I have been afraid to touch these for four years straight. Been carrying it like a burden to four different locations and I stare and refuse to open because I don't want to face my biggest fears. I packed it with my things for 4 different moves. I feel helpless. My hands are cold. My body feels numb. Maybe that's just the drugs talking. I wanted to feel nothing. And I wanted to feel everything at the same time. I've reached my maximum calamity capacity. My head is spinning. I want to throw up. I can't move because my clouded thoughts are fucked up. I want you to hold me and tell me it's ok. I want to feel your warmth and your acceptance without feeling like I'm selling myself short. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I smell you like you're next to me but you're nowhere near me. Help me please. I'm drowning in lies. I'm afraid you'll leave me. And I'm afraid I'll leave you. Please don't hate me. Please don't think I'm a freak. I only wanted to be ok. Even thought I know that I'm weak. My dad doesn't want me. He never did. I thought I could forgiving until now. I hurt my mom by being born. I hurt my dad by being alive. I want to stop begging for love. My parents don't knjw what to do. My burden is heavy. My time is running up. I hurt. I hurt. He gave me this fear
I'm sorry I was triggered by you. I'm sorry for being here. He took advantage of me and raped me and never even said sorry. The time I thought he would apologize is the time he basically reminded me that I'm still at fault. Like my father reminds me every day. I hate god because of them. I'm suffering. I try to be ok with you but there are times like this where I can't control it. I can't understand why I'm still broken. I thought I was better. I thought I had it under control. I think that I can be better. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to move forward. But my heart still hurts and my body. I'm at the point I never thought would
happen but it did. Alex I'm scared to do anything with you because
I'm scared of this. I'm scared that I'm just being used. I'm scared that you'll hurt me. I'm scared that I've been too hurt to come to you like I'm still good enough. I'm damaged and used. Even though I tried to fight it. He still forced it. I'm scared and I hurt. He did things to me that hurt. Not by taking my virginity but the next best thing in the eyes of men. I'm scared. I feel degraded. I feel disgusts and used. Angry and hurt. I had problems after that and had to go to the ER and no one knew why. It gave me problems and got me sick. No one knows and they never will. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be afraid. I want to love and be loved a proper way. I want to be wanted and I want to be accepted. I want to forget and be happy . But I guess that will never be. I hope my family is ok. I hope my family finds peace. I hope I don't continued to suffer the sins of my father anymore. I'm tired and I'm nauseated. I want to eat dirt. I want a hug. And to maybe feel like I'm worth it. I'm sad I'm cold
I'm tired
I'm lonely
I wish I could stop crying. I wish I could stop hurting. I wish my memory would fade. I wish I could love you without getting you involved in my traumas. I wish I didn't have to drag you along. I try to keep things to myself. I'm sorry for everything. I'm a really terrible person. Please forgive me for not being your best. I have too much issues to hide them all. I hope god heals Me. I feel bad about myself. I looked in the mirror to see failure. I looked all week and saw idiot. I saw naive and stupid. I saw, you deserved it you slut for looking so provocative. I saw many nights crying. I saw my mother's broken heart and her sobs of pain. Over a man that broke her heart like mine continues to break. Piece my piece and I'm Left with nothing. Maybe this is why I'm ruining our relationship. I hope you'll someday want to talk to me and let me cry my heart out. I love you today and yesterday and hopefully tomorrow. I hope I can be ok for you. And for my future. I hope my parents can find love and happiness. I hope my mom can be ok and feel loved too. I understand her pain too well. And I shouldn't have to. But it's my fault. So it is. I hope you'll still be nice to me. I don't want you to think I'm psychotic and unstable and a mess to fix. I don't want to be charity work. I want to be normal and have a normal childhood and teenagehood and now adulthood but I feel so different from the rest. I hope you'll be ok with me. I don't know what to do. I'm passing out now. Don't hate me. Don't be grossed by me
Please don't be embarrassed by me I'm trying my best I just hurt
A lot more than I thought
