Bagatelle

12.

Eddy stops walking. He feels his hole body sinking down. The whole world, that seemed so bright just a couple of minutes ago, now is turning darker. Juilliard. That's another country. In another part of the planet. Oh no. Brett...
***
That night Eddy can't seem to find the right position to rest. He is turning around and around over his sheets. He looks at his phone. It's 4am. Shit.
Officially, it's been two weeks since he have stop talking to Brett. After three months of speaking with him daily, it feels like an eternity. The spring have arrived finally.
He gets up from bed and walks around the room. It's cold outside, the window glass is wet. Just as Brett's sweater after Eddy cried on it for so long.
He opens the curtains and watches the bright moon. It's the same time of the year, he thinks. The day his sister left.
***
“Eddy”, his sister whispers. “I’m in!”. Eddy wakes up slowly and confused. “Where?”, he mumbles stroking his eyes and trying to put his thoughts in order.
“Juilliard!”, she screams. “Eddy! I'm leaving next month!”, she jumps to his bed to hug him. “I can't believe it!”, she says with a bright smile on his lips.
Eddy remains quiet. Leaving....
“Where?”, he asks again, this time fully awake.
“In the USA”, she says carelessly. “It’s literally, the other side of the planet, but it's also the best school I could have choose”. Eddy gets up from bed in a jump to look at her.
“Then leave already”, he says before getting out of the room, slamming the door behind.
***
He sighs. The sun starts raising.
“Why do all have to leave?”, he whispers while a tear falls from his cheek. The light starts entering the room slowly. Eddy feels the warm going through his skin.
The bell rings.
***
“Music was the one who let me find you”, he says squeezing his hand. “And find myself”. Eddy's heart shrinks for an instant. His heart is moving from up to down, from absolutely happiness to despair on every word that comes from his love's mouth. “I don't think it's possible for me to enter...but meeting you made me realize it's worth trying”. Eddy keeps quiet. His hand is pressing harder on Brett's fingers.
Brett is leaving. Brett is leaving. Brett is leaving.
“You are the first person I told this”, Brett adds taking a step closer to him. He can see Eddy's eyes filling with tears. “Eddy”, Brett whispers taking his other hand, but he slaps it softly. Brett's face breaks down in pain.
No!
He jumps to hug Brett strongly, his face sinking on the fabric of his sweater. The tears starts falling down nonstopless on Brett's shoulder.
Eddy can't say anything for a long time. Just tears and tears fall, making Brett's sweater all wet. He caresses Eddy's back softly. He doesn't know what to say. Should he apologise? What is he supposed to do now?
Eddy let go off Brett's embrace. His hands still holding. He wipes his eyes, and turns around quickly.
“I have to go home”, he says letting go off Brett's hand. “Wait!”, Brett screams, before Eddy starts running on direction of the bus stop.
***
“Belle!”, Eddy screams as soon as he sees his big sister. “You arrived so early!”, he says before he immedeately starts crying and hugging her hard.
Belle let his small bag fall to the floor to hug him back.
“Eddy! What happened? Those are not tears of joy from seeing me!”, she laughs, ruffing Eddy’s hair gently. “Come on, let's get inside and talk”, she whispers in Eddy's ear.
***
The day after, Brett tries to talk with him. “Eddy!”, Brett screams running towards him. Eddy turns back and starts walking in opposite direction. He walks faster to reach him, feeling his heart heavy on his feet.
“Please, Eddy”, Brett pleads, holding him from the sleeve of his black sweater. “We need to talk”, he says trying to contain a small tear. Eddy feels a shiver running down his spine. He flinches.
He remains still, and with out looking at him, he finally says: “I can't now. Please, let me go”.
***
“Are you going to tell me or are you expecting me to get it out from you?”, Belle asks as she takes a sip of the coffee Eddy made for her. Eddy is sitting down next to her. His arms crossed, and his eyes fixed on the steam that comes from his cup. “It’s delicious, as always”, she says smiling.
From Eddy's eyes, big tears starts falling quickly again. “He liked my coffee too”, he cries. He puts his arms over the table, and sinks his head in the space he creates for his tears to fall.
Oh! Is a 'he', she thinks to himself.
“Who is he?”, Belle asks caressing his back gently. “Shh. Don't worry, tell your sis. I may be of help”. He now is playing with Eddy's messy hair.
“You can't”, he whims. “Everyone of you just leaves”, he adds in a nasal voice. “Mom, dad, you, and now...Brett”. He starts crying again, loudly and heavily. Just like a child.
