To Take Away Your Pain ✓

6. That pain carries a strong desire with it.

“Koi dastan sun lu
Koi dastan suna lu
Woh haseen dard de do
Jise main gale laga lun”
– Woh Haseen Dard

(Let me hear a few stories
Let me tell you a few stories
Give me that beautiful pain
That I would readily embrace)

_________________________________________

“Babe, why don’t you call me ‘baby’ or ‘honey’ anymore?”

Well… Might as well tell him, “At first, I just didn’t think much into it, but now, it’s like calling your name makes it sound real, Chase. It’s a proof of your presence in my life. Whenever I say your name and you respond, I know you’re there. I feel glad. I feel… loved. I don’t feel lonely.”

I have realized already that the line between my lies and my truth is fading away faster than I had ever imagined.

He won’t find out. He’s just talking to his Tina. When he does find out, he’ll just think I was a good liar. That’s all it’ll ever be to him.
A lie.
I tell myself that. To free myself. To be able to speak my mind.

I feel so vulnerable, dependent. Greedy. Selfish. I was only supposed to help him. When did I start to want him? Am I so pathetic that I'm fine with this kind of love? The love which I'm stealing… it isn’t me that he loves. When will I get that through my thick head? It’s all my parent’s fault. It’s their fault that I'm so desperate. To feel loved… Now I'm even starting to blame them for my own idiocy. I really am pathetic.

“Tina… you were never the one to tell me that you miss me first, so I always thought I missed you more. Guess, I'm wrong again. I'm so happy, that you love me this much…” I love him? No. He’s just saying stuff, cause’ he thinks I'm Tina. Right?

“What is love?”, I asked, like a ten-year old. These days, I'm starting to feel lonelier. I guess, the more you yearn for something you don’t have, the more you hurt. I never had anyone beside me to call family, though they are all alive and good, but it never hurt this much. Now it does, cause’ I yearn for it more.

“You are.”, he replied instantly. What kind of an answer is that? I scoffed silently.

“Ha?”

“To me, You. Are love. The way you stay by my side when I myself feel like giving up. The way you make me feel that I'm something when I feel like nothing. The way you tend to give me reasons to love you more and more. The way everything you do matters to me, because it makes you You… the you I love. The way it pains to stay away from you or to see you unhappy, but the way that pain carries a strong desire with it.
A desire to do anything to make you happy.
The way your presence is all I need, to give me strength. You, take away my pain, baby. And that, is love.”

I remained silent for two seconds and then, I hung up!
I couldn’t say anything. Especially not in someone else’s voice.

Every word he said, I kept processing in my head.

It terrifies me that it’s all so true. He does give me reasons to keep liking him more and more. Everything he does and will do, does matter to me. My world, these days, revolves around him.
It is true that my pain carries a desire. That is why I still call him, talk to him, act as Tina, though… it hurts. All I want to do is to run away and never face this, but my whole being forces me to do this, to do anything that he needs, for his happiness. A sad smile forms on my lips. He had just summarized every confusing thing I felt.

I guess, I really did take away your pain, Chase.
Cause’ I can literally feel it.

I can feel the pain that, you were feeling. The pain of wanting the one you love beside you. The pain of feeling pathetic and lonely. The pain that makes you so weak that every minute you spend thinking feels like a lifetime.

He’s calling me again. I should pick it up and say, ‘Signal problem’, shouldn’t I? A dry laugh escapes my lips as I answer the call, after taking a deep breath, blinking away my tears and clearing my throat.

“Sorry. I guess, it was some signal problem.” I really have become so much better at this, I swear.

“Oh, I thought so. Spoiled the romantic mood I created, ha?”

A smile made its way on my face. Just one sentence and he really did make me feel better. I'm so utterly defeated by my own feelings for him. Crazy me.