To Take Away Your Pain ✓

10. I feel like something's... missing.

“Jaane na nazar,
Pehchaane Jigar,
Ye kaun hai dil pe chaaya.
Mera ang-ang muskaaya.”
– Jaane Na Nazar

(My eyes don’t know,
But my heart recognizes
The one who enchanted my heart.
My every limb smiled at the thought.)

_________________________________________

His POV (Surprise!)

She was here. My dear Tina. I couldn’t smile any wider. I felt like a maniac but who cares?

She said she wanted to surprise me, but for some reason her eyes were pitying me. She didn’t feel like the person who had encouraged me and joked with me. She felt empty of all those happy moments we had shared. Was she regretting it now, that she had seen me so? But now, everyone was positive I would walk soon. I wasn’t even on a wheelchair anymore. I could walk, but just not yet by myself.

I recollected what had happened an hour ago,

“I want to start painting soon, baby. When do you think we can go to the beach?”

“You want to paint the beach?”

I was shocked, to say the least.
She had forgotten our promise! But I collected myself and gave her a warm smile, “Remember I had asked you to be my model? That we would go to the beach and I would click pictures of you, to paint?”

“Ah! Of course, … Maybe we can go this weekend?”

She was acting weird, like that.

I had thought she would help me out whenever I walked. That she would hold my hand and walk with me. But. After doing it twice, she slowly let Ray take her place. I knew I was walking too slow but, I had expected her to still stay.

Maybe, it’s just that my expectations have grown. Because I know that if this was before the accident, then I would have been ecstatic by the fact that she actually did lend me a hand, even if it was only for a while. But the more you admire someone, the more you expect from them. It’s weird but that is the truth. I shouldn’t burden her with my expectations. She has showed me how much she loves me, doesn’t mean I should take it for granted.

Ray put his other hand on my shoulder, startling me out of my train of thoughts.

Come to think of it, even Ray has been acting weird. He speaks less, meets my gaze less, laughs less…

Is there something I don’t know? Something of concern?

Why is the mood so gloomy when everyone should be celebrating?
Why does my Tina not smile the happiest smile I thought I would see on her face, when we meet?
Why do I feel like I wasn’t this lonely when she was speaking to me over the phone?

This is ridiculous. What’s wrong with me? I told her I would love her with all that I had and now, I'm thinking of utter nonsense. I shook my head as I held Ray’s hand firmly, taking a few more steps before sitting down on my bed.

“What is wrong, Man?”, I asked him. Instantly his shocked grey eyes met mine. He wanted to say something. No, lots of things, but he just sighed in defeat, lowering his gaze to the ground.

He shook his head, “Nothing”.
He gave a smile to prove it, but I could see through his facade. What did he think of me? A fool? I'm his elder brother.

I crossed my arms against my chest, quirked a brow in question as I waited. He sighed, and slowly kneeled in front of me.

“Are you… happy?”, he asked. His eyes judging my every move, as if he knew I wasn’t.
But I'm supposed to be. Ah! Is this what was bothering him? I smiled as I gestured him to sit with me.

He pulled the nearby chair and settled down fast, eyeing me curiously.
“I'm supposed to be, isn’t it?”, a cheerless chuckle escaped my lips.

“Idk, bro. I feel like something’s... missing. The way she smiles at me, makes me… confused, … not how I felt before. It used to lighten up my mood. Every pain would be forgotten. Even though she wasn’t in front of me, just the thought of her smiling, took away my pain… but now”, I ran my shaking fingers through my hair and narrowed my eyes at my smiling brother. Why is this idiot smiling? I'm speaking some shit I myself don’t understand. Its scaring me that one second I love her so much that I could die for her and the next moment, I feel unattached! See, makes no sense.

He started laughing! I was really trying to be truthful, but he must be thinking I'm gone crazy. Not his fault though, but it still made me livid.
“RAY.”

He held his hands up in surrender, “Sorry, bro. I'm just amazed”, his voice softened, “Amazed at how magical… we are. Our feelings are.”

What the fuck is wrong with him now?

He grinned, then stayed silent as he tried to calm himself out of this insanity but got up and just hugged me, laughing in the process.

I, like anyone else would, sat speechless. Confused. Worried, for my brother, a little, since I do know he Is crazy.

“Okay… I have a confession to make.” I don’t understand why he is almost jumping in happiness at that thought. Might as well smile. Must be something Good.

“Hmm?”

“Bro… actually… Tina had left you”, his wide grin vanished.
My eyes furrowed in confusion as I waited for him to explain himself.

His face grew serious and slightly furious as he continued, “When the doctors told us, before you even woke up, that mostly you won’t be able to walk again, she was shocked, angry. And she left. Didn’t pick our calls either”, he frowned, “…You started to lose hope and became so silent, gloomy. I couldn’t see it. That woman didn’t pick our calls. I felt angry and helpless. I… It scared me. Clara couldn’t see me like that so… she suggested we could ask her friend for help.”

His eyes met my grey ones as he firmly spoke again, “Even though I knew we shouldn’t be doing it. Even though I was scared you would hate me for it, at that time, I just wanted you to smile, to talk to me. I just wanted you to be happy. So, I… went to her friend, Diana”, he spoke her name with so much admiration that if I didn’t know how much he loved Clara, I would surely have mistaken his feelings for this… Diana.

“She has a talent to imitate anyone’s voice…”

He continued talking, but I didn’t hear him as the first sentence about her was enough to suck all the air out of me.

No… No, it can’t be.

Her number changed. She was nothing like Tina, except… her voice. Ha! I had been so foolish.

But I still can’t believe it’s true. It’s my LIFE, for fuck sake. Not some soap opera!