“Oh. So his name is Brett”, Belle says ignoring the tantrum. “Where is he leaving?”, she adds as she offers him a handkerchief.
Eddy takes it, while he tries to wipe his tears and sniff his nose. His eyes are all red and swollen.
“To Juilliard”, he whispers. “I hate music. Music always takes everything I love”, he says before going back to his crying position. Belle looks at him with tender eyes. So it's like this...
“You love him, Eddy?”, she smiles. She sits down on the chair more comfortably. Finally. 
“Yes”, Eddy whispers between hiccups, and with his head still down. “But not anymore”, he adds dramatically.
Belle starts laughing.
“Eddy”, she says with the sweetest voice. “We both know you wouldn't be crying if you didn't love him, right?”
Eddy frowns.
“And what's the use?”, he says as he gets up, shaking. “He will be gone. He is amazing. Juilliard will love his music. And he will leave...”. His voice cracks at this last sentence. A silent tear falls slowly on his cheek.
Belle sighs. She gets up from the table and walks around the kitchen to watch the sun from the window.
“What about you?”, she asks calmly, taking another sip from his coffee. “What do you want to do?”
Eddy looks at his sister's figure. She has the same nose as his mother, and the long fingers from his father. He haven't notice how much she have changed since last year. She's wearing a long white dress and a thick black coat. Her hair, still messed up from the flight.
“I don't know”, Eddy says in a low voice.
Belle walks from the window, back to the table. “As I see it, brother”, she begins, looking at Eddy's eyes, “You need to figure out what you want, first”. She takes Eddy's hand to caress his fingers. “Oh! You are back, right?”, she says as she notices the hardness on Eddy's finger tips.
Eddy nods.
Belle smiles more confidently. “Secondly, you need to figure out what Brett wants”, she says. Eddy turns to see her scared. “And when you get to know both of those things, you'll need to make a decision. The one that your heart knows is the right one”.
Eddy stays quite. He still hiccups from time to time, but finally, the tears have stop falling.
“But please”, she adds with a serious voice and fixing his eyes on Eddy, “If you love him, do not give up on him so easily”. She say this while pressing Eddy's fingers. He looks at her with eyes wide open. For a moment, he remains quite.
I do. I love him.
Eddy nods slowly.
“It hurts, though”, he mumbles. He feels like crying all over again, but Belle interrupts him...
“I know”, Belle answers. “It hurts for both of us”, she says, making Eddy's eyes open in surprise. “For the one who leaves, and for the one who stays”, she sentences.
Eddy looks at her in shock. When Belle left, all was laughs, hugs and happiness. Eddy was the one who cried all nights after. He was left all by himself.
“I leaved alone, little brother”, she explains to Eddy. “And when I arrived there, I was all by myself. There was no mom, no dad, no friend, and no little brother to go cry whenever things weren't going so well”. Eddy turns his head down, feeling a thick mass going trough his throat.
Sister...
“If Brett leaves, he will need someone he loves for those days”. Her serious face is gone, now she is smiling sweetly. Is the same smile she always played for his little brother that she loves so much.
“Someone, somewhere to comeback to...”, she adds feeling like crying as well. Eddy notices his small shakes, and runs to hug her. Tears aren't falling anymore from him.
“Welcome home, sis”, Eddy whispers after a while.
***
“Brett!”, her mom screams from the kitchen. “Breakfast is ready, darling!”, she adds more softly. For the first time in weeks, she has a free day to stay at home, and have breakfast with his beloved son. She made an extra effort, making hot cakes, fruit, juice and scrambled eggs. It looks like a picture from a restaurant.
Brett walks down slowly. He is wearing a black sweater.
Her mom gasps when she looks at him.
“Brett! What happened?”, she screams scared. Brett talks trough his clothes, and the last time he wore black was after his cat got lost.
“Nothing”, he mumbles stroking his eyes. “That looks good”, he says trying to sound excited.
“Did you even sleep?”, her mother asks looking at the dark circles under his eyes.
“A little”, Brett answers ignoring her worried tone. He walks to the table and sits down. “Thank you”, he whispers before taking a sip from the juice.
She knows he's lying, but also has a hint on what could have happened.
“Ok”, she says taking a sit next to Brett. She takes a sip from his juice, and also fills his son’s cup with coffee. But Brett doesn’t even reacts. This is worst than she had think.
“You know what?”, she begins, “As I'm spending all afternoon at home, why don't you invite Eddy to have dinner with us?”.
Brett stops eating instantly. He looks at a lost point across the room, with his eyes covered in a dark vail. Her mother looks at him worried. Yes, it was that, she thinks to herself.
