The Way We Feel

Chapter 10

Blue, green, pink, yellow. It slowly falls down like snow on the ground, and I turn the globe around once again. The same show of color plays and I now realize how much time I've spend with this object, as if I don't have a pile of paper in front of me.

I have plenty of chapters to read and correct, they're basically waiting for me to finish them.

Maybe if I wouldn't think too much about what happened yesterday, I wouldn't be stuck like this.

There's still a text message from Adrien waiting for me to read it. I didn't dare to look at it, but I think now is the time.

Adrien: I love you

It's crazy how comfortable and confident he got with this. It used to be me, who made the effort to remind him that I loved him and now it's the other way around. Shouldn't I be happy? This is all I wanted. No, I wanted this when he could've had me, now it's too late and I refuse to let this change my mind about him.

Me: We should end this.

I put my phone away and stare at it as it blows up with messages.

I can't do this, not to Denis. He loves me.

My phone rings and I see that he is calling me, and if I wasn't a coward I'd tell him that we need to talk.

"Denis." I say.

"Hey babe. Wanna hang out today? I got time." I play with a pencil and occasionally scribble down a few shapes on a sheet.

"Of course, I missed you."

"You did?"

Yes I did. I was busy thinking of how much I wanted to see him. After I had sex with Adrien.

"Mhm." My tone changes.

What have I done? Especially to him.

"I missed you too, I thought you were still mad at me. Don't laugh, but I thought you wanted to break up with me, because you didn't reply to my messages."

"Why would I?" I scoff.

"I wanted to put your bed together even with my broken hand." He slightly giggles. "Do you still need help?"

"N-no." I take a very deep breath. "Vicky and I put it together, thanks though."

"Hm. Weird."

"Why?"

"I called her and asked her where you went, she said you guys didn't hang out that day." He says and I feel like I've been thrown naked into cold water.

"Um.. she.." I stummer. "Did I say Vicky? I meant Veronica."

"Who's Veronica?"

"A colleague." I lie further. "Why would you even ask her? It's not like I wouldn't reach out to you."

"Because I was worried."

"About what?"

"That you didn't wanna see me again."

"Or you thought I was with another guy didn't you?" I wasn't really good at keeping my mouth shut, unfortunately this could be my undoing.

"What? No! I was just- you know what?" He sighs. "This is getting ridiculous."

"I'm sorry Denis. I didn't mean to."

"This is why I keep thinking you don't want me anymore. First you don't want me to touch you, then you constantly pick fights with me for the most trivial reasons, then you don't even answer my texts..." he counts and I get smaller with every point he makes.

"I don't wanna break up with you."

"Then don't make me believe that you want to. I love you Lola, being with you was all I ever wanted and the last thing I want is to ruin it with you. Of course I trust you, I didn't call you because I thought you were with another guy."

I wanna disappear in thin air, fall inside a hole which would close and I would be wherever, just not here right now.

"I love you too." I force myself to say.

"Can I see you today?"

"I don't know if it will work today, I got a lot of things to do."

"It's okay, we'll find another day when both of us will have time."

"We will." I say and feel how close I am to crying.

"See you then. I love you Lola."

"Love you too. Bye."

I'm mad at myself and at Adrien for being so damn hard to resist. Why am I so stupid and easy to seduce, by a man who treated me like a toy? Why am I always making things so complicated for myself?

Adrien: can I see you today?

Adrien: please give me another chance

Adrien: Lola what did I do wrong? Please tell me I'll do better

Me: STOP TEXTING ME

Adrien: Let me call you then

Me: No

Adrien: I'm sorry for whatever I've done

Adrien: at least tell me what made you change your mind??

Me: I never made up my mind in the first place

Adrien: But what's with this sudden outburst?

Me: I'm so confused and disgusted by myself Adrien. I'm a cheater. I cheated on my boyfriend, I'm a fucking asshole. I should've never done it or thought about it. It wasn't planned at all, I didn't call you to fuck you, but I was desperate and in no way am I trying to justify my mistakes, I would never do that again.

Adrien: okay

Me: I really hope you understand, cause if that was the other way around you'd be upset.

Adrien: I would

Adrien: it's not like it would ever be the other way around anyway, I don't even have a shot with you anymore

Me: maybe that's how things are supposed to be

Adrien: Can't believe my worst nightmare is actually coming true, but maybe I have to come to terms with the fact that you stopped loving me a long time ago....

My heart almost drops in reaction of his words, and although they're written, it's as if I can hear him say them.

Me: if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't have read your letters.

Adrien: does it mean you care about me?

Me: duh

Me: I do and I don't think I can just stop

Me: I wish it was that easy

This is what I needed to get off my chest, telling him that I still care about him. Not only did I have to admit it to Adrien, but also to myself. I lied to myself in order to make it easier to forget him, but it never worked.

It feels like everything I'm doing, is constantly a lie to myself. Am I actually dating Denis, because I fell in love with with him or is it because I'm trying to get over Adrien?

I wanna take this moment to thank every single one of you guys who are still reading from the bottom of my heart. I know things are rough right now and the current situation we're in at the moment is horrifying. I'm basically isolating myself at home and trying to make this time bearable by writing more. Hope you guys stay healthy and safe, love you X