Never Leave Me Alone

Chapter 26

Peeta

Katniss is still depressed, despite my best efforts to make her feel better. She barely speaks to me, only really interacting with me when we settle into the by now mundane act of trying to have a baby. I told her, there's no rush. She continually seems to think she has to make the loss of the baby, a baby we didn't even know about, up to me.

I don't care. I love her. Why she feels like this, I just don't understand. I never, never had the mind to tell her that I wanted children. Not right away at least. It obvious that we are supposed to have them at some point, but she's only sixteen. She's not ready and because of that, she blames herself. Her idea that not wanting the child in her belly causing her to loose it.

She just can't get over that guilt. And now I've been called away to diplomatic duties. I feel so guilty leaving her alone like this when she feels so bad. But Prim and Jo are staying with her here at the country house. She has her horse and the woods. Not that I don't hate leaving her.

Katniss walks in and sits down to work on her weaving. She looks at me a moment and then back to her loom. I walk over to her and kiss her cheek. She smiles and I sigh.

"I don't have to leave," I say. She shakes her head.

"You aren't King yet, Peeta," she says, "You don't get to call your own shots. You go where your king commands. Besides, I think," she looks down. "I think I need some time alone to figure myself out."

"Katie-" I start but she shakes her head.

"Don't patronize me," she says. "I know that I've been acting completely insane since I had the miscarriage. You've been so patient, but this isn't how we were supposed to be. We were supposed to live happily ever after like those stupid fairy tales. That isn't this."

"I know Katniss," I say. "But leaving you alone."

"I'm a Queen, Peet Moss," she chuckles. "I haven't been alone for more than a few heartbeats for years. And while I appreciate you being here, you are suffocating me with your hovering." I step away from her and she looks gently at me.

"You want me to go?" I ask and she nods.

"You'll be back by Christmas Tide," she says. "And I need to have a chance to get over this, to not have to look at that hurt look on your face every time I cry. I just need time without having to face letting you down, even if you don't say it, there's still so much disappointment in your eyes. You wanted a baby. And I didn't. And for now, it isn't happening. I know you can't take only being able to look at one another in our marrital bed either." I look down, nodding and she gets up and hugs me. I carefully hold her back, feeling tears in my eyes.

"I'm going to miss you," I say and she nods.

"I know," she says. "And  I'll miss you too but we both need time to get our shit together. We need to be better for ourselves and to be able to live as we want to here. We aren't in the right place to be a family here." I let go of her and kiss her gently.

"You'll write?" I ask and she nods.

"Of course," she says. "I'm not shutting you out. Just take the space your assignment will give me to spread my wings and heal a while." I turn to leave and she grabs my hand.

"What?" I ask.

"I love you," She says. "Don't think I'm asking this of you because I don't." I nod, giving her a sad smile.

"I love you too, Sweetheart," I say walking out of our quarters.

Katniss

He walks out of the room and I crumple to the floor, crying. It hurt so bad to send him away. To send him off not only on his father's order, but my wish. But I really can't live with that hurt expression hanging over my head. I hold my hands close to my chest and weep all my sorrow away. I completely loose all the composure I had been building in for so long.

I feel so hollow, sick from using Peeta as a crutch to try and replace the emptiness left in my soul at that look in his eyes when I woke up after the horrific event. I hear someone come into the room and look up to see Peeta standing over me. He kneels down on the floor in front of me and pulls me against him. I just sent him away, but I know that he would never leave now, and feeling everything falling apart, even if I could speak right now, I wouldn't reaffirm my request for him to leave me alone.

"This is the first time I've seen you cry about it," he whispers and I nod. "Do you want me to leave?" I shake my head.

"No," I whisper. "Please, stay until morning. I don't want to be alone that much." He nods and holds me tighter.

"Of course, Sweetheart," he says. "I'm not going anywhere until you are smiling again." I look up at him and kiss him softly. I feel his thumb wiping a long tear from my cheek as he kisses me back I lay my hands on his chest and pull away from him. I actually feel something in the shattered pieces of my heart and I look softly into his blue eyes. He looks back and I feel his hand hovering over the ribbon to my dress. I get up and go to close the drapes that look out into the courtyard. I look back at him pulling the hair comb from my hair.

Let's not waste this precious time then," I say softly wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He picks me up and places me on the bed, kissing me again.

And again.

And again.

We make love soft and sweet as the first time.