Remember Me

2018. 12. 14 / 2020. 12.19

Today is 2018. 12. 14. 

I decided to start writing a secret diary on my laptop (and Eddy Chen, if you ever break the password to this folder, stop reading it right now. This is a private place!). Here, I will record everything that happened each day. If I lose my memory entirely, this diary might help me. 

I went to the hospital today. I learned what was wrong with me. 

My brain is dying. 

The doctor said the most recent memories will begin to fade out first. Then the old memories. Then everything entirely. Only some old habits will be left - I wish this include playing the violin but with the shakiness in my hands, I don't think I can play anything in tune. 

Eddy was next to me when I heard the diagnosis. I honestly thought he would break down and cry right then and there but he didn't. He was calm, calmer than me actually. 

"We will go through this together," that's what he said. "You don't need to remember a thing. I will remember everything for you, all about you and around you. So just follow me Brett, and trust me." 

Brett, the man beside you is Eddy. He loves you and you love him very much. There is no word to describe how much he means to you. Just please don't forget him. Please don't. 

***

Brett woke up, feeling like he has been sleeping for days. He stared at Eddy softly snoring next to him, his hand gently holding Brett's. Oh fuck, how much time has passed? There was no way to know. 

Brett rolled out of bed, confused and scared. His feet touched the cold floor and everything came into a sharp focus - their room, the ceiling, the darkness out the window, and Eddy. Sensing Brett rustling beside him, Eddy woke up, rubbing his eyes. 

"Brett?" Eddy called. 

When Eddy met Brett's wide clear eyes, he immediately knew this was the rare moment when Brett has returned. Eddy jolted up, his heart pounding and his eyes filling up with tears uncontrollably. 

"Oh my gosh, Brett, is...that really you?" 

Brett slowly nodded, yes. Brett tiptoed backward until his back touched the wall. 

"Brett, I missed you so much. You have been gone for a week this time," Eddy cried, rushing to Brett and hugging his small body in his arms. Brett trembled inside him, his teeth chattering as if he was frozen for weeks. 

"I love you," Eddy whispered. 

"I....Eddy........" Brett shut his eyes tight. 

"What's the matter?" 

"Eddy-I...I need to go," Brett stammered, freeing himself from Eddy's arms. 

"Where?" Eddy asked, puzzled.

"Please, Eddy. I can't stay. I need to go, now," Brett resisted Eddy's firm grip and ran out the door. His face was contorted with guilt. 

"Brett!" 

Eddy followed Brett as he stumbled out to the front door. Brett ran out to the dark street, fumbling his pocket to find his cellphone. He needed to call. He needed to call and - 

why does he need to call? And where?

Brett's hands started to shake as he stared at the screen blankly. The memory was fading. 

No, please, no. 

"Brett, you can't just run off like that," Eddy panted as he grabbed Brett, pulling him into a hug again. 

Brett looked up at Eddy, his eyes starting to glaze. 

"Eddy," Brett whispered.

"Yes, baby?"

What was I trying to do? 

Brett shook his head to remember but his mind felt like a blank sheet of paper again. Nothing made sense anymore. So he focused on Eddy, only Eddy because that's what it mattered most now. 

"I'm sorry...I...I forgot," Brett hugged Eddy back, confused. However, he knew that the man standing beside him was the compass that will always lead him back to where he belonged.

"That happens," Eddy patted Brett's head, calming him down.

"Eddy, I'm dying," Brett choked out the words, biting his tongue to stop himself from crying. "This is too much for me and this is too much for you too. I cannot let you waste your time in something ... like me. I will forget everything, I will lose all my control, I will disgust you and-"

"Shh...Brett, I'm staying here. Don't worry about a thing. Remember what I said two years ago? You just need to trust me."

Brett sighed as he leaned toward Eddy, listening to the steady rhythm of his lover's heartbeat. 

"I trust you," Brett nuzzled his head into Eddy's neck. "And I love you."

"I love you too, Brett Yang," Eddy kissed Brett, his Brett, and this was the moment that made everything worth it. 

************

-eykim28