Never Leave Me Alone

Chapter 18

Katniss

I walk into the chapel, by myself for once.   I kiss my rosary wrapped hand and sit on a bench, my hands folded. I look up at the relaquary and clench my trembling hands.

"Is this really where I belong?" I whisper. "A princess, a queen of a crumbling nation betrothed to a wealthy prince. I have failed my birth right. My father. Is it all true? Should I have been born a male who could fight to secure my Homeland. Will I fall to be another disgraced queen with but one mention for my death in childbirth? Surely you would have meant more for me, as I have served as well as I could?" I know that no verbal answer will come to me, but I can't help but keep my eyes fixed on the relics above me. My rosary beads roll in my fingers as I silently pray, my eyes downcast once in a while as I steady myself.

I hear the creaking of the dense wooden door behind me. I look back to see the Prince's brother, Gale Fitzroy Hawthorn. I stand up, pulling my cape around myself to keep my thinly clad body from his sight. 

"Lord Hawthorn," I address him. "I presume you have reason to be interupting my worship? In my private chapel no less."

"Your ladies said you would be here," he says. "His Highness has a fever."

"He's ill?" I say. "He was fine at dinner."

"An infected wound on his calf from a hunt a few weeks ago us what the physician believes brought on this ill health," he says. "You didn't know he was injured?" I shake my head.

"Of course I didn't!" I say. "I would never-" I look down. "That foolish boy didn't want to worry me." I start for the door but Gale stops me with a grasp on my arm. "How dare you!"

"My apologies, Your Majesty, but he is in a compromising position he may not wish you to see him in," he says and I yank my arm away from him, glaring in his face.

"That is not for you to decide for him!" I walk past him and out of the chapel. I walk down the stone hall towards the Prince's quarters and knock. There is no answer so again I rap heavily on the door.

"Your Majesty, they will not allow you entry at this hour," Gale says.

"I will sully my delicate hands if I must, but they will tire of the noise long before I would tire of making it," I say as I continue knocking on the door.

After about ten minutes and the begining of a breaking on the skin of my knuckles, the Chamberlain opens the large door.

"Your Majesty," he begins.

"I already know he is ill," I say. "I will see  him."

"Of course Your Majesty," he says. "We were just going over His Highness's options. He would like to speak with you about them." I walk past them and back into the bed chamber, nodding to the physicians as I go. I smell the sour smell of infection sitting in a bowl to the side, probably from drained puss and bloodletting. I walk to the side of the bed and see Peeta, sighing. He's covered in a sheen of sweat and his skin is pale as a porcelain doll.

"You thought to hide this from me?" I say sternly. He chuckles weakly.

"Yeah, should have known better, ehh," he says, coughing. I look down.

"I don't want you to feel you need to keep secrets from me," I say. "Yet here I am, standing over you like this."

"I didn't think it was anything serious," he says.

"And how serious is it?" I ask. He looks down, looking very upset in himself. I kneel beside his bed and gently lay my hand on his. "Peeta, you need to tell me so I can help you face what may come. Am I not supposed to be here for you?"  He looks at me sadly. "Can I see it?" He shakes his head.

"You, You shouldn't have to see that rancid thing," he says. I move the sheet from His leg. It is so pale and there are streaks of red coming from below the bandage.

"How were you even walking on this?" I ask as I take a pair of shears and carefully cut the bandage away.

"M'lady, I wouldn't-" one of the physicians starts and I open the wound to be seen. I take a deep breath to steady myself and carefully cover the infected sovereign sized hole in his leg.

"It's alright," I say. "I speak with His Grace on what he may choose to do further." They nod and I look back at Peeta. He looks like he's about to cry and I  come up to sit on his bed, blocking the terrible injury with my body.

"They want to take my leg, Katie," he croaks and I nod.

"I know," I say softly. "You'd sacrifice your life to keep it. The infection is trying to crawl up through your blood. You'll just keep getting sicker." He looks away from me and I come closer to him. I take his hand again and hold it tightly. "You'd still be yourself, Peeta."

"What kind of King stands on a wooden leg!" He hisses at me but I keep my gaze on him.

"You, your wisdom, your personality, that amazing way with words you have, will not be sullied by this. The true strength and heart of a leader lies not In his body but his sole. You will be stronger for this, infact," I say softly. He looks down and I lean forward to kiss his cheek. "I won't let you suffer alone. As long as I am here, you will not suffer alone, Peeta." I feel his hand come up to clutch around me, holding me tightly to him. I feel his tears on my shoulder and I let him.

"I love you so much, Katniss," he whispers and I sigh, my lip trembling, knowing that I'm still not strong enough to say it back. I rest my hand on his cheek and nod slowly.

"I know, and you know I'd say it too if I had the strength to," I whisper back and he clutches my arm. "I'm going to stay, just as you have for me. I'm not afraid."

"Katie -" he starts and I shake my head.

"Take strength in me being here, and knowing that I care for you," I say. I hear the doctors shuffling around behind me. "The sooner you let them, the sooner it will be over." He looks at me a while before slowly nodding. I turn to the doctors and dip my head.

One comes forward and starts tieing a cloth tight to stop blood flow as another begins heating a sword in the fire. I help pull a sheet across so he can't see as they preform the gruesome act. I pay little attention to them after they are behind the curtain, focused on trying to keep Peeta calm.

"It will hurt," I say. "But you just need to keep breathing and it will all be okay." You can't go into shock. You just need to focus on my voice, okay?" I don't dare tell him how quickly he's going to pass out and how terrible the pain will hurt. The calmer he is, the slower his heart is pumping his blood, the higher the chance he will survive. I find it very hard to keep my fear from my face, but I can't dare let him see how scared I am.

"You won't leave?" Peeta asks. I shake my head.

"I'll stay close until you wake again in the morning," I say softly. He suddenly throws back his head in a horrible scream, his eyes wide and wild with pain. "Hold on to me, Peeta! Take my arms!" He clutches my arms tightly and I hold onto him back. I feel his grip loosening and I carefully let him down onto his pillow.

His eyes roll back and his breathing falls even and deep. I carefully wipe his sweaty face clean him. I kiss him gently and lay my fingers in his curls. I press my forehead to his. I run my hands down his arms and carefully get up. I see a server running out with the severed limb and the doctors carefully stitching the bloody wound up.

"Would you like me to take you to your rooms?" Lord Hawthorn asks and I shake my head as I look at Peeta's brother sternly.

"Bring my duvet and make me a bundle at his side," I say. "I made a promise I intend to keep."