The Way We Feel

Chapter 1

The wind tousles my long hair as I ride my bike through the city, where I'll meet Meryem. She texted me and said she wanted to go shopping with me, before she would leave for a week to go visit her grandparents in Morocco. I have taken the longer route, just so I can enjoy the sight more.

We meet inside a store, where we look for a couple of clothes and eventually I end up buying a couple for myself. Something casual. I counsel her on what I would wear and we spend at least an hour inside, before we head out into the cold air. We drink a little and chat about our daily lives, before we start to talk about our plans for the holidays.

"Are you going back to Paris?"

"Not yet, I'm definitely staying here for Christmas. At least up until New Year." I say.

The year of 2017 arrived and I'm still in Orleans. It's Mai, six months went by and I haven't thought of going back to Paris. My life here is good. I'm living as my old me, teenage Lola. She doesn't have a job and still sleeps with the old bunny plushie on her bed next to her. Her mother still does her hair and puts it in cute braids, she even watches her old favorite tv shows on Netflix and feeds the canary, that sometimes keeps her awake in the middle of the night. It's as if there was nothing before this life. I'm not gonna lie, I miss Paris. My friends, my job and the woman I became there.

My mother and I have a brunch on the balcony, where she smokes her first cigarette for today.

"Wasn't your New Year's resolution to stop smoking?" My resolutions are to improve myself and become more confident. I also wanna leave my past mistakes behind, so I can focus on having a better future.

"I said it five years ago and I still can't stop. I'm trying." She puffs out the smoke after speaking. "How are you? You look way better than the day you arrived."

"I'm definitely better maman. This might sound sudden, but I think I'm even ready to go back to Paris early next year."

"Really? Just when I started getting used to having my baby around again?"

"Maman..." I laughingly shake my head.

"I know the breakup was hard for you, I remember those nights you cried yourself to sleep." She recalls and my heart aches. "But I want you to feel better and go back to Paris, it's just, that I'm gonna miss you." She sulks, even if it's just for a short amount of time. "Are you really ready for it or do you just wanna get away because we baby you too much?"

"Both. You do baby me a lot though, even Timmy could t stand it anymore."

"Your brother wanted to go to military ever since he was little anyway." She shrugs.

"No seriously, I enjoy being here, but I wanna work. Live my own life as an independent adult. My dream was always to live in Paris and I don't wanna give it up."

"I know. I just want the best for you. If going back right now or even in a year is the best for you, then so be it. Just remember, that you always have a place to go back to." Her words are warm and thoughtful, I'm definitely going to miss my life here. My old friends, especially Meryem. Of course our canary Benjamin.

"I appreciate maman, I'm definitely coming back to visit you guys."

She looks at me and tilts her head, "Dont cut your hair this time yeah? I think long hair suits you." Her fingers brush my hair behind my shoulder.

I've usually never kept my hair this long, it's already past my shoulders.

"If you say so. I might try something you."

Late at night I read a book, before I go to bed. Practically I delve in it, almost forgetting, that I wanna go to sleep. If reality isn't fun I tend to hide in novels.