healing is not linear - A Memoir by Frances Edelstein

Chapter 8: Boyfriends Can Suck

Trigger warnings: self-deprecation, negative body image, relationship anxiety, eating disorder thoughts, describing general anxiety

So this is a pretty big time jump, from around 2015-2016 to the spring of 2018, but there was nothing particularly notable in between those two times regarding my mental health. I went to the therapist, tried to be more social, things like that, but no crazy stories. I went on some pretty awesome trips, and as time went by, I started to be more confident in my eating patterns. The one thing that I couldn't get past was my body image. I still felt gross, imperfect, I had stretch marks from losing then gaining so much weight back so fast, I had belly rolls and wide hips. I was still incredibly self-conscious when I started dating my first boyfriend, Adrian. He seemed really sweet and genuine at first, and even though my friend most definitely warned me about him, he made me feel pretty. He gave me compliments and I actually started to believe other people don't see me as this ugly monster, but a pretty young woman. I was starting to force myself out of my comfort zone by wearing shorts that didn't go down to my knees, and for the first time since elementary school, I started wearing bikinis again. It felt awesome to be able to break out of my comfort zone, and after a couple times wearing these new things, I started to think Damn! I'm pretty hot! It felt really nice to feel beautiful and wanted, and it extended more than just my boyfriend's approval. I started to wear more of what I wanted to wear, not being afraid to show off my body, wearing crop tops in the summer and stuff like that, and, like I said, the more I did it, the more I fell in love with myself. Now, I'm not going to lie and say I haven't felt self-conscious since—I think there will always be some days where I don't feel pretty and I will be insecure about my body—but there's no comparison to how I am now. Once again, like I said in previous chapters, exposure therapy is a great idea. I know it won't work for every single person, but I beg you to try it. Wear a shirt that shows your belly, wear the shirts you want, not just the most modest. You'll be surprised at how much your confidence changes with just a couple sessions of exposing your fears and facing them head-on. It's also great to have an amazing support system, both personal and medical. The more supportive friends, family, and therapists you have, the more likely you will be to succeed.

Now, you may be thinking "this was her first boyfriend, which means things ended," and yes, you would be totally right. I drew him a "six reasons why I love you" for our six month anniversary, and he dumped me days before I was going to give it to him. I ripped it up that night, so he never saw it. By the way, he dumped me over text, then called me and said he still loved me, then the next morning said he didn't, so it was a lot. It's okay though, he begged me to come back, and I not-so-sweetly told him I was better without him, because in between those times, I gained more and more confidence in myself. I stood up for myself more, I trusted my opinions more. When I was with him, the honeymoon phase ended quickly. His compliments turned into using me. He would invite me over, then kick me out when he was done with me. I don't believe he ever loved me, even though he said he did. As one would expect, this took a toll on my confidence, but I really didn't realize something was wrong—I thought I was just disposable, a piece of garbage, and given my history, I was quick to believe that I wasn't good enough, and this was just the way it would be. I started to feed off of his compliments as reasons to stay, and it worked until he decided to end the relationship at midnight over text in the middle of the week. He would ignore me all day, text back once before bed, and then I would be ignored again (the green light on Instagram would be on, so I knew he was actively ignoring me as he was online). At this point, I was in college six hours away, and texting was the only way I got to stay in contact with him. He promised to call, but never did. It made me feel like absolute shit, like I wasn't loved, that it was somehow my fault, that I would never be truly loved. I cried a lot, cried about how I missed him, how I felt he was ignoring me, wondering what I did wrong. I really did love him, but I didn't feel like he loved me, and it was a truly awful thing to feel. To care so much about someone, to put all your effort and anxieties into trying to get them to realize how much you care, just for them to throw you in the garbage, taking advantage of you. I had so many panic attacks waiting for him to text back, wondering if he was okay, wondering if he was going to dump me (I was in denial but I definitely saw it coming).

Maybe this seems petty or like I'm overreacting, but when it's your first boyfriend and you feel like the honeymoon phase will last forever, and then he starts using you for your body after you told him you struggled with body image issues, it sucks. I had really terrible relationship anxiety a while after that, even going into my next relationship. I felt so worthless, like an object that was just thrown away, and it made me think that was all I'd ever be. In the next relationship I had, with Chris, even when he was quick to respond, I'd criticize every word he was saying, like I was looking for a flaw, a reason to think he didn't actually care about me. When I was with him, I was relaxed, I didn't have any doubts, but the second we weren't together, I would start to wonder if he hated me, if he was waiting for a good time to break up with me. I would come up with some imaginary scenario where he wants to break upwith me and I immediately go into fight mode, thinking things like "well I don'tneed him anyway." I realize now, I was lettingmy thoughts ruin my relationship before it actually happened. I was afraid of being hurt again, so I did itto myself before he could. I had thesethoughts a lot, but I never acted on them, never really had that good of acommunication with him in general. Wewould both say everything was okay, even though we both knew we were hidingsomething. 

 Slowly, that relationship started to deteriorate as well; it turns out he indeed, was waiting for a way out, and lost feelings for me only a month into dating, and we dated for seven months. This made me feel incredibly shitty, like I was yet again being used. I felt so betrayed and embarrassed, not being able to help wondering what was real and what was fake, replaying every interaction in my head. He took me on dates, he cleaned the snow off of my car for me in the winter, where did it go wrong? Why didn't I realize sooner? Actually, I think I did begin to realize—like Adrian, he barely replied even when he was online and would only call to excuses as to why I shouldn't come over, even though I was already halfway to his house—but yet again, I was in denial, and it came back to bite me in the ass.

I guess my point in writing this section about my shitty relationships I had in my first year of college is to tell you that it's not your fault if someone is a terrible person. Just don't make the same mistakes I did. Know your worth, and recognize when your significant other isn't respecting you, have a conversation about it, and if they don't change, I urge you to leave the relationship. I know it isn't as easy as it sounds, especially if you love the person, but you need to love yourself as well. If they are harming you mentally, emotionally, physically, etc., themost important person you should love (yourself) is suffering.  I know it's scary to break it off, especially if you are afraid of them or scared to be on your own, and I'm not ignorant of the truth about toxic relationships and the push and pull to stay, but if you have a strong , support system and you feel safe enough to leave the terrible relationship peacefully, my advice would be to go for it.  Once again, if you feel safe, I don't know your current situation and how dangerous it is.  

No one deserves to be in a relationship that makes their mental health decline, and it might be hard to see it's taking such a toll on yourself if you've been in the relationship for a while, but once you're out it feels like a weight is gone. If you can't tell how the relationship is going, it's going to sound silly, but make a pros and cons list about the person. Do the pros outweigh the cons, or are there twelve things on the cons side and only two on the pros? Is that worth it? How did you feel about yourself before the relationship started, how do you feel now? I know it's hard to believe my advice, and you might be laughing at me right now, knowing that I didn't do anything like this when I was in bad relationships, but looking back, I learned a lot about myself and my values, and what I wish I had done, much like everything else I talk about in this book. All I can do is give you my best advice and wish the best comes to you.

It is not your fault you are in a bad relationship, and you deserve all the love and happiness in the world. I hope one day you can see that, and find the true love your soul seeks for.