Bad Girls Don't Cry

Chapter 19

I; the woman who couldn't settle into a normal routine; who couldn't face the boredom of a 'normal' life; suddenly began craving stability. After having travelled alone for a year on the other side of the world, living out of a backpack, moving from place to place, meeting people from all walks of life and coming face to face with truly understanding the dangers of going too far out of my comfort zone, I finally learned what I needed to learn to move back home with the desire to 'settle down'. I was still moving from place to place without a steady job or anywhere to live. I was lucky enough that my ex (not Alex, the good one) let me crash on his couch for a few months while I got my shit together. Not long after, I got a boring job working in a large company where I could be somewhat invisible. I had only been working there for about 2 weeks the day I saw his name written across a company email; Sam.

I knew immediately it was him. His photo ID was staring me right in the face and as I sat at my computer, I felt the heat rising in my cheeks and my heart was beating rapidly. My palms began to sweat.

My face told all. My eyes were large and beginning to water, and I felt like there was a knot in my throat that dislodged and scraped its way down to the pit of my stomach.

My boss' desk was next to mine. He turned his head my way and saw immediately I was exhibiting signs of distress.

"Are you OK?" He asked anxiously.

I shook my head.

"Want to talk about it?"

I wasn't sure I did but I couldn't very well burst out into tears right there in the office. I nodded. We both rose from our desks and I followed him into a small conference room. He sat opposite me and waited for me to calm down a few minutes before he spoke again.

"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"You could say that..." I replied meekly. I looked down at my fumbling hands. I was so embarrassed to have this conversation with my boss. I thought I had moved past this and managed to find myself a new life.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I just want to make sure you're OK."

He looked at me with a puzzled expression on his face. I thought it would be best to just tell him the truth. After all, I felt it would be best to trust this man seeing as how I would be his subordinate for an undetermined amount of time.

"OK... " I started, my voice trembling as I spoke. A tear began rolling down my face and I knew I could easily begin balling. I needed to avoid that at all cost. Last thing I needed was to be seen as unstable and dismissed.

"It all started about 10 years ago. There was this guy I met at a friend's wedding, and we started talking and we realized we had a lot in common... uhm... sexually..." I paused to gauge his reaction. He seemed intrigued and perplexed. He just nodded and allowed me the time I needed to get out every word. I spoke slowly, trying to ensure I wouldn't let go of my composure, or whatever composure I had left. I continued.

"I was very adventurous back then. I used to look for... dangerous men... I thought it was the only way I could get off..." I was so embarrassed saying this out loud to a man I barely knew. I knew he had all the power and there was nothing I could do but keep quiet and live in fear or tell him everything and feel like I either have someone on my side to keep me safe or end up having to quit and find a new job.

"Ok, go on..." He nodded, a little confused as to where the story was headed.

"This guy I met, we made a plan. He... uh... was to break into my apartment and..." I stumbled a bit at the end there, thinking how could I be saying this out loud? I was sure he'd think I was insane.