The Ways She Loved Them

Chapter 14

I'm half asleep while my classmates were practicing their final conversations in spanish. Finals were in 2 weeks and we had to have a fluent 5 minute conversation with our teacher for the final grade. I'd probably get a B and that's ok with me. 

"Good morning Mr. Holmes I'm glad you could join us, have a seat."  

I pop my head off the table and look to the door. There stands Sterling with his mother, he's got paperwork in his hands and hands it to the teacher. It must be his make-up work from when he missed, his mother goes to speak to our teacher but my eyes are glued to him while watching him sit at the empty seat at Heather's table. Everyone continues to go about their conversations so we don't eaves drop on Mrs. Holmes conversation but my only concern is him. I wait for him to see me, surely he's talked to Kane, surely Kane has told him about our conversation. He sent another email back the other night randomly that just said "Thank you" so that obviously crushed me. 

Today at lunch I don't feel like being around people, I'm so hung up on Sterling but don't really want to come off as a bother to him, so I just leave him alone and let him come to me. If he wants that is...but it doesn't seem as though he wants to. As I head outside to my usually sulking spot, I place my headphones in my ear to make a silent yet dramatic exit for those who can see me. I really just want to sleep, I'm so tired lately but I'm interupted by the back door being opened. I'm surprised when I see Marvel walking towards me. 

"Hey! What are you doing out here? Sterling back and you're sitting alone out here?" he yells from across the courtyard. I'm behind the school so I don't know how he found me. 

"Just listening to music, I didn't really feel like being around people today. The whole thing with Sterling is just getting to me. I want to be with him every second I can with him but at the same time I don't want to bother him. We literally just told eachother how we felt and now I feel like it's weird and we don't know how to act around eachother. When we didn't know about how eachother felt, it wasn't weird it was easy! I don't know how to act around him now, he can't even date me until 4 years from now, I just don't know what to do and I don't want to loose him." I am now crying in front of Marvel..what is wrong with me. He puts his arm around me and I want to push him away but at this point it doesn't matter, no one is out here. 

"You will be fine, I overheard him asking that Andy kid where you a few minutes ago, that's when I came to find you. I can't help but wonder if he doesn't like me. I don't know why he wouldn't but I guess since we are friends it bothers him?" he questions me.

"Well I don't know either, but I do understand what he feels like. Whenever he sits by Heather in spanish and she talks to him, that hurts...but you're nothing like Heather. She tries to drive me nuts by sitting with him, you don't do that intentionally. We are friends and I shouldn't have to stop being friends with guys. I know you don't know me well, but growing up I was boy crazy. I was always crushing and talking about boys, so I have that reputation. So to him, he's just another boy and you are too. I have to earn his trust, but I'm not going to stop being your friend either." the tears in my eyes are evident now. 

"Well.. how about we keep our friendship strictly professional..." 

"What?"

"Yes, we keep it professional, which means we can text, we can be lab partners and I'll make sure to stay out of Sterling's way so that things aren't harder for you. He'll come around eventually and we will laugh about how silly we used to be." 

"Well..I guess that's ok..you are such an amazing friend. I don't kknow how you're so understanding about this." 

"I'm a guy, so I know how he feels, but a professional friendship is exactly what we need." He's teasing obviously but the idea is funny. 

"Professional it is then."

"You need to get inside and find Sterling. I think you guys are going to be fine, don't worry."

With that I thank him and head inside, I see Sterling and we make eye contact. He gives me a small smile, and I do the same. I pretend to be busy doing something, while he walks towards me. 

"How are you? I haven't gotten to talk to you in a while I'm sorry I just have a lot going on with the concussion." 

"I completely understand, I can't imagine what you're going through. I hope we are ok. I've really missed seeing you." I say shyly. 

"Me too, I'm sorry about the whole thing with Marvel the other day. I shouldn't have acted that way." his word surprise me.

"It's ok, I understand how you feel..I feel like that when Heather's around. I shouldn't be jealous, I just need to trust you."

"Yeah it's just hard to do that I guess." 

"I just wish we could go back to being the way we used to be, but there's all these expectations when you confess feelings for someone. I can't even have you, so I have to do a better job of communicating and just being your friend. You were one of my best friends before nothing was weird like it is now. I don't want to loose you." I look to my toes, I can't look him in the eyes. I'll only want to kiss him. 

"In order to make this work we just have to take things slowly. I can't date you, for a long time but I also don't want to ignore feelings for you. I feel like everything already moving so fast for you, and I don't want us to end up hurt, I just want to do what's right so we can still see eachother." 

I know he's right but it just hurts to hear it. I know he likes me, so why is this so hard? 

"I'll just let you do what you think is best, I'm not going anywhere. I trust you." 

With that he smiles and hugs me tight. When the bell rings we break apart and I find myself daydreaming through my last two classes.