Desolation

Chapter ONE

I lie in bed staring at the ceiling; tears flood my eyes as I wonder if this pain will ever leave my body. I feel hopeless, I wonder constantly what life would be like if I was "normal". I long for love, I long for happiness ... any type of feeling besides this....My body is numb and I feel like I'm going to vomit. I shift myself off the bed and dry heave because since I forgot to eat this morning there's nothing in my stomach.
"Josephine!" I hear my mother call, oh god what could she possibly want now?!
Forgetting how much energy I don't have, I roll off the side and before I reach for the door she's already beat me to it.
"Honey?" She says walking in uninvited
The room is dark, I've drawn both the blinds and curtains. It's beyond what you would consider "messy", myself included. My hair hasn't been washed in probably three days. No wait, four. Bags and dark circles invade my face, Ive always hated how puffy my eyes get when I cry.
"Honey come downstairs and eat you look terrible" she says

I am reminded once again what this monster does to me, it makes me look as bad as I feel. I really don't want to eat considering I am still nauseous from before, but I do smell something heavenly downstairs.

When I walk down the steps I glance past a mirror, the same mirror I always pass by. It has a stupid cherry wood frame with gold flaking down the side, I'm sure it was very expensive. But I hate it. Who wants to be reminded of how horrible they look? Not me, when I have my own place someday, I will never own one of these.
Will I ever have my own place? Will I ever have a family? Someone to love?

Probably not. I smack myself, what am I doing wondering about shit that will never happen.

My mother sure knows how to cook, Fried chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes and my favorite rolls. Dinner is silent for I really don't have much to say ...I never do, I'm not much of a talker. My father was absent most of my life, just a few birthday cards and money, but other than that it's just been me and her. My poor mother, I'm not sure how she can even stand to look at me.

After we finish eating, I don't offer to help clean up like I should, instead head straight back up to my dungeon of a room. Sleep, cry, be sad, more sleep, more crying. This is my normal.

I close my eyes and tears start to flood my cheeks. My lips start to swell as I taste the saltiness of the pain that is taking over my body once more. I hate myself and how sad I feel. Will this ever stop?
I do believe in god, I've always went to church and I pray constantly that things will get better. That maybe I will see the light one day. Maybe feel the warmth of happiness along my skin. But nothing, nothing seems to get better. I feel absolutely hopeless.

Last year I tried to take my own life, which I probably wouldn't have had the balls to really go through with. But I did attempt, maybe for attention? Maybe I was ready to give up, but not completely. I don't know. My mother absolutely lost it and made me go to counseling every single week. I'm surprised she didn't take me to the nut house. That stupid incident was the reason I moved back home, I pretty much had no choice according to my mother.

Turning over in my bed, i shove my face into a pillow then drift off into a deep slumber.

I dream of a girl in a long white dress, blonde curly hair like mine only she's much younger than me. She's dancing through a field of red and yellow flowers...my favorite flowers. The air is crisp and warm, her hair blowing in the wind as she dances so gracefully. It's peaceful, almost happy.
Suddenly out of nowhere, much like my life. A dark cloud swallows the once beautiful sky. Frightened, the girl races to a nearby tree. Unexpectedly, a little boy appears from a distance, heroically he races towards the girl as thunder roars. Lightning strikes the tree she's standing by as he desperately tries to save her. Slowly the tree starts to fall towards the two, almost in slow motion. I panic and start running after them pleading for the children to move. But it's too late, and I awake screaming covered in sweat.