“He can't come”, Brett whispers robotically a couple of minutes later.
“Really?”, her mother asks with fear, “Why is that?”, she finally lets out, waiting for the worst to come.
But Brett stays still.
Her mom looks at him. She expected a tantrum, some screams and a big scandal, telling her how much he hated Eddy. But Brett just stays in silence, as a tear starts falling down from his cheek.
“Brett!”, she screams getting up from his chair to hug him. “Oh, my love!”, she whispers caressing his hair softly.
Brett takes off his glasses, his hands shaking a bit.
“Mom”, he whispers, “What am I going to do?”.
***
Eddy walks to school. He is wearing a grey cotton shirt over his uniform. It's her sister's present.
This morning, is warmer than the others.
His head goes down as he walks by across the school yard. His mind is going around and around, repeating the words her sister gave him a couple of hours ago.
"What do I want to do?",  he wonders. Everyone expects me to do music. He frowns at the thought. "No", he fights with himself. "I want to do music as well", he admits.
He stops at the middle of the yard. "But...", he doubts, “Do I want to go to Juilliard? To become a musician? An aspirant soloist?”.
He starts walking again, his head up, as if he were looking for the answer on the sky.
He suddenly sees Brett, through the glass window, going up stairs with an even deader face than usual. He looks at him for a long instant, until he disappears from his sight.
“We could go together, if I was the same age as him”, he thinks. He feels like Brett is both physically, and metaphorically up and far away from him. And he's going even further.
“But...”, he thinks once again, as he arrives to his classroom. “That would be just like following him”. He sits down on his bench, near the window.
The sun is clear and bright.
“What do I love about music?”, he thinks taking out his math books. The teacher begins to talk, but Eddy is not listening.
“When Brett appeared, I was able to play again”.
He bites the eraser from his pencil, as he looks absently in to the blackboard. The teacher laughs, he looks at his students with a proud smile.
“Well, seems like someone has been paying attention”, he says proudly. One of Eddy's classmates just solved a difficult problem.
Eddy knows that sensation.
He felt the same every time Brett filled his music sheet with no mistakes. If he was right, Eddy could feel his own heart racing fast. That felt better than actually nailing a note himself during a performance.
“Oh”, he whispers. “I know it!”, he screams getting up from his chair.
Everyone at the classroom, turns to look at him shocked. Then, they all start laughing.
“Do you?”, his teacher jokes. “Please tell us”, he adds gently.
Eddy feels his face turning the brightest red, as he sits down. “I’m sorry”, he mumbles as he open his book and places it on top of his head, to cover his embarrassment.
“It’s okay. Just pay more attention, please”, his teacher says firmly, before returning back to the lesson. “We just need to find the answer for the...”
Eddy looks at his teacher laughing with his students. He remembers his own music teacher's with love and affection. The lessons where the favourite times for him, even more than performing.
Yeah, maybe that's something I could do.
***
Brett looks in the window. The small recess is almost here.
Just a couple of minutes more, and I can go home. I can't do this anymore.
The clock on the wall finally rings.
Brett takes his bag and books, and leaves the classroom quietly.
“Brett”, a familiar voice calls him from behind. Brett turns quickly, to see Eddy. He watches Brett's swollen eyes and dark circles, and can't avoid feeling a extreme wave of guilt.
“Eddy...”, Brett answers with the tiniest voice, while he puts his bag on his back. “Hey”, he adds scratching his nose, and sinking his head between his shoulders.
Eddy walks closer to him. Brett keeps his head down. Please don't come near me.
“Were you leaving?”, he asks pointing at his bag.
Brett shivers. “Yes”, he whispers. “I feel a bit sick”.
I can't do this. I want to go.
“Then I see you later in your house”, Eddy says firmly. It's not a question.
“What for?”, Brett asks grumpily. No, I don't want to see you. And I don't want mom to see you, either.
Eddy's eyes opens in surprise. Oh no. Please, Brett. I can't do this anymore.
“Can I go?”, he asks with a calmer voice. “Please”, he adds trying to make eye contact.
Brett looks at the floor. He knows he has no choice but face this.
Why, Eddy?
“Your house better”, he answers turning back. “Mom is at my house today, and I don't want more questions”. He leaves Eddy standing there, not being able to answer. Just watching him going far away from him, once again. He feels like crying again, but takes a big breath, and walks back to his classroom.
I hope it's not too late.
***
Brett dreams.
He is back on the hill. This time, alone. No moon, no stars.
The wind blows softly.
Brett gets up and starts walking around to hill. He wants to go down, but as he walks and walks, it seems like the hill is getting higher and higher.
