My Boyfriend , Atlas .

12

When things like this happen, I like to;
one , pretend that it was the devil . The same devil that wears Prada. The same devil that's probably in Zanzibar having cocktails whispering sweet nothings in some girls ear . Isn't that human? ...to blame the devil for everything, because we can't take responsibility for our actions?

Two , I like to pretend I'm drunk and in my altered state of mind, my judgement was deeply clouded . That's actually a fact . I am drunk . The stench of alcohol is all around me , as I stagger into my mother and father's house . I am drunk. Fact .

Another interesting fact is that , I don't drink, I have never drank in my life . Until Today . Or should I say yesterday? Since it's three in the morning . I look around , thank God Bambo and Amai are sleeping. There's a dim light in my room , I walk in and I find great aunty sitting on my bed with a red candle .

" I have waited for you my dear ..... ", she says as a fake smile plasters over her face.

" There's a storm brewing.... the spirits are angry, Ntochi....they are angry with you .... we need to start the cleansing. ", she says.

" really... " , I say with a drunken chuckle, " Spirits... "

I say as I fall on my bed emitting bibulous laughter. I am drowsy with sleep and my eyes start to give up on me.

" Ntochi " , those are the last words I hear before I drop into a dreamless slumber.

***

I always imagined hangovers to be bad . But I now realise they are much much worse . Stay away from alcohol kids . My head is spinning in an uncontrolled manner as I rush to the toilet to disgorge .

The yellow contents come gushing of my stomach into the wash basin. My stomach flips and I wince in pain , when my phone rings . I pick up the phone

" Hello ? " , I say weakly.

" Nana.... it's Atlas.... Sakhwi.... is in the hospital...." , he says

"Wh- what...? "

" how fast can you get here ? "

" I'm on my way I say "

***

Mental illness is like having another person living in your body . This person tells you what to wear and what to say and whom to say it to . Mental illness is a bully . It lurks in your mind and feeds off your insecurities. It tells you you're worthless. That you don't matter . That you're better off dead. And the words ring in your head constantly. End it .

End the pain . So you get a razor and cut deep. It hurts , but that devil of mental illness tells you..you must punish yourself and a simple cut won't cut it . So you cut deeper and deeper until you're numb .

Your thoughts? You are a bad person. A mistake. An abomination. You deserve pain . You are ugly . Undesirable. Nobody will ever love you .

These thoughts aren't real they are an illusion, born out of jealousy. But you believe them anyways . Some days you fight Mental illness and you win . Sometimes it fights you , and it takes . Mental illness is a taker, but you must not let it take . You must hold on to your God-given life box and say no . Today is one of those days Dr Banda calls "Cheat days" , because mental illness is never fair .

" Hey Sakhwi " , I say as I walk over to her bed with sunflowers I picked from Bambo's garden. She sits up leaning against the wall when she says , " you look like crap"

I laugh .
" You look like crap too " , I tell her .

" I'll tell you if you tell me ..." ,she says with a grin.

" you go first " , I tell her .

" I had an episode... I was watching TV and this model came on .... she was perfect... beautiful lean legs ... small waist .... perfect teeth ? ... I wish I was pretty .like...like her.... I was so lonely.... I just got the razors and started cutting myself...at first it was to get over the pain..but I couldn't control myself..I just kept going on ..."

We keep silent for a time and a time again. Neither accepting the tearing that was betraying us now .

" oh Sakhwi... " , I say clasping her into a heaving embrace, " how do you feel ? "
" The future has been to war " , she says , " but its coming home " . We hug for a while when she says , " your turn " .

" I kissed an ex " , I tell her . And your fiancee. My guilty conscience adds . When will you ever stop with the grey truths?

" What ! Does Chonde know ???"

" Nope and I don't intend on telling him ...... it was a terrible mistake plus I was drunk ..."

" my lips are sealed" , she says, " plus that explains why you look like crap.."

She bursts into laughter and I follow suit .... now this is the Sakhwi I know .

" I'm planning to tell Wanji about my mental illness"

" when ?" , I ask . Someone knocks at the door .

" Now "