Only to Feel This Fully [Completed]

Ch. 25: Someone You Loved

"I'm ready, Theo. I want to come out. I'll do it because I want to be with you, fully and completely. I know I messed up before, but I promise I'll be better. I've changed."

"I told Nora I was quitting at the end of the summer."

"Wait, what? Why in the world would you do that? I thought you loved working there?"

"I do, believe me, but staying there would only make this harder."

"What do you mean?"

"Charlie, we have to stop."

"Stop?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Yes, stop, for good this time. I don't want to keep messing around with you anymore."

"If this is because you want a relationship, I told you I'm ready to take that step. I will scream I'm gay from the rooftops for you."

"As much as I'd appreciate that, it's just too late. We're not right for each other anymore."

"What do you mean 'too late'?"

"We've had our fun this summer, but it's made me realize just how much you hurt me. I told you I could never stay mad at you, but I also can't forget what you've done. I will always love you, Charlie, but we're not right for each other. I'm sorry, but it's for the best."

"How can you just..."

"And I don't think we should do the whole 'let's stay friends' thing, because we're bound to want to try again and that's just not healthy for me, you too probably. You were and always will be my first true love, Charlie, but we've run our course together. It's over now, can't you see that?"

"Theo, please, just..."

"I really didn't mean to tell you this all tonight. I thought this would last a little longer, but we're holding each other back."

"How am I holding you back?" I asked, petulantly.

"Sam's cute don't you think? He's a really nice guy too. I wanted to get to know him better, Charlie, but I don't think that'll happen now." A pang of anguish cut through me as he said those words, realizing that Sam was the guy in the black turtleneck.

"Please, Theodore, I'm willing to lose everything for you, friends, football, hockey, my own dad hates what I am now, please just don't give up on us."

"Charlie, I'm sorry, really I am, but there is no use anymore. We can never have a future. You've just hurt me too much and now we're just holding each other back."

"Ne m'oublie pas," I begged Theo in broken French, "you are all I have in this world," using the words Yves told Eric before he returned to New York in Another Country. 'Do not forget me,' a plea in his mother's tongue. It was Theo's favorite book and we'd had a heated debate about which was Baldwin's better, that or Giovanni's Room, one of those idle bookshop conversations that would never happen again. Theo showed no sign of being moved by my most desperate pleas.

There was a long silence as I began to accept the unchangeable and started staring out the window, wishing to detach myself from the situation. Night had properly set in and some stars were visible through the window. I thought of Tate's party when everything was fragile and new and not even fully realized. I longed to return to that night, start all over again.

This fraught tranquility was disturbed by Theo's voice, telling me that he was going back to the party. I made no audible or physical acknowledgment of this. I continued to stare straight out the window as I thought of a life that could have been, had Theo said stayed, and maintained a silly belief that if I withheld acknowledgment than it wasn't actually happening.

The next two years would have been hell, sure, but we would have gone to college together and that would've been great, probably sharing a dorm room, after that we'd spend our twenties in some big city building careers, then move out to the suburbs once we were on firm footing and start a family, see our children off to school then college themselves, and then retire together, be one of those old couples that die within hours of each other. None of that would happen now.

As I stared out at the dark night sky all I could think about now was loss. That imagined life was gone forever now, I thought to myself as I slumped down onto the mattress, exchanging my view of the sky for the ceiling, a fan twirling from above in a vain effort to cool this August night. I'd given up so much in the maintenance of a false self only to realize I'd give it all up in a second for one person's love, but then to have that possibility permanently shuttered. I had trained myself out of any effeminate mannerisms or interests to fit in, only to be denied by my own father when I finally allowed the mask to slip. There was no more bluish hue to my feelings, simply nothingness.

I could hear the party still going on just on the other side of a door, but I had no desire to rejoin the merriment that was surely being had by all. It all seemed pointless now, all the parties and all the pretending meant nothing. I felt like so pathetic, wallowing in misery like this over one boy, but it was more than that. Theo was not only my first love, but he represented the possibility of freedom, a life outside of the strict confines I'd placed myself into. Now, I was stuck in those confines with no reason to escape them. I'd made my choices and now I'd have to live with them.

I turned my head to check the time. The clock by Dalia's bedside read 12:17am. The date was now August 2nd, Theo's seventeenth birthday. I was planning on surprising him with a little road trip to the lake house. In an alternate universe, that was where I would have told him I was ready and we would have gotten back together and everything would be okay, but it wasn't. It probably wouldn't be for a long time.

By now, Theo must be back enjoying himself at the party, probably with turtleneck guy—Sam, I bitterly corrected myself—resuming their flirtation. Despite everything, I found myself hoping Theo wouldn't have too much of a hangover in the morning for his birthday.

That's when I finally realized, through the swirl of rum and weed in my head, what I was to Theo now. For the rest of his life, I would be nothing but a milestone, first boyfriend, who would be the answer to questions on future first dates and twenty questions with new friends. I would be like Yves was to Eric, a stepping stone to something greater.

There was love there, yes, but in the end, I was nothing more than a weigh station along his journey, the fulfillment of a temporary need. I would be the precursor to his life, the shitty boyfriend talked about as a juxtaposition to his contemporary, perfect boyfriend. As the years rolled on, I would become nothing more than a footnote in the story of his life...

The idea of communion with Theo had been a snowflake in my mind for many years, unique and a thing of incalculable beauty meant to stay in the abstract. A snowflake coming into contact with flesh is no longer a snowflake at all. The transfiguration of fantasy to reality was elusive, like the water of a former snowflake streaming down bare skin, and I was unable to capture it. Now, the dog days of summer were here and there would be no more snowflakes.

I felt myself drifting off and could not muster the strength to stop sleep's pull, allowing myself to pass out on Dalia's bed. I knew the alternatives were less desirable. I relented to the pull of darkness consume my consciousness as I faded, relaxing into the feeling of going under and wanting nothing more than this all to go away.