Bad Girls Don't Cry

Chapter 6

Wow. What just happened?

I sat in silence for a long time. My heart was still thumping wildly and I couldn't get the image of Sam's angry eyes out of my mind. I slumped in the corner of my bed rereading the conversation on my screen, trying to understand the series of events that had lead me down this very dangerous rabbit hole. I wanted to show him that it's all part of The Game until I use my Safeword. But it backfired. I took him to a place where the Safeword lost all meaning, a place I wasn't comfortable with anymore. That was a hard limit: the Safeword kept me pushing and challenging men, it was like a shield I could put up when The Game got too real. But I wasn't in The Game anymore. It's impossible to be the only one playing. And still, the fear was intoxicating. I didn't understand how my desires could be so overpowering. My mind and body were completely disconnected from each other.

I was genuinely scared for a while, often checking around me to make sure no one was following me. I removed the basement key from the shed under the stairs as I had said I would and I figured I would tell my parents I had simply forgotten to put it back should they have needed to use it. It took a lot for me to move the key; to really and truly not want him to come back in the state he was in when he last wrote to me. I didn't realize it then but I was beginning to learn the rules to The Game I had been so obsessed with playing.

I wasn't sure if Sam had been serious about not respecting my Safeword, but I didn't want to take any chances. I thought that maybe he had just wanted to scare me. Maybe they were tough words as mine had been from a safe place behind a vale where nothing but words mattered and actions were inexistent. I was hoping he wasn't serious and that he would talk to me again so I wouldn't feel actual terror. The thought that he could be unleashed on me was delightfully tormenting in theory, but I didn't want him to show up at my house again without talking to me first. I didn't enjoy the idea that he could seriously injure me; I did not want to be bloody on the floor. He didn't appear online again, though. I checked every day for nearly 2 weeks.

Two months went by. It was more than enough time to get back to my regular routine; although I never did put the key back in the shed under the stairs. His threats were always some kind of tormenting cloud that floated nearby. I couldn't really forget, but I wasn't conscious of the worries I had had of him coming back again. The real threat seemed long gone and the imminent fear went with it. I went back to my normal boredom, so focused on life and oblivious to the dangers lurking all around my protective, little bubble.

One Saturday night, as I was sitting on my bed in sweatpants and a tank top chatting merrily with a friend online, a gentle knock came to my bedroom door. I assumed it was one of my parents who came downstairs to ask me something. I didn't notice that it was past 2am.

"Come in," I said. Nothing happened. I didn't think twice about it. I hastily wrote to my friend that I would be right back and went to answer the door. As I turned the handle, the door rapidly swung open and sent me flying back a couple feet into the wall behind me. Before I could come to terms with what was happening, Sam had me pinned against the wall by my throat. I grabbed at his arm to try to move him. He didn't budge even a little. He towered over me in his black attire. I looked up at him and again, all I could see were his eyes. They were so angry. I remember looking up at them as they hovered over me and I tried so hard to show him that I was just a harmless creature in need of his mercy. I wanted him to know he had all the power so that maybe he wouldn't feel like he needed to exert much of it to prove himself. A part of me already knew that would mean nothing but what else could I do? I had no words for him; my voice was caught in my throat. I felt such an intense rush of real fear that I didn't even know what to do. I was too scared to really fight back in my usual provocative manner. I sincerely didn't want him there.