Only to Feel This Fully [Completed]

Ch. 19: Look What I've Found

Theo picked me up around 5 pm, after nearly two hours of anticipation and jitters on my end, while also trying to put the whole Diane thing behind me, for at least the weekend. We'd both gone home after school and gotten our stuff together. I had also showered, groomed, and otherwise prepared for the night with a more-than-full hygiene regimen. I was wearing cologne, my father's, for the first time since an ill-fated date with Becky Wilson in seventh grade. I briefly wondered if Theo had paid the same attention to his preparations for tonight as I did, but quickly dismissed that thought because the answer was probably no. Theo honked from the street to let me know he was here, not coming inside, much to the disappointment of my mother.

The drive to the lake house wasn't that far, maybe twenty-five minutes tops, which explains why our parents so easily agreed to permit the outing. We had both packed overnight bags. I'd also brought along some chocolates, no roses though because I didn't know how they'd be received if he'd think they were too feminine, plus it would be hard to hide a bouquet from my parents. That would just raise more questions, or rather one more than I was ready to answer.

Theo pulled into the gravel driveway. Before he could open his door, I was already out of the car and yelling that I would get our bags, because how romantic of me I teased. As I opened the trunk, I heard Theo scrambling out of the car, chalking it up to him not wanting to be catered to or whatever. I quickly lifted the bags out of the trunk, only to knock out a set of four condoms that had been stuffed in a side pocket. We both stared at their placement on the gravel driveway in shock and then at each other. Upon closer inspection, I also found lube. Theo Broussard came prepared, I thought to myself.

"Care to explain, Mr. Broussard?"

"I just...I thought it was better to be safe than sorry? I didn't know what you'd be expecting tonight, with the whole weekend at your uncle's lake house thing, and I didn't want to not have what was required..."

"Are you expecting...that to happen this weekend?"

"Only if that's what you want."

"I'm asking you what you want. I want to go at your pace. I've wanted to be as close as possible to you for as long as I knew what that meant, but you're the one who gets to decide."

"I want to, trust me. Charlie...I really like you, like a lot."

I must've gotten something out in response that satisfied Theo, but I changed the subject leading him inside the house as quickly as possible. We settled on the main bedroom, as the twin beds in the other room were not how we wanted to spend the weekend. I got to making dinner, which definitely took Theo by surprise, and he played music on his speaker while chatting with me as I cooked.

I made empanadas, off some family recipe that Eva gave me. I thought they turned out pretty well if I was being graded on a curve of having just learned basic cooking skills three days ago. However, Theo didn't each much and looked squeamish the entire meal. He obviously didn't like the food but didn't want to hurt my feelings. I decided I'd break the tension.

"Jeez, this chef should be banned for all kitchen everywhere for eternity, huh?"

"What? Charlie, you're cooking is actually surprisingly good..."

"Surprisingly good? I'll take it, but you should tell your face about your tepid approval. You look like you're being made to eat your own vomit."

"Thanks for that visual and sorry, I'm just a little nervous. I don't really have much experience with how this all works, but I don't want anything...unfortunate to happen tonight."

At first, I thought he meant he was new to a relationship, but then it clicked. "Oh," was all my brain could handle in response. We hadn't broached such topics before tonight, well not really, always with an element of jest. I'd always imagined myself topping, the alternative felt too emasculating, but at this moment, with Theo before me, I realized I'd willingly and enthusiastically do whatever he wanted. I clearly hadn't put as much thought into these logistics as Theo must've, based on our conversation thus far.

"Again, Theo, we can go as slow or as fast as you want. We have all weekend and every day and hour after that for as long we want to figure this all out."

"Thank you, really, Charlie, but the truth is I want you, in me, a part of me now."

"Oh," was what I was reduced to for the second time in a matter of minutes.

We barely left the bedroom for the entirety of that weekend and, even then, only for necessities such as food and water. When we got hungry, one of us would race down to the kitchen and scavenge something to eat and we'd share a meal in bed. Theo had brought four pre-rolled joints in a mint box for us to share over the course of the weekend. My ever-thoughtful boyfriend also brought febreeze so the smell wouldn't linger in the room after we left.

That was all fun and memories that I'll cherish or whatever, but for the majority of the weekend, from Friday night through Sunday when we scrambled to get decent for church in the morning, was spent attached to each other as much as possible. As expected, our first time, really our first few times were full of stops and starts. The whole thing would have been deeply embarrassing had anyone but Theo been there with me. We made a mess of each other but had made sure to lay down more than enough towels on the bed to prevent any trace from lingering bodily fluids. I'm sure my uncle would have appreciated that had he known, although had he known he probably would've freaked out that his nephew was having gay sex in his lake house.

The intimacy involved in penetrative sex was much greater than anticipated. In those moments, I felt one with Theo, in a way I haven't felt close to with anyone else in my life. The act felt like a physical manifestation of our feelings for each other, which is why I felt totally comfortable receiving as well as giving. I don't think Theo was entirely expecting that to be the case or that I would be the one to bring it up, but I was on a high that weekend and wanted to feel him as close to me as possible. I felt totally open to him, sharing my most vulnerable self with him, as I felt him doing with me, like a communion of our souls.

Of course, I knew it must end, as all highs must have a come-down. At mass on Sunday morning, after we had returned to our real lives, I spotted Theo with his family a few pews in front of mine and to the right. Our eyes connected and our mouths shared a smile with each other, transmitting a secret only decipherable to us. We were back in the real world, but our feelings remained the same. That was all that mattered to me then.