healing is not linear - A Memoir by Frances Edelstein

Chapter 1: Young & Not Hospitalized

Trigger warnings: self-deprecation, negative body image, disordered eating/exercise habits

I didn't always hate the way I looked—it's not one of those things that happen magically when you are born. There was a slow progression over time, small comments from others or myself about my body, things that seemed so miniscule at first, that eventually all lead to my complete downfall regarding body image.

I don't particularly remember being self-conscious about my body in pre-K and elementary school, I even used to wear short skirts and bikinis without giving it a second thought. It wasn't until people started saying things to me and I started comparing myself to others when I started to have self-esteem issues regarding my weight and looks.

The first memories I have of being self-critical about my weight was in middle school. It's not really surprising to think about this, since many people talk about their struggles in middle school, and I am no different. Middle school is when people start to look for their true selves and discover who they are. With this, comes many personal challenges. When a young kid is starting to learn about themselves, one way they may do this is comparing and contrasting themselves to the people around them. This could be things like, "she's so pretty and skinny, but I'm nit as popular as her. I must be ugly" or "they're such an outcast, I have to stay away from them." It is in this way that middle-schoolers become meaner to one another, and by doing this, they become meaner to themselves. They strive to be the best, and fear the worst. If they don't think they themselves are good enough, they may catastrophize it into assuming they are the ugliest, most annoying, person in the world. People start to bully the ugly, fat, and annoying kids, and through this, people are afraid of themselves. They are afraid they aren't up to par, and even if they aren't bullied by others, in a way they start to be their own bullies, which is how I was. Not everyone has to be bullied to have low self-esteem. Sly comments and feeling ignored are enough.

One example of a comment someone made to me during this time was the girl mentioning to me that she had a thigh gap, which basically is if you put your feet together, your thighs don't touch. She continued to say that this meant she was skinny. (It wasn't until later I found out that this could be a result of how your bones are structured and how wide your hips are, not just weight.) I put my feet together, and said that I didn't have one. The girl didn't say anything back, but I assumed it meant I wasn't as skinny as her. As I reflect on this, I realize that many times, when people say they are skinny, they don't mention if they are healthy or happy with their weight. When I was younger, at least, skinny was a synonym for pretty; if you weren't skinny, you weren't as pretty. No one directly said this, but saying someone wasn't skinny was insinuating that they also weren't pretty. This example happened a couple of times with different people; girls saying they could see their collarbones or had pointy shoulders, and said it's only something skinny people have. The way they said it made it seem like being skinny was a special club, and I knew I wasn't part of it. I was never overweight, per se, the doctors told me I was, but didn't factor in my height (I was taller than a good amount of girls at the time). This really hurt my self-esteem; in my mind, if a doctor said I was fat, then I had to be. Being older I realize that doctors are not gods, and although they should be respected and definitely consulted (I am not anti-medicine), it is definitely valid to get a second opinion if you feel it is necessary. Doctors are humans too, and sometimes their own personal feelings can get in the way (more on this topic later, where I talk about a terrible therapist I had in my first year of college).

Something else that definitely did not help was middle school health class. They talked about the dangers of being obese, but not once mentioned malnourishment. I remember specifically the teacher holding up a fun-sized candy bar and telling us that we shouldn't eat candy because even this mini treat had an outrageous amount of sugar in it. I didn't even know what sugar really was in relation to your health at the time, and now I feared it. The school health system is truly disgusting. They focus on not being overweight and basically eating vegetables only, putting everyone into one small box, not factoring in metabolism, personal exercise, anxiety over food/exercise, or other very important things. I don't think once in middle school they even mentioned mental health. They scared me into eating less and more healthy, to a point where it wasn't healthy anymore. I'm not saying this is all the school's fault, but it had a large impact on me, and it still affects me to this day. When I got out of the hospital the second time in tenth grade, I tried to change the way health was taught in school, and when I told them it affected my mental health, the only response I got was, "yeah, but are you okay now?" as in, it was a one-time experience, it only happened to me, and since I was in recovery, it didn't even matter. This is something that still bothers me to this day. I implore you, if you are in middle, high school, or even college in a health program, and you see the same pattern happening in your school, and if you are brave enough, to please speak out. This issue will not go away unless we do something to stop it. Our generation will be the generation of education and hope, and it is my personal goal to alter the educational system, for it makes a huge impact on so many students' lives.