Only to Feel This Fully [Completed]

Ch. 8: Conversations with Friends

 That word, gay, hung in the air, trapezed by the tense silence that had emerged in the moments since its declaration. Patrick seemed just as confused as he had been at the whole situation, eyes darting between Eva and myself. I genuinely couldn't read what his reaction was.

"Okay, cool...I mean, like good for you and everything, but why does that explain why a guy I've been friends with since little league was just awkward as hell and acted like he didn't want anything to do with me?"

"It wasn't about you, I think, I hope," I interjected, not wanting Patrick to think he was at fault in any way, but only added to his confusion.

"What I think Charlie is trying to say is that Teddy's reaction was about something between the two of them, not the two of you," Eva helpfully clarified.

"Oh, oh," the words of recognition came out of Patrick's mouth.

"So is that what happened last night, you got with Teddy? Didn't know you had it in ya, champ," Patrick said with pride.

"No, no, no, definitely not," I nervously spewed a cascade of denials, "I mean, I slept in his bed, but nothing happened like that."

"Why'd you sleep in his bed then?" Patrick could get like a dog with a bone sometimes, not realizing I desperately wanted to change the subject.

"That was the only thing to sleep in his bed."

"Why not just sleep on one of the couches in his living room?"

"I don't know. I was drunk."

"Sounds like good old Teddy wanted to get you between his sheets." The thought made me smile to myself, but I didn't want Patrick's logic, with all its heterosexual simplicity to entice me into unearned optimism.

"Really, I don't think it was like that. Theo's just a nice guy."

"Okay, okay, sure," Patrick finally dropped the subject, albeit with a sarcastic tone. He then lowered his voice for a more serious inquiry, "if I may ask, how many people have you told about...?"

I cut him off before he could say the word, because the deli had gotten more crowded as the dinner rush started. "Eva and now you."

"I'm honored, man, sincerely," Patrick stated, "are you going to tell more people or should this stay between us?"

"Um, I think I will tell a few more people, eventually, probably Julia soon, but you know how things are," I started getting defensive.

"Yeah, I can only imagine what that must feel like." Patrick seemed more sympathetic than Eva had been about me wanting to stay closeted in the near-term. She'd known for three months now and had not let the subject go at all. She could get quite accusatory about the whole thing; she even called me a coward once. We didn't talk for a week after that.

I felt Eva arms envelop me in a side-hug and I melted into her warmth, in relief. I left shortly after that, knowing Patrick and Eva had been expecting to be having a meal alone together, not become entangled in my romantic follies. As I made my way to leave, Patrick pulled me in for a bro-hug, his normal greeting and goodbye for male friends. It shocked me that he showed no hesitancy to continue this habit, however fundamentally straight the act may be.

The relatively long walk home gave me plenty of time to think about all that had transpired in the past twenty-four hours. I had spent the night with my childhood crush, who became my coworker, and came out for the second time. It felt like I was at the beginning of two parallel but distinct journeys, one that would decide the parameter of what my relationship with Theo would come to be and the other would be the gradual and fitful process of being completely honest about myself to those around me. Both roads felt long and radical. I honestly couldn't say if I had the fortitude for even one of those pilgrimages.

Coming out to Patrick and then my deep meditation had distracted me from checking my phone, which I did almost obsessive-compulsively. Even more so, I could never let a notification sit unattended on my lock screen. Once I felt the familiar vibration, I simply had to check to see what it was. There was an irony to be found in this being one of the few times I didn't.

Theo B: Hey, sorry about running off.

There was something about this level of candor in the form of text that made the past day seem real and not the dream-like state I unconsciously had assumed it all to be until now. Here, I thought, was proof that not only was my perception reality, but Theo taken my feelings into consideration. Then again, I was probably reading too much into everything again.

Me: All good. Patrick thought you were made at him or something tho

Theo B: Fuck really? That wasn't it at all

Me: I told him that. He's kinda sensitive

After sending that text, I punched in the code my garage door and walked through to enter my house. I walked into the kitchen, where my parents were waiting. The pair asked about my day. Mom seemed especially interested on how Theo fared on his first day at the shop. I tried to keep my answers curt. That damn notification vibration went off against my thigh again, presumably Theo responding to my last text. The vibration happened again after two minutes, giving the usual reminder that the text hadn't yet been replied to. Mom still had two or three questions in her. What drove me mad was a third vibration a few minutes after the second. What could that mean? Did Theo really double text me when I hadn't replied? What could be so urgent?

I finally got free of my mother's quizzing and waited until I was in the safety and privacy of my bedroom to even look at my phone screen, lest some declaration of love appear on the screen and catch a family member's eye. A boy can dream, or rather be deluded, more likely. Only one of the texts was from Theo. The earlier one, which had caused the initial agitation, was from Patrick.

Patrick G: So does this mean I'm officially an 'ally' now?

Theo B: Look who's talking

I decided to answer Patrick's text first. It gave me a sense of control that I was making Theo wait just a bit longer for my response, even though in all likelihood our conversation was just one of several things he was doing at the moment.

Me (to Patrick G): On behalf of all queers, I officially knight you as an ally, Sir Patrick of the Pine Wood, defender of the gays.

Me (to Theo B): Who? Me?

I also sent Theo the gif of Good Luck Charlie making the 'who me' expression. I almost immediately regretted sending it, fearing that he would think the reference too juvenile.

Patrick G: Does that make you a queen?

Me: Fuck off, dickhead

Patrick G: That doesn't really register as an insult coming from you now

Me: Go bother Eva

Patrick G: Don't worry. I'm bothering both of you at the same time. I'm a multi-tasker

I set the text conversation with Patrick aside once Theo finally responded. I slid my finger across the chat to see it had really only been three minutes between messages and I felt foolish for the umpteenth time this week.

Theo B: Dude isn't your favorite Disney movie the fox and the hound?

Me: So what if it is?

Theo B: That's pretty sensitive if you ask me

Me: Did anybody ask you?

The conversation went back and forth like this for a while. I got so wrapped up in it that I forgot to reply to Patrick. He'd understand, I thought later that night. Theo and I stayed up until three am texting. Just when I was drifting off to sleep after the chat had gone cold for ten minutes straight, I remembered I hadn't replied to Patrick's latest text. I was wide awake once again, but decided against replying at this late hour. Patrick was an early-to-bed-early-to-rise kind of guy, so it'd be weird to text him now. I'd do it in the morning. I'm sure he'd understand, even if he feigned otherwise.