healing is not linear - A Memoir by Frances Edelstein

Chapter 13: Home for Good

Trigger warnings: describing anxiety

When I got home from college, I felt relaxed and relieved almost instantly. We got our Christmas tree, walked around different towns to see their decorations, went to my Uncle's house for Hanukkah (his side is Jewish), and it felt amazing reconnecting with my family again, both immediate and extended. Last year, I wasn't home for Hanukkah and I really missed it, so I'm glad I'll never have to worry about missing family traditions again.

Ever since I've been home, I feel more connected to my family than ever. I go to a diner for breakfast with my nana once in a while, we have Sunday dinners with my grandpop, and I hang out with my brother in his room a lot. He usually plays a game on his computer and I work on some artsy stuff; it's nice to just coexist with him. I hung out with my local friends a couple times, and it was so fun to catch up with them; I missed them a lot, and it was great knowing they would be so close now!

My stomach was still bothering me, so I went to a different doctor and told her what was going on. She listened, and genuinely seemed like she wanted to help me feel better. She said it was ridiculous that the other doctor blamed anxiety, and prescribed a couple different blood tests. One of the tests I had to do for lactose intolerance was drink two cups of this chalky water. It was absolutely disgusting, and I thought I was going to throw up, but when the worker told me if I threw up I'd have to come back another day and do it again, I forced myself to drink it all and keep it down. Not long after drinking that gross liquid, I felt sick, running to the bathroom constantly. They took my blood every thirty minutes for two hours, but it didn't seem to take too terribly long. Afterwards, I felt sick the rest of the day, so when the doctor called to tell me that I was, indeed, lactose-intolerant, I was not surprised. I was relieved to actually have a diagnosis now, but I was also annoyed with the diagnosis. Of course it had to be food-related! Now I need to obsess over what I eat all over again! I was on-edge and irritated for a while, feeling like I couldn't eat anything anymore (Lactaid didn't help as much as I hoped). Of course, right when I am fine with eating food again, another shitty thing related to food happens. The thing that really bothered me, though, was people saying it was an easy fix, that it'll be fine. I know they didn't mean harm, but it really hurt my feelings. Most of the people that said that knew my history with disordered eating and unhealthy thoughts surrounding food. No, it wasn't easy. I was used to eating whatever I wanted without a second thought, and now I feel like I need to worry about food all the time. It's very frustrating. Grocery shopping will definitely be more involved from now on, that's for sure.

Long story short, I found a couple of brands that makes fake dairy, and it is actually pretty good! The only thing that still bothers me is going out to eat and going to parties, since I can't ask them to replace the dairy with something else. It's annoying, but I'll get used to it eventually. I even make my own dairy-free chocolates now, and I'm excited to use different molds and sprinkles!

Only the thing is, my stomach is still messed up.

I'm not sure why, and I'm scheduling a doctor's appointment soon to see if we could find the problem. It still hurts, especially after I eat, and I have no clue why! It's ridiculous. All I want to do is eat without fear, is that so much to ask? I guess we'll figure it out eventually, but as of right now, I'm just annoyed and in pain. That's the thing about memoirs; you get to see past struggles I overcame, but also things going on now that I'm still struggling with. I want to be completely transparent when it comes to writing this, because I want to show people that even though it seems like I may have it all figured out and my problems are behind me, life will always be throwing curveballs, and I'll just have to figure it out as I go. I guess that's another main message of this book; life will never be perfect, but how you respond to situations can help coping much easier. For me, I have a strong support system from my family and a few friends. Just knowing I don't have to deal with this alone really helps. And you're never alone either. I promise you that even if I don't know you, I truly care about your health and well-being, and I am rooting for you, no matter how trapped you feel. I am always here for you, and although I am no psychiatrist, I hope my advice will help you feel more comforted and not alone. Whenever you see this memoir on your bookshelf, just remind yourself that there is at least one person rooting for your recovery, and that's me. I'm not trying to be cheesy, but I'll always support you, and you're much stronger than you think. I know it gets tiring, having to be strong all the time, but as time goes on, I hope it gets easier for you.