HIDDEN (Hide Or Die)

Chapter 5

KYLE'S P.O.V.

“What did you just say?” her voice was barely above a whisper. Surprise was itched on her face, her eyes elsewhere, as if she couldn’t comprehend. Her whole stance appeared to be stoned.

“Mom?” nerves waved through my body as I anticipated her next move. Her reaction wasn’t at all what I had expected. I thought she’d at least yell, and for a second I wished she would. Anything but silence. My voice seemed to pull her back to the now, as her eyes snapped towards me with a look filled with confusion and betrayal.

“How could you, Kyle? How could you request the one thing I dedicated my whole youth for?” the low, shallow, volume of her voice hurts me more, and I wish she’d yell at me instead. I hated the evident disappointment that laced her voice. But, she was right.

She got me at twenty-two. Freshly out of university. And ever since then all she did was ensure my safety and wellbeing. She sacrificed her dreams for me. Settling for whatever job she could hold on onto as the source of our income. Let go of her family, her friends –cutting them off – because she couldn’t trust them. Forgot all about love—she fought herself against it, because of me. And here I was, suggesting what could potentially get me killed.

“Mommy, just hear me out—”

“Hear out what? Kyle? What could going to school means except for your doom?!” stress got to her, and her voice arose.

I tried not to flinch at the sudden change at the sudden loudness against my sensitive ears and kept myself composed. I didn’t want to accidentally raise my voice as well and turn this to a yelling match. This was yet to be over.

“Everything Mom! Just let me explain why this would fix all our problems!”

She deflated, still a bit on the fence about it, but, she agreed to listen nonetheless. “Alright. Let’s clean this mess up and talk in the living room.”

It almost sounded like a question but I nodded anyway, and begun collecting the cutlery and the plates, Mom moved towards the sink to wash and load them away in the dishwasher. We worked in silence; Ma probably thinking about what had gotten into me, and me trying to come up with new ways this conversation could go, and answers for questions that were quite predictable for Mom to have, absentmindedly wiping down the counter we had eaten on.

Once we were done, I suggested making tea, to buy myself more time, and sent Ma to the living room. I quickly put the kettle on, and got her favorite mug, a classic white with pink rims. And another for me then added honey and peach tea extract into both. Adding a bit more sweetener into mine. I let off my anxiety in forms of breaths, as I took the mugs and myself to the living room, to have a conversation that might just change my life.

“I’m not mad, Kyle. I’m just confused and concerned.” Mom disclosed after we sat in silence for the past few minutes. That’s good, it was something I was glad to hear. I don’t want to make her mad. And once I explained she wouldn’t be any more confused. And hopefully, her concerns would disappear too.

“Yes Mom, I know. I… uh I can’t stay hidden forever… I understand what you did for me, I really do and I appreciate it. You’re the best mother I could have. But,” I raised my hand slightly when she wanted to interject. “But, me being kept as a secret is affecting you as well. It always had. But only now am I in a position where I can fix it. If I were to attend school; I could have the friends and interactions I always selfishly dreamt of. I can learn to take better care of myself and you as well. If I was finally out; you wouldn’t have to reject Sam. I know you love him Mom, more than you let on. And I really don’t want to see you hurt. Ever since he came along you’ve been smiling more and you seem happier and I really, really don’t want to deprive you of that…”