healing is not linear - A Memoir by Frances Edelstein

Chapter 3: OCD, School, and Noodle Removal

Trigger warnings: OCD thoughts, eating disorder thoughts, nausea, weight gain

Getting out of the hospital was more of a challenge than I thought. I was not used to walking around much besides power-walking to the bathroom and back, and sometimes walking over to the couch. Suddenly, I had to walk very far, the pole trailing behind. I was kind of dizzy and had to walk slow. My mom and I took the elevator and I shuffled to the car. When I went to get in the car, we had to unhook the noodle to the pole, turn it off, and my mom put the pole in the back of her car. Then she carefully eased me into the car, me still being a little wobbly on my feet.

It took a while to get out of the winding parking lot, but when my mom finally drove out, and the natural light hit my face, it was literally a breath of fresh air. I rolled the window down and had my head out the window almost the entire time. My mom was laughing and said I looked like a dog. The weather was chilly and wet, but it was real; I liked the chilly tingle on my face, breathing in the cold air. I was in the real world again.

That night, I was able to eat and drink a little without gagging too much, and I was proud of myself. The biggest trial I had, though, was something I didn't expect. I didn't realize until I got back home, but I developed a sever fear of germs and "gross things" on my clothing, bed, etc. Whenever I would put different clothes on, I would check it over and over, even if it was just washed. It was taking up so much of my time, that I had to break the terrible OCD. It was so bad that my mom actually waited outside my door as I was changing, telling me over and over again "it's okay, it's clean, Mommy just washed it" as I cried, forcing myself not to check anymore. It was a terrifying process, putting on clothing I was terrified was infected with something, but after that day, I was able to break the vicious cycle, and I didn't check as much, and it didn't take long for this to go completely away.

It was actually hard to sleep in my own bed at first; it became strange and unfamiliar to me, and I had to lay a certain way so I didn't get tangled up in the noodle line when it was plugged in overnight. That's what the doctors and I agreed to; I would be plugged in all night and after school, in return that I wouldn't have to carry around the liquid in a bag at school, in fear of it coming undone and beeping to be plugged back in.

Speaking of going back to school, I was able to stay home a couple days and unwind before going back, but I did indeed have to go to school with the noodle in my nose. I didn't want to, but I knew being homeschooled wouldn't be a good idea. I had to get back into my normal routine, and I didn't want people to know I was missing any more than they already did. The day before going back to school, my mom and I went for a drive down to Wildwood, a beach with an amazing boardwalk that was only about an hour and a half from my house. Even though is was spitting outside and was bleak and chilly, I loved walking around with her. We had a fun time teasing the pizza sign, that was a creepy guy made out of some sort of cement handing the passers-by a fake, huge pizza. To this day we go, "hey, it's the creepy guy!" every time we see him.

When I went back to school, I only went back half-time for a week or so. The first day back, I was so nervous. My bladder was weak from the amount of feeding I was getting overnight and after school, so I was afraid of peeing my pants in high school, which would be mortifying. I wore a hoodie, hoping to hide my face, but no one really said anything about the noodle; they only said that they were happy to see me and asked what happened. All I said was, "I had some stomach problems but I'm getting better now." All in all, no one really said anything offensive, they were just happy to see me. The only story that I have about people saying something about the tube is kind of funny now that I look back on it. I was at my locker, showing up to school late, so no one else was in the hall. A teacher came out of the classroom and saw me. Where she was standing, she saw my left cheek, the side that wasn't attached to the noodle, so she only saw the yellow tube slightly hanging from my face, not knowing where it's coming from. She assumed I had an earbud in one ear and said "Hey! Take the earbud out please." She said please but she sounded angry and annoyed. I looked at her, and the look of shock on her face was priceless. I can't imagine assuming someone has an earbud in their ear, and then them turning their head and seeing that it was actually connected to their nose!

She quickly apologized, saying so many kids have earbuds in their ears these days, blah blah blah, but I wasn't really listening. At the time, I was mortified. I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded and left for my class.

One of the good things from having the noodle in in public was actually gaining more confidence in myself. Up until this point, I dressed plainly, which is pretty hard to believe if you have seen any picture of me recently. I was shy, afraid to stand out, and barely took any seflies. I figured out, though, that if people could see me with a noodle in my nose and not judge me, I could wear a band shirt and be perfectly fine. I felt so much better in clothing that made me feel cute, and I took way more selfies, and posted them on my social media. The more I posted myself, the more confident I became, and the less scary it was. I had fun taking pictures of myself and feeling like I looked good in them. At the current time of writing this (January of 2020), I now wear colorful and dark makeup, depending on my outfit (which I didn't even try to attempt until last year), I have stretched ears, piercings, band shirts, boho outfits, deadlocks, circular glasses, tattoos, basically anything you could imagine, I have it, and DAMN does it feel amazing! I feel way more confident in myself now, and I get more compliments than ever before, not that other people's opinions should matter, but they notice me more because of how happy I look, and it radiates a positive energy around me.

I was out of gym class for the rest of the year, I think, or at least the most of it. I would have to go back to the doctor every so often to see if I was heavy enough to take the noodle out. I was conflicted about this. I didn't want to gain any more weight, but I knew I had to if I wanted to be free from the noodle. I felt like I was chunky already, why did I have to gain more? The first time I went in to get weighed, I wasn't heavy enough yet, and I started to cry. I wanted the noodle to be out before my class trip to Hershey park. I didn't want to worry about the noodle when I was there, and it was getting closer and closer to the trip.

The second time I was weighed, I gained enough to take out the noodle. The thing was, the doctor wasn't there to take it out for me, and the nurses weren't certified, so they said they couldn't do it. Determined and irritated, I decided to take it out myself, and my mom supported me. We went in the car, so it wasn't on the premises, and I FaceTime called my dad, who was in a meeting (or getting prepared for one, I can't remember exactly), but left to talk to me. They were both cheering me on as I pulled the noodle out like a clown pulling the rainbow fabric out of his nose, on I was doing it slowly and carefully. As it was getting pulled out, my mom held a plastic bag for me to put it into. As I got closer to the end, the yellow turned greener and then a dark greenish brown, probably from stomach acid. When I got to the end, it got stuck. I was mortified! It hurt to pull on it, and I didn't know how to get it out. My mom asked if she could try, and she gently twisted it and pulled at the same time, and it popped right out! It hurt like hell, like how it felt getting it in, with the pain of getting water up your nose, but now it was extra tingly, like the stomach acid got caught in my nose. My nose instantly started dripping with snot and other liquids, and my parents were cheering with pride as I blew my nose. My mom was amazed by how long the noodle was and couldn't stop talking about it, it was really funny. I needed more tissues than we expected, so my mom ran into the doctor's office, excitedly saying with happiness, "Do you have any tissues? My daughter pulled out the noodle herself in the car!" With shocked and probably disgusted looks on their faces, they handed my mom tissue for me, and I continued to blow my nose and put the tissues in the same plastic bag. My nostril was a little distorted-looking from being pulled on for about two months, and it took a couple days for it to go back to normal. I also had this really funny tan line across my face; it was quite literally one line that wasn't as tan as the rest of my face (I'm pretty pale in general, but the tan I had was significant enough to see the pale line). I kind of liked it, I thought it was funny and a symbol of what I've been through.

After my dad said how amazingly proud he was of me and hung up, my mom threw away the bag and we buckled up and drove home. The noodle was pulled out just in time for the class trip. I left the doctor's office parking lot extremely proud of myself.