Many Mini Stories

A Mind of Grief

A girl describes her world the way she sees it through her eyes, as grief's puppet.

I put down the binoculars, but still then I feel as if I am just looking through them. Recently everything around me took a beat. Nothing crumbled down, but I felt battered. Maybe I was too focused on the stunt to remember how hard the hit was... I lived and breather the beginning of what I knew would have a dreadful outcome. My worst fears were coming true.

I'm currently sightseeing; something I picked up recently because I hadn't had the time to stop and appreciate nature and its glory. Its soothing. Seriously. You should drop everything and just stare at the green in nature. I guarantee people will look at you as if you were a loony... maybe even high. If you haven't noticed already, I am a person who keeps to herself and speaks in metaphors. Therefore, it is possible that you won't know what the "beat" was.

As I was saying. I took off from all the stressors in my life because I felt as if life had already showed me one too many things for my age. I started doing things that please me; attending what I had put off for other people. So, that is what led me to be here, standing on top of the rockous side of a mountain that defines its highest ledge. If you walk closer to the ledge, you will see, 150 ft below you, a wide, passive river. On the other side of the trench, the ground starts to elevate at a slightly acute angle. Trees are everywhere. There is a soft breeze that refreshes my skin from the heatwaves of the sun. Some people around me--bet they are tourists—are taking pictures of the panorama without really capturing its beauty. I enjoy it the most by trying to "capture" it with intense admiring. Forget the camera. Examine the terrain and study it as if you were trying to save it in your photographic memory. It is best this way. You will notice peculiar details of the panorama and forget about time.

My worth is in pain tolerance, that is if I were to be of use to anyone. I feel as if I were an inconvenience. I am currently a crowded vessel looking through my eyes. The only space for me that I have left, is filled with nothing but pain and wishful thinking. Everything else is the stunt of the traumas... or simply, organs, blood and all anatomical components. Let me help you understand what I mean. Think of it this way: the sky is blue; the tree is green; even though I live with my parents and siblings, I just see four people living under the same roof. If you look through my eyes, you will see objects without meaning; things that occupy space with nothing more than a desire to survive in this world that is going to throw unwanted and unknown pain at them. Through my eyes you'll feel as if everyone is jumping into action to make mistakes and you are stuck dealing with something worse that was thrown at you. You are too stuck that you don't feel anything anymore, and the only thing your vessel has for you is rage. Pure anger. The urge to scream hard and uncontrollably until your ears can't hear it anymore.

I stick my hand out to try to catch a leaf. I forgot to mention it is Autumn, my favorite time of the year. All the trees start to collect all the water from their leaves to then unhook them from their branches—just like we do when we throw our burger wrappers and such, into the streets. Stop that! Trees have the right. You don't! I keep staring at the panorama in silence. After I managed to catch a leave, I sat down with my legs crossed and continued to stare. Now I'm daydreaming.

I start to think of the people who know my story; how they comforted me the day I took the "beat." They cushioned the fall for me. I continued to drag myself after I got up. At that moment of despair, I saw their faces. They were compassionate and I felt safe. That changed. Now I see their faces and I see pity. The kind of pity that makes you say "Oh that poor thing." For some of them, it comes off subconsciously. But for others, I see what my eyes want to show me. I can't tell apart that kind of pity from compassion anymore.

I continue to breathe in the fresh air. Crickets and katydids can be heard singing all around me. Some mockingbirds as well. I realized that the sun was setting and it was time for me to part. Since I had come empty-handed, all I had to carry down the mountain was my weight, and I did; then I drove home to immediately to go shower and get ready for sleep. My mind continues to think as I lay in bed, slowly drifting.

Many people say life isn't fair before they have gotten to the good parts; the parts where you have to thrive. Others, unfortunately, are forced to thrive. No one is wrong though; nothing is meant to be fair. So we thrive.