Only to Feel This Fully [Completed]

Ch. 22: Tuesday's Gone

There must have been something to being able to finally verbalize all that I was feeling because there was a change, when I did eventually start talking during my therapy sessions instead of stubbornly sitting in silence. Susan, my therapist, had sagely waited for me to initiate instead of forcing me to talk.

Suddenly, all lingering feelings of betrayal and anger I felt towards Theo evaporated and I soon felt consumed by an overwhelming desire to see him, to explain the best I could, to apologize. He was only one text message away, but a certainty remained that he wouldn't want to hear from me. That voice of doubt told me that it was probably best for Theo that I stay out of his life. I had caused him enough pain, my doubt reasoned. These two desires, a yearning to see him once more and a fear of rejection, paralyzed me and resigned me to inaction.

A few days later, an opportunity presented itself that could at least partially satiate my newfound but intense need to merely see Theo. The morning announcements in school that Wednesday after that confessional therapy session informed the student body, among other things, that the boys' lacrosse team would be hosting Pine Wood for their rivalry game that evening. I would at a minimum be able to see Theo and, possibly, catch him for a moment to talk things over.

Nora had already informed me that Theo and I would have to share at least some shifts over the summer because of limited staff so I knew one way or another we'd have to learn to coexist with each other. I couldn't decide if I wanted that conversation to happen now or as far from now as possible. Yet, the desire remained to catch of a glimpse of the boy I once held in my arms through the night, when I believed that our bond was enough to protect us against the pressures and hatred of the world. In reality, I really should have been vigilant for was my own self-hatred and faults.

I arrived at the game way too early for a spectator and, only coming to this realization once I parked, spent nearly twenty minutes idly cycling through various apps on my phone until I was satisfied with the number of students that had filtered into the stadium ahead of me. I was in jeans and a concert tee with my varsity football jacket on, since it was still fairly cold despite the time of year. I sat amongst some of my football teammates, who were genuinely there out of school spirit and for the most part also wearing their varsity jackets. The student section wasn't huge for the game, but there were a few dozen kids there.

We cheered when appropriate, broke out into taunting chants when we were bored, and groaned when the Trojans scored. If it were even possible, Theo was even better at lacrosse than hockey which I previously thought would have been unimaginable. He wore cleats with a stripe of rainbow painted on, becoming bolder, which filled me with both pride and envy.

He scored a few times in the game, despite some rough play from Scott and Kirk. About halfway through the first half, the crowd got to witness Patrick telling his teammates off, likely over the penalties they were drawing in trying to harm Theo. His screaming could be heard from the stands. Those around me seemed to be more on Scott's side than Patrick, which reduced me to only applauding Pat's actions in my head.

The game went back-and-forth into the second half with neither team holding onto a lead for long. If I weren't so laser-focused on Theo the whole time, I probably would have found it entertaining. I had to catch myself a few times as my unconscious reaction to Theo scoring was to cheer, but that would have been vastly out of place to cheer for a Trojans goal in our student section.

I began imagining that I could linger around after the game, that maybe I'd be able to catch Theo on his way to the locker room or bus, and we could talk. It wouldn't have to be much. I'd just congratulate Theo on his game and apologize, leave the rest up to him. I hoped that a short conversation would be enough to thaw things between them.