My Boyfriend , Atlas .

17.

Song dedication:  Aphrodite by menace //M.Y.I (no video)

People with mental health issues need support,  there smiles are a sign of people holding back pain . Support is a step,  you just being there is a step . Dr Banda says that were a team and our stories are powerful and life changing.  We need to support each other . Today is Sakhiwi's  Birthday , were visiting her at Y.A.N.A  and I think she will like it alot.  Wanji is driving us there in his range rover.  He looks handsome with a floral beach shirts and orange shorts ,  and immediately  flashbacks of his fiery kiss crosses my mind, my cheeks grow red.

" Hey what are you thinking about?" ,  Atlas nudges.

" nothing " , I say in a wave of embarrassment  .

" Well...I'll give you something to think about.." , he grabs me and kisses me hot on the lips . I wonder if being in your thirties has always been a tangle of tongue and pretty want.

" This is not the time to romance ..let's go people !" , Wanji say with a hint of annoyance.  And is that jealousy I smell?..

The drive is long but we eventually get there  . Y.A.N.A is an immense albescent structure , standing at 6 stories . There's an uneasy feeling about the place that sends shivers down my spine .  The windows are tinted and shut from the outside.  And there  shadows of patients staring out of the window on the sixth floor.  The building is void of colour except for the hints of green colour provided by the stalks of the white Roses all around.  The building looks like it could swallow you whole.

The guard at the gate smiles at us as we enter.  He smiles as if he's apologising , for something.   The truth about Chainama is that the people who go there , they .....they almost never come back . Ever.  They say it's the drugs , they make you crazy.  They  say it's the staff , they do something to their patients,  bury their self esteem,  break their spirits.  But of course these are  just rumours.
In Zambezi there's alot of stigma around mental illness,  nobody wants to be associated with a "crazy person" . If you're young and depressed you're exaggerating because clearly you have nothing to be depressed about.  If you're old and depressed you're demon possessed and they want to shoot you down and burn you for a witch  . If you cut yourself  the devil is your grandfather and he has a special sit for you in hell. If you have anxiety,  you're just an attention seeker. 60% of the population is suffering from something noone wants to talk about,  it's a shame we're all products of a toxic culture.

Yesterday I  heard a saddening story about a young girl in a village that set herself on fire because she was being bullied at school, I wondered if my daughter would be next . I wonder if the next generation that will walk out of my belly  will suffer rapes and violent assaults and the only thing they will have to claim is a ghastly whisper,  the air . I wonder if being a woman will always be associated with  being able to hide pain well . If rape will always be just another form of  "rough sex" , and men will beat us because " they love us "  . I wonder if our families will always ask us to hide our pain  because they don't want us to be depressed.  I wonder if being a woman has always been full of pretty want and of course  , pain .