The Way We Feel

Chapter 5

"Lola." I hear as I come running from the stairwell into the event. Denis looks at me in a confused manner.

"Hey, sorry for disappearing."

"It's okay, you're alright aren't you?" I nod.

"Babe," from the corner of my eye I can see Adrien glaring over to us, Denis doesn't see him though. "I have a headache, I think I need some rest."

"You're leaving now?"

"I'm really sorry, I thought I could ignore it, but it got really worse." I theatrically place my fingers on my temple.

"Sure, Imll drop you off okay?" I nod my head and look at Adrien one last time before we leave.

At home, he kisses me and tugs me in, making sure I'm alright. I can't help but bring up San Francisco again, but he tells me to forget about it for now as he doesn't want my headache to get worse.

"We'll talk about it another time."

"Okay."

"Love you." He places a kiss on my forehead and looks at me once more before leaving for his exhibition.

Seeing Adrien tonight was just too much for me, too much to take. I wish I would've just left him in my imagination I have created through his letters, seeing him now is way different from picturing him.

I wish I could've told my boyfriend about it and not left him on this important day, but I also didn't want him to see me in an emotional state. Still sensitive over Adrien, even though I assured him, that I'm completely over him.

The woman in front of me crosses her legs and observes me carefully, as I fidget with the hem of my shirt. I'm usually very relaxed when I'm with her, but today feels like I am being haunted by insanity.

"I'm constantly worrying about my relationship. I thought I was ready getting into one and I'm honestly liking it, but I don't trust myself enough to have a stable relationship yet."

"Why?" She sits up and looks at me through her thick glasses. Vicky swears my relationship with Denis is the most perfect one she has ever seen. I thought that too, but I'm slowly noticing some things, that could make it harder for us.

"He started talking about wanting to move to San Francisco. "

"With you?" I nod. "He wants me to move with him, but I don't know if I really can. I'm just starting to build my life here in Paris, I can't see myself moving to another country just like that."

"Are you scared Lola?"

"Kind of. I'm scared of taking this big step, I'm not sure if I'm ready or not. This is so confusing."

"Is there something else that is bothering you in the relationship, or why are you scared?"

"Yes actually there is-" I cut myself off as I notice my mind trailing off to one of my biggest concerns about our relationship.

"What?"

"We never have sex."

"Because he doesn't want to or you?"

"Because I can't do it."

"Can you explain it to me Lola?" I take a deep breath and try to put my thoughts into words.

"Every time we try to be intimate my body just freezes. I can't even be naked in front of him, I'm not comfortable with that. I saw him naked before, but it doesn't turn me on. Not even when we kiss, I don't feel that arousal or any sort of thing. I almost feel so dis- not disgusted..." I shake my head. "I feel so weird having him touch me like that and the idea of having sex with him is so..."