Suddenly, he hear a small laugh. He looks down, and watches Eddy standing on the bottom of the hill. A forest with big trees and full of darkness. he is standing still, with a violin on his hands.
“Eddy!”, Brett calls him trying to run in his direction. But Eddy seems to be getting further and further. He tries to call him, but Brett cannot longer hear him. “Eddy!”, he screams again. “Don’t leave me alone!”, he cries, when he suddenly stumbles and fall.
On the ground, he sees how Eddy begins to sink under the darkness of the wood. “Eddy!”, he screams...

“Brett”, his mom calls from the door of his bedroom. “It’s almost 3 o'clock”, she says entering the room. Brett open his eyes and watches the ceiling. Oh, no. It’s time. His mother sits down on the bed, placing a hand over Brett's belly.
“I’ll make you a sandwich, ok?”, she says getting up and leaving the room.
Brett sits on the bed and looks at the window. “What are you going to tell me, Eddy?”, Brett whispers to himself.
He gets up, put his sweater and glasses back, and goes downstairs.
He takes a sit on the table.
“Are you feeling better?”, her mom asks. Brett nods silently, taking a bite of his sandwich.
“Brett”, she says and sits down next to him, taking his hand. “Could you tell me what's going on?”, she asks softly.
Brett sighs, and leaves his sandwich on the table.
Well, maybe she should know anyway.
“I want to study music, mom”, Brett says looking in to his mother's eyes. “I will apply for Juilliard on the next week, and if everything goes right, I will begin next year”.
His mother remains silently, looking at him with a gentle smile. “Ok”, she answers calmly. “I’m glad you figured out finally. I will help you with everything you need”.
Brett relaxes at his answer, but his heart still aches.
“If I enter...I'll have to leave to the USA”, he mumbles. “Four years”, he adds as he plays nervously with the spoon that rests on the table.
Her mom nods. “Well, is part of growing, son”, she says letting her face rest on his hand. “It makes me happy, if that's what you want to do”. She takes a sip of coffee and adds, “But it's hard for the people who stay, isn't it?”.
Brett shakes a little. He nods quietly.
“You have found many things you love during this months, isn't it?”, she says turning to see the sun at the window.
A flash of Eddy's smile while they are playing on the classroom appears. Brett feels like crying.
“I think so”, Brett answers on a whisper, his voice cracking.
“Missing someone, it's also a sign of love”, she begins, putting down the cup of coffee. “If love is enough and love is mutual, love will wait”, she sentences. “If love is gentle and strong, it will resist and grow through distance”.
Brett looks at her with eyes full of surprise.
“Brett, darling. You have an important decision to make. You have found what everyone out there is looking for: a love, and a dream”, she pauses to take his hands. “Make sure to protect everything you have constructed. Trust the strength of what you built, and fight for what you love, ok?”, she says smiling. “That way, even if you fail, you will have the tranquillity of knowing you make everything you could to make it. And the joy of having spend your life dedicated to loving your life”.
Brett gets up from his chair. His tears are falling down his cheeks.
“Yes, mom”, he mumbles, before hugging his mother.
“Good boy”, she whispers quietly. Brett haven’t cried in a long time in front of her. Since the day her mother explained him, his father was never coming back. “Now, love. Could you please tell me since when can you play an instrument?”
***
Once again, he is standing outside Eddy's house. As the first time he entered, he is now nervous and sweaty. His eyes are still swollen, and his cheeks blushed from crying. And also, he is late.
He is about to ring the bell, when the door opens quickly.
A beautiful girl with long black hair, pale skin and the same eyes as Eddy is smiling at him.
“Are you Brett?”, she asks joyfully. This must be Belle. Brett nods in shock, not quite knowing what else to do.
“Come in!”, she says taking him by the shoulder to pull him inside gently.
Brett walks in. He is completely frightened. As he takes of his shoes, she says something about him and how good he looks, but he can't understands it quiet well. His mind is a bit numb from fear. His hands are shaking.
“Eddy is waiting for you” she says patting him softly on the back. Oh, so the 'touching' thing comes from the family, uh?, Brett thinks.
On that moment, Eddy enters in the living room. He is wearing black pants and the grey shirt he was wearing at the morning. His hair as always, it's a mess.
Brett fights a wave of heat on his heart.
“Hi”, he waves shyly. “Come on, let's go to my room”, he says before turning around and going upstairs.
Brett bows at Belle, and is about to follow Eddy upstairs. “Good luck”, Belle whispers, making Brett raise his eyebrow in confusion. When he looks at her, she just winks.
What's going on?