Moments [H. Styles]

fourteen

hotel room

The lights were dim in the small hotel room, the only source coming from a lamp all the way across the room on the dresser. It was sickeningly quiet, the only noise heard throughout was my rapid and rugged breathing. Wannagohome. I tugged and tugged at my hair so harshly I swear it drew blood, a scream erupting from my mouth. Don'twannafeelthisway.

"Want you.. want you.."

"Help, God, fuck.. someone.."

"Fuck!"

"Please, please.."

"My heart.. it hurts."

Were all the cries and whimpers spilling from my lips as I rocked myself back and forth on the cardboard-like mattress. My cheeks were deeply stained with tears from the hours of sitting here doing this exact thing. Sobbing, asking why me, calling out for my people, anything to try and soothe the ache that stubbornly will not budge this time. Is this it? Is this the end?

I cry and beg; I beg for forgiveness from everyone I love, for assurance that this is the right thing to do, for any sign telling me not to, I beg for anything to guide me in the right direction. I beg for anything to take these sickening, life-ruining thoughts of mine. Betteroffdead. My fingertips pulled and tugged at the skin covering my face, my fingers surely breaking skin. Ijustwanttobenormal.

I gather as much courage up as I can and finally manage to open my laptop. I try to click the camera icon three times before I succeed due to my extremely shaky hands. I study the bullet points on my paper one last time before I hit the record button.

MOMENTS

- FRESH START
- BEATRICE ELAINE. EVERYTHING.
- THERAPY #1
- MORE BEATRICE. SERIOUSLY EVERYTHING.
-CELESTE STYLES.
-THE BEST DAY.
- HAILEY. THEODORE.
- KARTER.

Once the button is pressed I am a mess. I spill everything out of my mouth like it'd been something I rehearsed two hundred times. Honestly, it might have been. As fucked up as I am the thought of contemplating suicide two hundred times seems logical. This isn't contemplating, though, this is it. I don't even remember how I got here, to this room. I don't know what led up to this. I don't know where Beatrice or Celeste are. I don't quite know where I am.

IwishIwasnormal. Celeste could have a normal daddy, Theo too. Beatrice and Hailey could have genuine faith in the father of their children. Beatrice could have a real man. I'd be normal, playing catch with Theo and attending Celeste's tea parties. That's the norm, right? Not secluding them to the indoors, protecting them from anything that could hurt them? I see them and I wish I had what they do,

a father that loves them more than life itself.

I'm jealous. I'm so angry and bitterly jealous of my children and I know it's the most terrible thing. Why me? Why couldn't I have that? What did I do wrong? Why was I such a bad boy?

I stare back at the camera and I can see how completely bloodshot my eyes are, there's hardly any white left to them. My lips are so dry and cracked, a bit of dried blood crusted at the corner of them. It hurts so bad to see myself like this. The voice in my head cant determine whether it believes that I deserve everything that's been done or if I deserved better.

After I stare at the camera for probably eight minutes, I make myself speak again. "If you're still watching this, I love you. If you know me at all this really shouldn't shock you. I've.." I look down to my hands in my lap. I just want to hide in this room and die a slow painful death. I don't want to explain why but I know I owe everyone at least that; an explanation. "I've been hurting for a long, long time. This was inevitable, sadly. It kills me but I just can't live this sad excuse for a life anymore. Well, let me rephrase." I look back up to the camera. "I love my life. My kids, my friends, my family, my wife; jeez, don't even get me started on my wife, but.. I absolutely despise the blood that runs through my veins. I hate everything about my life before my people. I hate my pre-Beatrice memories. Those moments are something I've spent twenty years trying to make vanish from my mind but it's no use."

"It's so hard to keep on. I know I've got responsibilities, I do. I know I have kids that need me. I know I've got people who admire me. I know you will hurt, Beatrice. I'm so sorry. I'm... I'm human. I can't bare this anymore." I bite my lip and focus on the deep scars that run up my wrists and it's like everything I've ever experienced replays in my mind. All of my memories, my pasts, my favorite moments. Everything that's made me.. me, flashes through my mind as I reflect on the last time I felt this low.

"I love you, Bea. Cellie and Theo, take care of your mommies for me. Actually, don't show them this, I don't want this to be how they remember me. Just.. make sure they know daddy loved them. Please."

"Beatrice, I love you. I love you more than you will ever know. You're everything and I remember almost every last detail about our relationship. Your myspace post when we were fourteen? How did it go? 'I am forever thankful that out of all people YOU are my first actual boyfriend. Yeah I know I fuck up quite a lot but I mean.. so do you. We both do, we're human. Just because I get mad at you doesnt mean I don't love you.. okay? I appreciate your more than you will ever know baby. I really hope you have a good day.. Im getting kinda tired so Im posting this early.. Im the first, okay? Happy 15th Birthday, dork. I love you always and forever.' Kinda?" I smile at the memory and I hope it makes her smile, too. I love her so much it hurts me to leave her. I've been weighing out the pain of leaving her behind and the pain of my past for twenty plus years and it's just gotten to be too much.

I'm so sorry, Beatrice.

"That's all, I guess. All that's left now are goodbyes, really." The tears start pouring down again and my chest is rapidly rising and falling as it nears closer.

"Gemma, you were my first best friend. I am so sorry that I ruined your childhood. I'm sorry I ruined your relationship with mom, I'm sorry you had to stay back there. I would change everything if I could. I love you so much and God couldn't have graced me with a better sister. You are kind, you are smart, you are brave. You are powerful. Zach, please watch over her for me. Zoe too. Never let her forget how much Uncle Haz loves her."

"Mom, mumma, mommy. I'm sorry I ripped you away from the life you always knew. I'm sorry I ruined your marriage. I'm sorry I ruined it all. I am thankful you saved my life because this is the greatest one you could've ever given me. It's selfish, I know, to take it away myself. I hope if anyone understands why it's you. I love you mumma. I'm so sorry."

"Bea. Beatrice. Beatrice Elaine Styles. You know me better than I know the back of my hand. You know every last thing and I'm so sorry to do this to you. I hate myself for it, I do. More than I can put into words. You're so strong, Bea, baby. Stronger than you know. You've put up with my shit for twenty years and I've loved you every single one of them no matter how much I tried to avoid it at first. You are the best thing to ever happen to me and I can't thank the teacher who sat me next to you enough. You helped me become who I am today, Bea. You helped me become a successful man in the music industry. Helped me become man enough to be a dad, Bea. I never thought I'd be able to be a dad after what happened to me. You helped me, you gave me the strength. You're the best mom I could ask for for Celeste. Don't miss me too much, Bea. Don't be afraid to move on with life. Don't be afraid to love again. You're young. I love you and always will. I'll understand if I'm not your only love but please be sure before you introduce him to the family. I love you, baby. Always and forever, my sweet little bumble bee."

I cut the camera off and got up to clean myself up. I was in no condition to go to my goodbye party, party of one. I stood at the sink, washing my face thoroughly to remove the tear stains. I even wet and styled my hair up with a bit of gel, taking one last look in the mirror. Goodbye, you dumb son of a bitch.

I dressed myself in a forrest green button up with khaki slacks and a brown coat over. Not really me but not all that bad either. I'm not me right now, anyways.

Before I found my way out of the door, I hit send on my laptop, sending the video to all of my close friends and family. That'll be one hell of an email to receive, surely.

Let's do this.

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AH! Only three chapters left): Feedback is appreciated. All the love. Sorry if this chapter is messy I can't bring myself to read it to edit it ugh. I typed this out in two hours so sorry if it isn't much. Love you. Brb while I cry