The Way We Feel

Chapter 7

I stare at the same page for approximately ten minutes, and soon imagine how the letters start to move, just to spell the name Adrien. It's as if I am trapped in some sort of movie, which I don't know if it's at the beginning or end.

Knowing, that I've broken my own promise, to never see him again, I try to burry my guilt with a glass of scotch, the one that Denis left which was a present from his father. I know I shouldn't be drinking to feel better, but the book I'm reading isn't doing its work.

Just as I want to call Denis, his name pops up on my phone and I immediately pick up.

"Hey." He sounds out of breath.

"Are you working out?"

"Yeah, I'm at the gym, trying to get my body from last year back."

Not noticing how good his physique is, indicates, that I barely analyzed him good enough back then. I always tried to keep it as platonic as possible between us, and I was kind of scared to gawk at him like a hungry dog.

"Can I see you later? I miss you already." I sulk.

"I don't know when I'll finish."

"Oh." Is all I'm able to say.

"Sorry, but I promise I'll see you tomorrow."

"You said that yesterday." He notices how I'm trying to conceal the disappointment in my voice.

"I know, but this time I promise I will."

"Okay, I don't wanna interrupt your work out. See you tomorrow."

"I promise," he exhales, "tomorrow."

"Yeah, bye Denis."

"Bye babe."

I hang up hesitantly and sigh, hoping that he will keep his promise unlike me.

Very late in the night, I watch TV, having a hard time focusing. Vicky isn't home yet, as she's probably spending time with her boyfriend. I don't wanna sound selfish, but I miss spending time with my friend and I know that's probably what she felt when I was with Adrien. Maybe that's the infamous karma, that everyone talks about.

I could try to text her and ask her when she gets home, but I bet they're in the middle of having sex, while I bum around and browse channels, not even staying on one for more than five seconds.

It's been ages since I've had sex and I never really thought much about it, since I had plenty of that with Adrien. Now after getting into a real relationship, I thought I'm going to be more sexually active again. I wasn't concerned of it in the slightest way. Fast forward, Denis and I are four months into our relationship, yet we've never gotten past making out. I haven't even gotten undressed in front of him. This is embarrassing not only for me, but also for him. I want it to change, but I just can't get my body to allow it.

Why was it possible for me to do it with Adrien, but not with Denis? Both of them are attractive. Denis was my friend, but that shouldn't stop me from being sexually attracted to him should it? I used to have a friend in middle school who I was sexually attracted to, so what is the problem?

Denis is so sweet to me, he always takes care of me and makes sure I'm happy. While Adrien only cared about pleasuring me, making me feel good at that moment. Denis on the other hand, he makes me smile even after being with him. He texts me cute emojis and makes jokes that are sometimes corny, but they make me laugh. But Adrien, he... knew what I liked whenever he touched me. He touched me in places I never knew I could feel something so strong. On my breasts, my stomach, my thighs... since when did my hand slip between my legs? I'm rubbing myself slowly on my most sensitive spot. I feel it coming, I'm so close. It's almost there. It's there.

"Adrien-" I whisper as the moment finally overwhelms me.

Adrien?! What the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck am I masturbating while thinking about a man other than my boyfriend. And on top of that someone who I had a sexual relationship with? I moved on from him, he is history. Not part of my life anymore.

I get up and quickly change into a shirt and shorts, turn on my notebook and put a random movie on just to get any ridiculous thoughts out of my head. Fortunately I drift to sleep in the matter of minutes.

The next day is bright and the sun is shining through the thick sheer curtains. I wake up, feeling as if I shut my eyes for a couple of seconds. If I hadn't accidentally touched my phone's display as I was stretching in my bed, I wouldn't have seen the missed calls from Denis.

I irritatingly and also kind of nervously call him back, glaring at the clock. It's eleven a.m.

"Hey you're awake?"

"Yeah, what's up with the spam calls?" I question and yawn into the microphone. He chuckles a bit before assuring me, that nothing happened.

"I was just trying to wake you up. Aren't you working today?"

"My shift starts a little later today." I pause for a second. "So... are we seeing each other?"

"Yes, I took some time off for you."

I proceed to smile and already suggest what we could do, since the weather seems to be nice, judged by the bright sun.

"How about we go visit my family?"

As he says those words, my face almost goes pale. Noticing that I've become silent, he continues to speak.

"They told me that they'd love to meet you-"

"Denis," I'm certain that I don't feel ready meeting his family. Sure I was willing to meet Adrien's family, even though we weren't in a relationship, but that's exactly why I don't want to do it anymore. I don't wanna make the same mistakes. "Are you sure?" My voice goes an octave higher and I nervously bite on my nails.

"Of course you don't have to, but I thought that if we move to San Francisco-" repeatedly, I cut him off, this time with an acted cough.

I don't know at what pace a couple is normally supposed to move, but I don't know if I am willing to take this step with him so fast. I really care about him, but I'm trying to build my own life at the moment. This whole San Francisco thing is making me anxious.

"Don't you want to?"

"I still haven't thought that much about it. Let's wait a little okay?"

"How long should I wait?" I'm briefly silent.

"Denis, you love me don't you?"

"Yes, I do Lola. I really do." I can hear the bursting enthusiasm in his voice and smile.

"Then it's worth waiting."