The Way We Feel

Chapter 3

I reach out under my bed and grab the letters, that have stacked up over the time I was gone. All from one man who hasn't gotten the memo, that I want him out of my life. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to read them, but now that time has passed I'm emotionally prepared to endure this. The paper in my hands shakes uncontrollably, and I haven't even read the first sentence.

Dear Lola,

How are you? I know I'm the last person you want to know of, after I screwed over your life. I just wanted to know how you've been. Weeks passed ever since I last saw you. To me it feels like an eternity and I miss every single day of not hearing your voice, smelling you and feeling your skin. I'm not expecting an answer from you and you'll probably destroy this letter as soon as you know who wrote it, but I'm also kind of writing this as a form of coping with the fact, that you hate me. That I no longer will be able to call you mine. I guess you never were and I was just deluding myself. I shouldn't have taken ownership over you. I wanted you as something I could play with, but never with your feelings. At the end, I also played with my own feelings. I kept telling myself over again, that I'm not able to love you. Or anyone else. I'm a miserable person, but I'm not asking for your pity. I know you said you understand me, but I don't want you to try to understand the fucked up person I am. I also don't want you to accept it. I'm learning from my biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Letting you go was indeed the biggest mistake I have ever made. I let go of something that was finally making me happy in my life, I thought all I needed was sex and satisfaction for my sexual fantasies. I was wrong. So wrong. I met the most beautiful woman, who has taught me to face my fears. I have met the most patient woman, you were really patient despite me being an asshole. I was an asshole to you. You were so unbelievably good to me, that I was so confused about how someone like you could like me. Well, now to the main reason, why I'm writing you this letter. Lola Montgomery, I love you. I loved you probably before you loved me and I still love you even though you hate me. It was hard for me to think about this, loving someone other than my mother and sisters and brothers and father.... loving you. It was hard for me to think about it, but it was easy for me to fall in love with you. Too easy. I was scared. Who did I become? Not the Adrien Coste I was trying to be. I wanted to be desired and untouchable, but I became a jerk. You still desired me and I didn't deserve it. The Adrien from the past didn't. You probably think, you can't change a man. No person can ever change someone. I changed. Not because you changed me, but because you made me realize, that I had to change. You made me want to change, I'm still at the process of changing. I'm learning everyday looking at the past relationship I had with you. I learned so much from you and I want to thank you for that. Thank you for everything Lola. I really hope to see you some day when you're ready. I would even wait a century if this is what it takes to see you again. With seeing you, I mean you wanting to see me, not me running into you. I hope you feel better now. Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Next year should be way better than this, that's what you deserve. I love you Lola.

-Adrien.

A tear drop falls on the paper in my hand. I reread the part in which he says he loves me and cry even harder. I don't even know what to feel. Am I still mad at him? I told him I hated him, but that wasn't true. He thinks I hate him now. Why did he have to rile up my emotions all over again? Too many words I have just read twirl inside my head like a tornado. Love, hate, regret, sadness. All this in just one letter. I can't proceed with the other ones spread across my bed. Instead of that, I decide to put them back and leave them there for another while.

Denis: hey babe I'm coming to pick you up for lunch!

Me: alright see you then ly :)