Park Bench (Prinxiety AU)

Chapter 11 - Virgil

October 29

     It was morning when I stood, staring in the mirror, my tired eyes staring into themselves. They looked so dull. So bleak. Ugly. I believed it.

     By that night, however, I truly believed the opposite. When I was at home, I looked in the mirror, and it was like I wasn't even looking at me. I was looking at someone who was living and breathing. My eyes sparkled in this way that I had never seen. And it was all because of Roman.

     He looked at me in a way that I'd never been looked at before. Not to mention how it felt to be hugged by him, and when he kissed my forehead... I was in bliss. That's the only word that came to mind when I thought of him. I hugged his sweater to my chest and laid on my bed. Sure, I was acting like a love-struck teenager, but can you blame me? I had someone who really seemed to care about me.

     Seemed to.

     That's when the nervous thoughts kicked in, of course. Of course. Because how could I, even for a second, truly believe that someone cared about me? That Roman cared about me? He radiated that whole closest-thing-to-a-god-you'll-ever-meet energy and I radiated, well, anxiety. Quiet me, awkward me, in the arms of Roman? Ha. I forced him to hug me. Like a horrible person. Like I always was. I wished I had his number, so I could apologize for being such a nuisance. For forcing him to be around me every day. Part of me just wished he'd get bored of me soon.

     Simultaneously holding up both your hopes and your guard can get so tiring, so I honestly wished he'd just let me down already. At least if he knocked me down, I'd be on the ground, where I could pick up the pieces of me I was always dropping, or maybe even follow their trail back to a time when being happy wasn't such a chore.

----------

October 30

     After dinner, Patton left to go out to a friend's house. He had begged for me to come with him because 'if you spend too much time tearing yourself apart and sitting in your own salt, you might just be a french fry,' as he worded it. I still refused. He was sad, but he got over it, and he tossed me a cookie before he left. It was comforting that he was starting to get used to my personality. Our routines were finally fitting together. We were actually kind of roommates, instead of just me living in his spare room. We really were friends again.

     When the door shut behind him, I stood up and walked to the window. I watched from behind a curtain while he hopped into his car and drove away. Call it anxiety, or paranoia--ugh--or just over-the-top, but I always did this. I couldn't feel comfortable about being alone in the house unless I could guarantee that I really was alone. It was still light out, only 4:30.

     It was time for me to go. If Roman was there, I didn't want to keep him waiting. I grabbed my keys, threw on Roman's sweater, and left in a rush. As I made my way up the street, I was reminded of how cold it was getting outside. I had to zip up my sweater under Roman's.

     When I got there, Roman was already sitting. He was exhaling heavily through his mouth, trying to see his breath, and I sat down beside him silently while I watched. After a moment, he stopped and looked at me. "Hi," he whispered. I nodded and smiled. Suddenly, what he had said before about me being 'worryingly quiet' popped into my head.

     "Hey," I said. Maybe too loud. Who knows.

     "Hi," he whispered again. I sighed.

     "Hi."

     "Hi."

     "No, I'm done," I said, trying not to laugh at how childish we were. He didn't even try to hide it, his face broke into this huge grin and he leaned back on the bench.

     "Fine," he sighed, mocking disappointment, but his smile didn't falter. "What did you do today? Wait, don't tell me! You sat on the couch all day, right?" He smiled even wider when I refused to answer. "I'm totally right."

     "You're always right."

     "I know."

     I did find myself being extra nice to him. Truthfully, I was compensating for what had happened between us. I felt so guilty, like I had forced him to do what he did for me. It was a ridiculous thing to blame myself for. I knew that. Blaming myself for things was just a specialty of mine. There was always something I did wrong.

     We talked for our regular amount of time, about our regular topics, without bringing up my emotional melt the day before. Sadly, we brought up something worse.

     "I guess we won't see each other tomorrow," he said. I looked away, focussing on the ruffling of the trees in the wind.

     "Guess not," I mumbled. He gently nudged me with his elbow. We were sitting strangely close together.

     "No big deal, though! I mean, we'll see each other the next day, and-"

     "Stop talking." I don't know why I said it, or why I said it so rudely, but I couldn't handle it. I loved his voice, but not when it was talking about the future. I wanted to be here now, I couldn't have cared less where we'd be in two days.

     "I'm... sorry," he said. He sounded hurt, and rightfully so. "Did I do something?" he asked.

     I felt so guilty. Again. "No," I said. "I'm just, um, nervous. About tomorrow. I don't like parties." I chose my words as carefully as I could, knowing I had to leave out how much easier it would be if he was there with me. I didn't want to blame him for me being anxious. It wasn't his job to comfort me, and after before, I never wanted to make him feel like it was.

     "Oh, right." We were quiet for a moment, so I looked at him. He was sort of lost in thought. His eyes were scanning the empty park and he was playing with the sleeve of his jacket. "Well," he said, louder now, "I know you enough to tell you that you'll be just fine. And if not, I'm sure you can just leave the party, can't you?" I shrugged and nodded, even though it was only half true. Yeah, I could go to my room, but even then I'd be so terrified of someone walking in. Or of disappointing Patton, after all of the work he put in to make sure we'd all have fun.

     The sun was completely down and Roman was starting to shiver. He clearly didn't handle the cold very well, especially when I was wearing his very warm sweater. Before I could offer it to him, he decided to go home.

     "Would you like to walk me?" he asked.

     "Duh."

----------

     "I'll see you tomo- er, Sunday," Roman said when we reached his door. I nodded sadly and turned to leave, when he grabbed my arm. I froze and looked up at him. "What, no hug today?"

     I laughed and leaned in to give him a quick hug, which turned into a long hug, before I left him there. When I turned around, already walking down the street, he was watching me go. I raised my hand to wave. He did the same.

     It was like I was being waved off as I boarded a boat headed straight into war.