Only to Feel This Fully [Completed]

Ch. 5: So Many Things I Shouldn't Do

We thought we could wait out a few errant raindrops, but we dashed inside once it became a downpour and our stubborn position was made untenable. I nearly slid on the wooden planks of Tate's deck, while on the other hand, Theo appeared to almost glide gracefully across them. That boy was made to inhabit a rink, I thought to myself, watching from the corner of my eye. We burst into the kitchen after yanking the glass sliding door open, causing a minor scene for the partygoers in our immediate vicinity, but they soon went back to whatever they were doing.

Rain in the wintertime always felt like a missed opportunity for snow. The weather app on my phone said the temperature was thirty-seven degrees, just a bit warmer than the freezing point but still cold enough to make the rain feel even worse. I might have been just bitter than my skin was now numb to feeling after being covered in icy rain. At least Theo shared my predicament.

Neither of us managed to find our friends after a few minutes of searching. Theo didn't seem to be looking all that hard for his group, appearing instead to be itching to leave. My friends' collective disappearance was not unexpected. Patrick and Eva were wont to sneak off on their own, but Julia's absence, likely off somewhere with Tate, was the surprise of the night thus far. Weirdly, I could picture the two of them being a cute couple, though I'd loathe to say it out loud.

"Want to get out of here?" Theo propositioned, "we can walk back to mine from here and you can crash there if you want?" I only managed to muster a "sure" in reply, as I was in a state of momentary shock. We grabbed our jackets from the side room adjacent to Tate's foyer, which had been designated the coat room earlier in the night. Locating our belongings took a good deal of time, but eventually we did and made our way out. I bundled up my North Face, while Theo had his Napapijri. I'm pretty sure he was the only person in Brewer with that brand.

The walk to Theo's house was only about ten minutes. I had to steady myself on Theo a few times, which both was and wasn't ideal. Theo seemed in much better shape than I was. He probably had only had a few beers before switching to weed. I, on the other hand, was totally fucked. No matter how badI got, though, I've never seemed to vomit.

On the walk, I had also noticed a string of increasingly strident texts from my mother, plus a few missed calls. Shielding the screen from Theo's sight, I typed out a fast response informing her that I was crashing at Theo's. "Thank his parents in the morning and don't be a burden," came her response. Theo's parents weren't up when we entered his house. My mother would have probably still been up refining her lecture for me that she'd probably been preparing all night since I missed a 2am curfew.

Theo led me up to his room and then swiftly dashed out, leaving me to watch the rain crash against Theo's window, the sound was strangely soothing, like a natural white noise machine The rhythmic sound distracted me from just how much of a left turn my night had taken. I had expected to spend the night chatting with Julia in some corner of the party, getting as fucked up as possible, and then relying on her to get me back safely.

Admittedly, Julia got the pretty bad deal out of that plan, as she normally did, being the self-appointed 'mother' of the friend group. Retrospectively, I'm glad she presumably got with Tate. It worked out better for the both of us. Otherwise, I'd probably be passed out in the back seat of her car right now and she'd be praying I wouldn't yack on her interior. We were both better off in this reality than that alternative.

Theo brought back two glasses of water and some Doritos, cool ranch for me and sweet-spicy chili for him. I wondered if he was the carer in his friend group like Julia was for ours. He was definitely considerate enough to be. Was I crazy to think he remembered I loved cool ranch?

"You're still the only person in the world I know who likes that flavor."

"They taste like Chinese food!" Theo exclaim-whispered, gleefully.

"And that's supposed to make it better? Chinese food-flavored chips would make most people yack when crossed."

"Oh, shut up. I'm giving you a roof over your head tonight, be grateful." There was that teasing tone again. If I didn't know any better, I'd almost say he was flirting with me. I shook my head at the thought and I saw Theo give me a strange look. I realized then that we were in his bedroom, sitting on his bed together in close proximity, and that was the only thing to sleep on in the room. Did he mean for us to share his bed?

"Did you want me to sleep on the floor?"

"Of course not, you're a guest. I can...if you want?"

"Fuck no, man, I'm not putting you out of your own bed."

We had already hung up our jackets to dry downstairs, but our clothes were still soaked. Absentmindedly, without realizing the potential implication, I took off my shirt and started sliding off my black skinny jeans. "Oh," I heard come from Theo's mouth in a low murmur and he began to mirror my actions. We stood on opposite sides of the bed, awkwardly staring at each other, as we made the bed comfortable. There, before me, was Theo clad in nothing but white Calvin Klein briefs. Shawn Mendes had nothing on Theodore Broussard, in my humble opinion.

Theo may be skinny, but that didn't mean his body lacked definition. His clothes hid it well, but without that outer layer, he looked like a Renaissance sculpture, Cellini's Perseus transposed to a suburban landscape. I averted my gaze when he caught me leering and my blush must have been crimson. I wondered if he had sized me up in a similar fashion as we climbed into his bed, which was big enough for both of us to have our own space, but just barely.

I grabbed my phone, which was charging at his bedside table, and set an alarm for 8am. That would give me enough time to go home and shower before I had to be at work at ten. Unfortunately, that was only just over four hours away at this point.

"Do you have work tomorrow?" Theo's question drew my focus away from the screen and back to him.

"Uh, yeah, I work at Brewer Books on main."

"I know. I should've mentioned it earlier, but the owner Nora just hired me. Tomorrow's my first shift," Theo chuckled nervously and brought up a hand from under the covers to rub the back of his neck.

"Oh, cool, man! I guess we'll have a lot of shifts together because we're both part-time around practices and school."

"That'd be great. My mom convinced me to apply because your mom told her you liked it and the schedule was pretty flexible." Theo seemed embarrassed to admit this, but I was ecstatic.

"Yeah, Nora's pretty chill about working around things."

"I think that's who I interviewed with? A middle-aged white lady who's kind out there?"

"That's definitely Nora. Wait, so we've both got to get up in four hours for work?"

"Seems like it."

There was an unspoken agreement that we would each try to get to sleep then. It was disheartening that Theo rolled onto his side away from me to go to sleep, but there probably wasn't any deeper meaning behind the move. I laid on my back staring at his ceiling. Years ago, we had had a sleepover and I had concentrated on the very same glow-in-the-dark stars on his bedroom ceiling so as to not fix my gaze permanently on his sleeping form. I had been better prepared then and brought a sleeping bag. The room had completely changed in the intervening years, save for those stars. The walls had been repainted and the more juvenile furniture had been replaced, notably a larger bed, which I was both grateful for and not at the same time.