Bad Girls Don't Cry

Chapter 9

I spent that summer with Anthony pretty much every day. He was just the sweetest. He picked me up every morning at 8am to bring me breakfast and drive me to work. He picked me up after work and took me to fancy restaurants and bars. He wasn't jealous when I talked or flirted with other men. He was the perfect gentleman. He listened to me when I talked, and I mean really listened. He made me feel like I was worth being a person. It's crazy to think that way about yourself and yet it was such an intense self-hatred I felt that I knew I really needed him. I was very lucky, in retrospect, to have Anthony there when I needed him most. He aided greatly in my transition. He made me forget for a brief moment how truly alone I felt in my heart. I hadn't been in a good headspace. I was beginning to grow restless of everything, of being in that big city and the relentless drudgery of everyday life. I couldn't stand it anymore.

One day, I was laying in bed and staring up at the ceiling, contemplating my existence and realizing there was no purpose to having me on the planet if I couldn't even live in my own skin. I needed to get away but I didn't know how. After about an hour of reflection, I decided I was going to travel. I had a 3-week vacation coming up but I knew I wouldn't be ready to return after only 3 weeks. There was so much sitting on my heart that I needed to feel I would return when I was ready to return and not because someone or something would compel me.

Within a week, I had plans to get rid of my apartment, all my furniture, sorted through my clothing and donated 95% of them to some worthy cause, got my papers together, quit my job and hopped on a plane to Southeast Asia. I was so lost and confused simply being me. I was so terrified to be out there by myself, but I believed that if I pushed myself hard enough, I would be able to do it. Something told me I would learn to adapt and after everything I had been through, I felt a newfound admiration for my ability to survive. I figured if my stupidity didn't get me killed by then, nothing would; even though that's clearly a false rationalization. Still, it got me where I needed to be to continue on my journey of self-love and renewing my trust in myself: Koh Lanta, Thailand.

I remember the moment I realized I wasn't in a dream and I was actually alone in a foreign land across the planet. I wiped the tears from my face as I spoke out loud to myself.

"Come on, you got this. One day at a time."

I walked along the side of the main road to a beautifully nestled tree-house hostel. It was the first time I ever contemplated staying in a hostel before. I was afraid of being in close proximity to strangers who could get to me as I slept, but I pushed myself. This was a new time for me. I had the courage to get rid of everything I had and relocate to the other side of the planet, I should have the courage to do this too, I thought. I got to know the woman running the hostel, Lana, and her son John. They were really accommodating and I felt like I had some good people watching my back. They took me on excursions around the island and showed me some beautiful scenery. As the week went on, John seemed to become overly infatuated with me, and I felt a stirring I thought I had long since tucked away.

John was dark and handsome. He had tattoos, which I loved, and a bit of an evil glare in his eyes. He was very interested in taking me out and showing me his island. He was sweet and demonstrated a passion inside him that I was attracted to; and so I went on our first date. It was pretty relaxed. He drove me to a restaurant on the pier where we watched the boats floating around us and smelled the salty ocean as it came in with the breeze. We laughed about simple things. His English wasn't that great so we could only touch the surface of things. I felt I was forcing the conversation; maybe I was just trying to be polite. I was smiling and engaging, but I didn't feel in my heart that I truly wanted to be there. I didn't feel passionate or get a rush of adrenaline from being there with him. I didn't feel my heart thumping through my chest, and I didn't fantasize that I wanted him to take me over.