Bad Girls Don't Cry

Chapter 14

After my adventures with Ben, I felt a newfound light within myself; an awakening, you could say. I didn't feel terrified at the thought of playing The Game anymore, and I felt I had finally put the pieces together to keep me both longing the danger while feeling safe. Ben showed me that men could be trusted again, that I could teach them the rules properly and make sure the men I wanted to play with understood them. I became excited at the thought of new prospects; I started glancing at men in a different way with desire pouring out of my eyes onto the ones I thought could potentially satisfy my needs. I reveled once again in my fantasies. The men around me were enticing again and I felt I found the version of me I thought I had lost. I found that wide-eyed girl who couldn't contain her excitement at the idea of being taken over by a big, strong man. I felt sexier, too, as though all of my passion had been stored away in a locked box to which Ben had the key. He reminded me that I was a sexual being with needs that had to be satisfied. The ideas that started going through my head again were exciting, though not to the point of forgetting all that I had learned up until that point.

I felt I had changed fundamentally. I recognized that I had a lot more power within myself to control my urges and do things a better, safer way. I contemplated all the years I had lived in silence, cooped up in my fear and solitude, and I decided I needed to do something adventurous and prove to myself I can handle being out there on my own. My sister had been working for years for an air miles points company and she offered to fly me to the next available spot: Vietnam. I didn't know anything about the country but I was in this newfound euphoria and I felt like I could handle anything on my own again. I hopped on the flight and landed in Hanoi. 

I don't think anything really prepares you for a culture shock quite like that one. Vietnam is such a special country. If you haven't been yet, I urge you to go and explore it. I had booked the first night at a hostel in Hanoi's Old Quarter. I figured I would just wing it after that. It was all part of the experience; I was trying not to overthink things, to go with the flow and to reestablish trust with myself. I met some pretty lively characters at the hostel within my first couple nights. I wasn't sure where I wanted to go afterwards, so I decided to stick around there for a little while and see what opportunities would arise.

The second or third night I was there, I met a guy from Montreal named Matt. It was nice talking with someone who knew where I was from and all the colloquialisms that go along with it. He just seemed so familiar to me. We connected instantly. We would go across the street from the hostel to The Lantern Lounge where they served large glasses of rice wine for 0.50$ CAD, and we would talk about our passions and our motivations for the journey. I told him about my fantasies. Open communication, right? And he wasn't phased by them in the slightest. In fact, they turned him on. His reaction was delicious. In turn, he told me about his colorful past. Turns out he had been part of a street gang before he decided to leave Canada and had to flee to escape persecution for being a deserter. In fact, he had been part of the same street gang that Alex was part of a decade earlier. That made me nervous, but I bit back the feelings of doubt a while longer. Everyone is different, after all, right? Might as well give him the benefit of the doubt, for now, while remaining cautiously optimistic.

As we got to know each other better, I began feeling a strong connection with him. Maybe it was the familiarity of his situation? Maybe it was because I felt he was real with me, truly opened up and disclosed some of the things he was less proud of having done? Maybe it was because we both grew up in the same city and the familiarity of the language and the customs made me feel a bit homesick? I'm not sure. But I decided I wanted to go on a small trip with him to a little island, Cat Ba, which was a 9 hour bus and a ferry away from the big city. We had a plan to leave within a couple days and spend a week together in seclusion, experiencing tantalizing fantasies together. I was so excited to go with him, and I decided to wait until we were alone on the island before engaging in anything too sexual with him.