pain. This is my life, no one else. Everyone has flaws. I don't judge others for theirs, and I'm not going to let anyone judge me for mines. I've prayed about it. I've thought long and hard about who I'm going to give my heart to. My whole heart to. I know that Ro wants me to be with him, being I am pregnant with our second child. It makes since for me to be with Ro. But Rick also wants me back. He's been through counseling as I've asked him to do, and surprisingly, he has stuck with it. I was shocked that he even forgave me, wants to still be with me, actually wants to save our marriage. It also makes since to stay with my husband, work on our problems and stick by our vows. To death do you part.

My mother said that forgiveness is not about what others think, but what your heart says. I must follow my heart. I must be true to myself. I'm at peace now. Took me a long time to get here. And I know I still have a ways to go in rediscovering myself--understanding my true purpose. For every woman that already knows her purpose, I applaud them. Hopefully, one day I will too.

~Val

Valerie closes her journal and places it by her side. Her eyes gaze down on her belly. She lifts her sweater up, the circular motion of her hands move in rhythm, gliding across her stomach from one side to the other. "la, la, la. La, la, la. I love you my ba-by. I am here, so very near, you can hear my-soft-whispers," she sings. Soothing herself and her baby, Val eventually drifts off to sleep.

Christmas Day

"It's Ro," he said, from the opposite side of the door.

"Hey Ro, come on in," Val said as she opens her front door. Her face glows as she smiles at the barrage of gifts. His arms carry a huge box and Santa bag into her house with ease.