I don't want you

I HATE that word!

Elle groaned and covered her head with her sheets. She really didn't have any strength to fight this and feared lying again to Angelina... or worse, coming clean. "There really is nothing to talk about. I had a headache and I was tired. I'm fine now..."

"UGH!" Angelina huffed out, taking Elle by surprise. "I HATE that word! Elle...you aren't eating, you fainted today, ....You are far from fine!" Elle looked down, everything Angelina had said was true...at least she hadn't mentioned the cutting though.

"Elle..." Angelina's voice grew quiet and her eyes were pleading as she slowly pulled the covers back. "Please quit shutting me out."

Elle slowly sat up, careful not to do anything too suddenly to set off her head again. She sat in silence for a few moments, unsure of where exactly to begin. "I...I don't know what to say..."

Angelina studied her carefully for a moment and could tell that she really didn't know where to start. "What if we don't talk....at least not right now?" Elle breathed a quiet sigh of relief. "I'll bring you dinner...you can eat first...then talk." Angelina smiled as she hopped out of the room.

Elle thought she was off the hook, but now she had to force herself to eat THEN talk. She groaned as she lay back down again. Soon, Angelina bound in the room carrying a tray with two meals, though one was quite a bit larger than the other. Angelina took the smaller plate for herself and handed Elle the tray with the other.

"Why don't I take that plate?" Elle asked as a last ditch attempt to eat at least a little less.

"Nuh uh." Angelina said, already with a bite of roll in her mouth.

"But I'm not hungry, Angelina...I don't want to waste it. Just switch..."

"No!" Angelina's voice was gentle, yet firm. "I'm not the one who is skipping meals. You need to eat...all of that. Doctor's orders."

Elle's heart sank, "Doctor?" she swallowed hard and her eyes grew wide. Angelina saw her fear and reached out her hand.

"It's ok, Elle...I just told them that you had been busy and didn't realize you were missing meal times." Angelina partially hoped this was the truth. "But if you continue to 'lose track of time' he's going to want to see you."

Elle was left again, speechless. Angelina had figured out her secrets, even though she didn't know exactly how much she knew. She sat back in silence as Angelina continued eating. She was lost in a daze before Angelina put her hand on Elle's arm, she flinched and pulled it back.

"Elle...what's wrong with your arm?"

"Nothing it's fi..." Elle knew better than to finish her sentence, though it had already become a habit.

Angelina's eyes grew sad. Elle continued to shut her out. She took a deep breath to gather her thoughts before speaking. "Ok...I won't ask to see, maybe let's tackle one thing at a time? Right now...eat. Elle..you are losing too much weight. You're too thin and you're pale."

"I'm always pale." Elle retorted with a smile, hoping desperately to change the subject.

Angelina gave her a look which quickly caused Elle to stop arguing. Elle picked up the fork with shaky hands. Why was this so hard? She wasn't even trying to lose weight. It just gave her a sense of control. She did like the compliments that people had been giving her lately though. The voices returned as she put the food to her lips. Saying she wasn't worthy. She was too heavy. She should just leave. She was a mistake. She was a monster. She dropped the fork suddenly and pressed her hands to her eyes, no longer to stave off the headache, but to cover the tears. Angelina saw the frost growing the room and saw the distress Elle seemed to be under, though she didn't understand why. She put down her plate and moved the tray off Elle's lap. She pulled her in close and whispered to her, "It's going to be ok, I promise...You aren't alone...I'm here...I love you...please don't shut down...come back, Elle...it'll be ok..."

The quiet whispers barely broke through the lies that were screaming in Elle's head, but slowly, Elle heard her sister over them. She pulled her hands down and looked at Angelina. Worry pierced in her eyes.

"Thank you" Elle whispered out.

"For what? For being here? Elle...I'm not leaving. I'm yours  and I am here for you...no matter how hard you try to push."

Elle felt guilty for pushing Angelina out yet again. "I'm sorry, Angelina..." she started but was interrupted.

"No need to apologize...we'll get through this. We've already... we'll get through anything." She smiled hoping that she really could help Elle get through this.

Elle simply smiled back and picked her tray back up...determined to at least try, for Angelina. She slowly finished the meal a full two hours after starting, and feeling completely sick afterwards. Angelina waited patiently for her, talking on and on about nothing in particular to try to get her to smile and take Elle's mind off the task at hand. As Elle finally sat her fork down after her last bite she felt though she would burst. Her stomach rumbled and lurched as she looked at the empty plates before her.

Angelina finished rambling on whatever topic she was on at the time and beamed a bright smile. At least, Elle had finally eaten. She praised, "Thank you Elle! I knew you could do it!" She picked up the empty plates and trays and set them aside. Elle's stomach was upset and her face turned red.

As Angelina turned back to her, she could see the discomfort written on her face. "You ok?"

"Yeah...I just...I didn't realize how hungry I was...maybe I ate too fast." Angelina scrunched her eyebrows, wondering how two hours could possibly be too fast, but decided not to press into it.

"Maybe you should just lay down for a bit...it's getting pretty late anyway."

Elle decided not to argue and got comfortable in bed again. Angelina played with her hands, nervous to ask her next question. Elle finally broke the silence. "What is it, Angelina?"

"Well...I was just thinking... if you'd like... I mean... if it's ok..."

"You want to stay here tonight?" Elle smiled. She really did miss the company and didn't trust herself alone right now.

Angelina beamed. "Yes! I mean... I was just thinking... if you want."

"I'd appreciate that, Angelina. Thank you." Elle said scooting over and making room for the younger girl. Angelina snuggled in a quickly sleep over took her. Elle, however, remained awake, her stomach still rumbling, as if in protest to the food she had eaten. Elle quietly got out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom. She closed the door and ran the water quietly to conceal any noise.